Venting about daughter’s “gate keeping “ of grandchildren

Mother daughter relationships are often tetchy as is sibling rivalry, you get through it as best you can, run your life the way you want, let them do the same with theirs.

I think that she is frustrated and is venting to you, just carry on as you are and ignore the negative comments. You know that you are doing all you can to keep a good relationship with your GCs.
However, what is she expecting you and your DH to do once you are both retired? More visits? Moving closer to them? That might be more of a problem

Perhaps ask her how she thinks her concerns could be solved?

If the oldest is 20 aren’t the grandchildren pretty much living their own lives?

I don’t suppose they’re home much anyway, so they might very well be busy when you want to visit. They’re old enough to come and see you without their mother arranging it, surely?

Maybe your DD had visions of you playing a more active role in the DGC's lives? But I agree with Lathyrus, I can't see that a 20 year old will have much interest in spending a lot of time with grandparents. And if they do, surely at 20, they can make that choice themself and not need to go through their mum?

Every family has different expectations. I'm very involved, on a daily basis with my DGS. It's doable because he's my only GC, harder when you have more from more than one child.

Of course you don't need to devote yourself to them at the expense of doing other things that you enjoy. Your D's expectations appear to be unrealistic and it's strange that on the one had she berates you for not being closer to your GC, while preventing them from seeing you because she doesn't think you're close enough.

As Katie has said, live your life the way you choose while she does the same.

Well if they are all in their teens (you don’t say the other childrens ages) but if the eldest is 20, probably mostly teenagers , do they need a nanny and grandad to have them ? Can’t the 20 year old visit you with a sibling or two in tow ?
My youngest 16 nearly 17 year old flies to me now to save me the travel If the children are this age surely they re old enough to stay over if they want
When I first read your post I thought these were young grandchildren that you were being accused of not being close to Have these accusations been going on for 20 years seems a bit late now to be having a moan about you

Is she going to become a grandmother soon herself then ?
She says that she can’t imagine not being interested in everything her future grandchild will do why is she moaning now after 20 years sorry to sound so puzzled ???

It sounds as if she might be frustrated with something in her own life, and she has turned it onto you.

Oopsadaisy1

I think that she is frustrated and is venting to you, just carry on as you are and ignore the negative comments. You know that you are doing all you can to keep a good relationship with your GCs.
However, what is she expecting you and your DH to do once you are both retired? More visits? Moving closer to them? That might be more of a problem

I agree. something or a lot of things have been bugging her and she's taking it out on you. She is very controlling.

If her children were younger I'd think "oh, when you retire she'd be after daily childcare" or something thats too big an "ask" but thats not the case.

You must live your own life and is clear they know they are welcome to arrange to come and see you both. But for example once you retire you could offer to have them for a week to give her a holiday break or something?

It sounds like she has resentment about you moving over a hundred miles away when her children were younger. That doesn't mean you did anything wrong but that doesn't mean it doesn't rankle.

Normally, I would suggest that you sat down and listened to her reasons why she feels as she does but you could also be opening up for things that maybe should be left unsaid!

I honestly think that no matter what we did, she wouldn’t be satisfied.
That may be the case but the poster who suggested you asked your DD how you could resolve the problem might be on the right track.

Have you got any regrets about anything to do with being so far away or not having more time for you grandchildren? If so, expressing these may make for a better relationship.

The problem with life is you never know whether you are getting it right at the time and even if you could go back to change things, you might still get it wrong!

Did she have a close relationship with her own grandparents and was hoping for the same for her children? Or maybe a distant relationship and did not want that for her children.

Unfortunately as they get older friends and interests take precedence over grandparents when it comes to prioritising their time.

If you had lived nearer you would have been able to pop in for short visits more often which would have built a closer relationship as you would have been more involved with their day to day lives, which is what your daughter would have liked.

Unfortunately you cannot please everybody.

Thanks for the thoughts everyone. My oldest gc is 20, and the others are 15, 12, 10, and 7. They are involved in many things. I wish we could pop in for their activities however, I don’t want to live in the area they do, and there are other reasons not to move, not the least of which is we work here. I really do think she feels out of control about other things in her life and she is acting out in this way. She has always been the type to not be satisfied no matter what, and she gets very anxious.
I think I will ask her what she thinks being “more involved” would look like given the distance.
She is not an irrational person, and surely sees how illogical it is to say we are not around enough and then get upset when we try to have visits.
I’m going to continue to pray about it. With 4 children, it seems there is always someone who is unhappy with us. Like when they were kids….just was hoping to see more maturity and gratitude for what we are able to do.

Possibly consider, that as you are fitting visits into a busy schedule, you might actually be suggesting them a times that are not convenient to them?

After all they are living lives that mostly don’t include you and then it might feel that you’re saying “we can come next weekend, drop your plans because the right time for us”

Do you expect them to be available to your convenience? Maybe what’s she’s saying is well you chose not to be around most of the time, but you want us to be around when it suits you🤔

I think Lathyrus may have a point. Grandparents are supposed to fit in with the hectic lives of parents, in this case juggling 4 children. I'm afraid we are pretty expendable really, in the scheme of things.

You can’t make demands, she’s their mother, I think maybe it’s best just to carry on as you are.

I used to be a bit like this with my Mum. I think I felt a bit abandoned by her. I wanted her to book a week off to come and see me and help with the children but she never did really and I felt quite resentful as her own Mum helped her. My children are grown up now and they have a good relationship and so do I. I don't know what else to say, I think I found being a Mum myself isolating and quite difficult for all sorts of reasons and I think I focussed on being resentful of her as a distraction.

I think Esspee's question is most probably a conversation you can have.

Having 5 children spread over a number of years must be exhausting too

Why don't the two of you go for a coffee and a chat?

It sounds like she is talking about when the children were younger?

It genuinely doesn't sound like an estrangement situation and I really think honest communication will help.

Sometimes we don't understand others feelings but that doesn't make them any less real to them

Thank you to everyone! Really excellent insights and advice.