Good morning, just to say that I am still here, and appreciate all of the support which I have had in the past.
I am not estranged from my daughter any longer, but still have residual feelings of anger that she hurt my DH by concealing DGD1 from us all for 14 months. She said that SIL told her to, but I just don't think that it's even the beginning of a reason. She has no contact with former friends or her sisters, although they will sign birthday cards. She didn't see her grandmother for years, although she was a big part of DD's childhood.
Sometimes, I think we are getting closer and others not. I know my feelings are destructive and that I need to forgive and move on, but it's not easy, and complicated by my feelings of grief for DH and MIL. I realise DD didn't know they were going to die and I know that she has all sorts of guilt, especially around her father's death. She lost three years of precious time with him.
But still, the blow was, if not fatal, then permanently wounding. I know that I am lucky, compared to many, in that I can have contact with the DGC and visit from time to time (although SIL never makes me feel welcome). But the DGDs are happy to chat on FaceTime and DGS is very sweet. I need to bear in mind that the DGC are separate individuals, hopefully untainted by the past.
But I just feel partly emotionally closed down and that I am proposing to be selfish now. I have given all of the the DDs a lot of support over the years and continuing, emotional, practical, and financial. So now I want to try to live the life that's left, albeit it's not the life I would have chosen. I would have chosen to share it with DH and have all of my DDs and DGC close by.
I am going away for a month, travelling extensively, and I just. want to keep on running, not to have too much time to think.
Sorry for rambling on, but even reconciliation is not without its difficulties, as the trust has gone, when you feel that you have been so wilfully disregarded - it eats away at your self worth and confidence, forever. And I don't have the emotional capacity for any more drama. If she were to cut me off again, which I don't believe she will, my feelings about it would be a lot less. After the pain of losing DH, nothing else can touch it really. Although, conversely, I am lonely and, in some ways, would like to meet someone - not to grow old together - I don't want to grow old, at least not at present - but for companionship and intimacy.
I have digressed, but just conscious that I haven't made any contribution to the thread recently. And I want to say that even reconciliation is not straightforward, and that we should not let the pain distract from enjoying our present life, before old age takes it away.
Sending love and hugs to all those who are suffering the unique pain which is estrangement.