Hello Lucy, so sorry to read your story. ?.
I agree with Smiles this is a game you can't win, at least not in the short term. You may prevail in the long run but you would need to play the long game.
Your daughter has made it plain she doesn't want you in her life right now. Fair enough, so just let her go. However, she needs to learn that she has no authority to tell you how you should live, what you should do, who you should see. That is totally unacceptable.
It's time to take back control and reclaim your power. And whatever you do, don't beg because all you are doing is playing right into her hands. She is using emotional blackmail to control and manipulate you.
You say that when you say enough, she stops contact. Well let her, in fact I would go so far as to say that I think you should make a pre-emotive strike. Next time she starts, tell her that her behaviour is unacceptable, you will not tolerate it, you will not be bullied and you will not succumb to emotional blackmail. Tell her she has crossed a line. Then just leave it there, you don't need to say anything else. No drama, no tears, and definitely no pleading or grovelling.
You need to stand tall and proud and hang onto your dignity, no matter how wretched you feel inside. You cannot win by repeatedly caving in to her demands. They will only become more and more outrageous. You need to draw a line now and she needs to know that you mean what you say.
You might think it's cutting off your nose to spite your face but realistically would total estrangement be any worse than the current torment you are having to endure. She is deliberately torturing you and seemingly enjoying every minute of it.
You are not broken.....you have survived widowhood (I speak as a fellow widow). If you can survive that then you can cope with anything.
Your daughter plainly has issues but you cannot keep on making allowances and excuses when she treats you with such cruelty and contempt. You cannot help her but you can and you must help yourself. Don't let her break your spirit.
I'm not sure whether counselling would help but it's time you started the healing process. Self care, diet, exercise, getting outside in the fresh air, even if it's just a walk in the park, or a mooch round the shops and a cup of coffee somewhere.
You say living like a recluse still isn't good enough for your daughter, well it certainly isn't good enough for you. 16 years is quite long enough to live a solitary life. You are entitled to live, to have friends, to go on holiday, to have a few simple pleasures and live with joy and peace.
Being a widow is no picnic but it's not the end of life, joy and laughter. Your daughter has no right to expect you to exist in a twilight world of loneliness and isolation. She has no right to control and manipulate you. You have every right to breathe, laugh, dance, sing and yes ......even fall in love again if you are lucky enough to do so. You have the right to have friends and a social life. I cannot begin to tell you how angry I am with your selfish cruel daughter.
Lucy please don't give up, dig deep and find your courage to live again. Let your daughter rant and rave. When she does just tell her, quietly but firmly, to back off because you are no longer going to put up with her silly mind games and nonsense.
I have had some issues with my son (mainly because of his wife, my DIL). I allowed my DIL to treat me like a doormat. Three times she threatened to cut me off, three times I called her bluff and said go ahead and three times she has backed down. That was over a year ago and she hasn't tried it since. I told her I won't be bullied and Emotional blackmail won't wash with me. She still plays silly games but I can see right through her tactics so I ignore them,
Whiff has mentioned that I have come up with some terms I use to describe my tactics. One is called the Red Velvet Rope Policy. This means I only allow my most trusted and cherished people to get really close to me. DIL isn't one of them, I keep her at arms length. I am always friendly, pleasant and polite but I don't trust her so I never divulge anything which she could use to hurt me or use against me, I never say anything which could be misinterpreted or twisted. It means that conversations are always light and if I'm honest a bit bland and superficial but it works.
I suggest that next time your daughter kicks off you call her bluff, you have nothing to lose. She has already poisoned the grandchildren against you. What else can she do, she has no further hold on you. She has played her aces, she has nothing left.
You don't say how old the grand children are. One day they will be old enough to make up their own minds. One day they will see through her. She will overplay her hand and they will see her true colours.
You can't reason with people like your daughter and my DIL. The best way to handle them is leave them to it. Be polite and friendly and try and keep the door open but if they slam it shut or you have to close it then it's not the end of the world.
Give her enough rope......eventually your other daughter and your grandchildren will see what's happening and learn the truth. In the meantime just concentrate on you.