Will my granddaughter remember me?

In some situations, parents who have made mistakes with their children and grandchildren are unable to take any responsibility or offer real genuine apology.

Some are able to fully take responsibility. I have never met a perfect parent who hasn't made mistakes, all sorts of them. I've never met a parent who hasn't had bad days or bad weeks or even a bad months.

Not all estrangements situations are forever. Those who continuously work to be responsible and accountable have far less chance of being estranged permanently.

I am saying this in this shared space where we already know:

That some parents are abusive.

That some adult children are abusive.

That sometimes both parents and adult children are abusive.

That sometimes with hard work, responsibility and accountability reconsiliations are possible.

Norah yes Covid may have been a time for the son to "reset" as you call it!

However there is nothing to suggest that the estrangement has been caused by Covid as such, as suggested in your first comment: fact of Covid, which indeed could be part of the length to DS non visits

To me that reads as "Son hasn't visited because of Covid" which is not suggested by anything the OP has said. In fact the estrangement started before Covid/lockdown ever happened

Yes, Elless can consider your advice: wait patiently and work on myself through psychotherapy but I don't think that suggesting Covid is a possible reason for the length of the non visits/estrangement is helpful, when it appears clear that her son has been clear they want "nothing to do with them"

Her son told her she needed "fixing"! ...how does that lead to "use this time to fix yourself"! It sounds far more like a "reason" to estrange ...presumably because of his mother's behaviours, which may or may not be a valid decision, we don't know

What we DO know is that Elless is in pain over this situation and she doesn't really need conjecture muddying the waters and causing more pain, does she!

I am acutely conscious that us continuing to disagree is also not helpful for Elless so lets just leave it there.

Elless I am so sorry if the above has caused you more upset, I don't think anyone intended it but sometimes there are different opinions and angles taken on issues that are brought to threads. .

Overall, take care of yourself. Consider the advice given including Norah's suggestion of working on your issues with your psychotherapist and I hope that you find a way through such a painful time. In the meantime your box of cards etc for your grandchild is a great idea.

VioletSky sometimes with hard work, responsibility and accountability reconciliations are possible

That is true when both parties are willing to participate.

Elless I hope that at some point that will be the case for you

"when both parties are willing to participate" and therein lies the problem for so many Madgran.

alovelycupoftea I am SO sorry ...I put the wrong OP name in my posts above. And apologies to Elless too. I am so sorry!

Madgran sorry but I think you have muddled the user names.

I sometimes wonder when reading some of the stories here on GN what some of these AC want

Sometimes the desired result is no contact. The end of the relationship. No hoops to jump through, no expectations, no back and forth.
Just the end.

And there doesn’t have to be abuse on either side. No Mammoth moment.

Just people who do not wish to be in each other’s lives.

Who is Elless? I seem to have missed something here.

Norah I wonder why you are here you do nothing but pick at people. You are not estranged from your children. Leave the ones who are alone.

Re set yourself on another forum.

Don't care if that's rude some of the things you say are offensive to us estranged parents.

If your son and DIL have asked for space then I’d be inclined to give them that and not continue with calls emails and texts too frequently.
Children are very resilient and if and when a relationship resumes I’m sure she’ll be accepting of you OP.

My tuppence worth on the situation is that an apology is all well and good, but changed behaviour and an acknowledgement of what caused the issues in the first place (and how that will be prevented in the future) would be my ideal. That doesn’t mean explaining bad behaviour away - I did X, Y and Z because of this.... because after a long period of being subjected to bad behaviour it can come off as justifying the behaviour or excusing it. That doesn’t mean that there aren’t mitigating factors which cause people to behave in certain ways, context is always helpful, but it can’t be used to guilt the recipient into accepting it or excuse the actual behaviour.

So my advice would be to appreciate what you’ve done wrong - be specific on what behaviours you acknowledge were unacceptable, say how you will make sure not to repeat these behaviours. And if you’re seeing someone to help with any issues, continue to do so, not just as a way to gain access to a child, but for your own well being. It could also help you rebuild a relationship with your own son which I’m sure would be a priority - again not just as a tool to access his child, but because you love and miss him.

And before you say I probably deserved I didn't.

I forget that one Bibbity. I get stuck in need to stay away from bad mother and want a good mother.

Whiff Thank you so much for your advise. I'll consider it in context to this post.

Blossoming It was my mistake re calling the OP the wrong name, confusing her with another poster. I have apologised above. Sorry for confusing you!

I thought Norah's posts were fair

Lolo81 -- Perfect advise, particularly last bit.

"My tuppence worth on the situation is that an apology is all well and good, but changed behaviour and an acknowledgement of what caused the issues in the first place (and how that will be prevented in the future) would be my ideal. That doesn’t mean explaining bad behaviour away - I did X, Y and Z because of this.... because after a long period of being subjected to bad behaviour it can come off as justifying the behaviour or excusing it. That doesn’t mean that there aren’t mitigating factors which cause people to behave in certain ways, context is always helpful, but it can’t be used to guilt the recipient into accepting it or excuse the actual behaviour.

So my advice would be to appreciate what you’ve done wrong - be specific on what behaviours you acknowledge were unacceptable, say how you will make sure not to repeat these behaviours. And if you’re seeing someone to help with any issues, continue to do so, not just as a way to gain access to a child, but for your own well being. It could also help you rebuild a relationship with your own son which I’m sure would be a priority - again not just as a tool to access his child, but because you love and miss him.

Madgran sorry but I think you have muddled the user names

Thanks VioletSky I noticed and have apologised. Oh dear!!.

Sort of thing I usually do so I had to check before saying anything!

JaneJudge

I thought Norah's posts were fair

I did wonder if I was missing something

Ooh gosh, thank you everyone - I have only just been able to come back to this...I'm pretty confused by the whole Covid/no Covid argument above, and I'm sorry if I caused an argument! My heart goes out to anyone who doesn't see their family or grandchildren, for whatever reason but sadly, no, this has nothing to do with Covid. The fundamentals of this go way back before that and have different causes, but suffice to say that my son is no longer close to any of his former friends or family. I have tried to apologise for anything I know I have done, but unfortunately when they block your numbers, won't accept letters and won't speak to you or see you it is quite tricky. I am perfectly willing to acknowledge my part in things and demonstrate how I can change my approach now, but it's literally impossible to do so at the moment. His world has shrunk a lot and we are very worried about him. We love them all dearly. Whatever has happened, I'm the mum, and I should have been the bigger person and just taken it and not reacted. But all I really wanted to ask people here who had experienced this is whether, when you did re-engage with them , did the young children remember you, or did you have to 'start again' with them? Thank you

JaneJudge I thought Norah's posts were fair

I thought Norah's suggestions about using the time to work with her psychotherapist etc was helpful and said so.

As I explained, I feel that suggesting the lack of visits etc was caused by Covid was not helpful. I explained my viewpoint to Norah. Sometimes we agree, sometimes we don't.

Sort of thing I usually do so I had to check before saying anything!

Me too!!

so if he has cut off from other family members and old friends, it's not just down to your behaviour, or difficulties with you then, OP ?