DerbyshireLass
I'm dropping in with a hug and 💃 too. You are getting some good advice here.
With me it was my father, he simply wasn't ready for fatherhood. He was a narcissist. He was extremely handsome and he knew it, to him beauty was everything. He was vain and shallow.
Imagine his disappointment when I was born with a livid birthmark on my face, he was appalled and could hardly bear to look at me. I was ugly and he believed that it reflected badly on him. How could such a handsome man have such an ugly daughter.
He made my childhood a misery, nothing I did was ever good enough. Apart from the little matter of the angry red birthmark I also had baby fine whispy hair for years and I was always too tall and very skinny. I didn't meet his standards of aesthetic perfection so I was worthless.
He hated it that I was such a plain Jane because he couldn't bask in having a beautiful daughter. When my sister was born years later it was obvious that she was a beauty so she became the golden child whilst I was the scapegoat.
He made my life a misery, constantly nagging, undermining my confidence, putting me down. The slightest fault on my part would have him exploding with rage. I became nervous and withdrawn, by the time I was 7 I had developed a stutter and stomach problems. All due to stress.
Luckily a teacher took pity on me and took me under her wing, she gave me free speech lessons to cure my stutter and encouraged me to take up speech and drama. She realised that I was actually quite smart so she became my mentor, directing my reading, encouraging me to pursue my love of art, literature and history, encouraging me to educate myself.
Me being smart seemed only to infuriate my father even more. He fancied himself as an intellectual and he couldn't stand it when I began to outstrip him. He constantly tried to put me down, tell me I couldn't do things because I wasnt clever enough or strong enough or that it wasn't appropriate for girls.
I felt I was destined to be the smart ugly one. That would be my lot in life. Then a funny thing happened, I hit puberty and suddenly the equipment arrived. 😂. I blossomed almost overnight. My hair grew thick and lustrous, I developed a nice figure and had great legs. It was the 60s and suddenly I had the right "look". Tall, slim, endless legs, long shiny hair. I looked and sounded, in the words of one of my boyfriends, like a "posh Chelsea Dolly bird" . The boys were queuing at the door. The ugly duckling had finally turned into a swan......😂 and miraculously even the birthmark began to fade and I learned how to use make up to cover it up.
My dad then tried to backtrack, he now fancied himself as a doting father so that he could take all the credit for his clever, accomplished, attractive daughter. But it was too little, too late, the damage had been done. I wasn't interested.
My childhood left emotional scars and it took years for me to build my self esteem. In fact it was my husband who finally brought me out of my shell, who gave me confidence and encouraged me.
Our childhood legacies can be hard to overcome but it can be done. The cycle can be broken. You are not to blame for your sons estrangement of you, any more than you are to blame for your mothers callous treatment of you.
You can heal......be kind to yourself. Maybe try some counselling or a life coach. And I agree limit contact with your mother. Don't let her continue to undermine you.
I'm so sorry DerbyshireLass. I forgot to add "ugly" to the title! Because thats the other thing they made sure to tell me. Looking back, I wasnt at all and I wish I could have known that to save me from chronic self hate.
So sorry you had all that from your father. My father too was handsome ( he knew it and would flirt with women constantly even in front of my Mother) I think he was probably also a narcissist. Yes, I had the rages too- from both parents. We were terrified. From an early age my biggest goal in life was not to be like them.
So sorry about your father's immature reaction to your birth mark! What an amazing teacher you had, to help you like that! Teachers can make such a difference! They really can make or break a child. I was bullied really badly by a teacher at Junior school but when I went to my next school I had lovely teachers.
My father also has always thought he is the cleverest and has stopped at nothing to put me down, especially after I have excelled in areas he has not. I think it is worse for him because as a Misogynist, he cannot bear that a woman should do anything he hasn't done. Even now, he will still do the fat/lazy/ugly/stupid stuff. I ignore it because he is old but I limit interactions.
I can't be with insecure men who are abusers. It is always the insecure ones that try to reduce a woman to nothing, to something they can control.
Derbyshire Lass, I'm happy for you that you had boys and glamour in the 60's. That must have been fab and a real boost. I never had that and married the first abuser who proposed, thinking I was worthless and lucky to get someone to accept me.
I was completely isolated from my friends because they had been allowed to attend college, while I was forced to get a job at 15 and not allowed to do the course I been given a place on. This really affected my self esteem even more and the isolation added to my zero self worth meant that I stayed silent and lived in an abusive relationship for many more years.
My life begun again when I left that abuser. I realised, with help, that I had gone from the frying pan into the fire with that relationship.
I'm so happy for you DerbyshireLass that your husband brought you out of your shell and gave you confidence. Once that has happened and you become enlightened, you can never go back to being abused.
It is my Mother who tries to take the credit for my achievements, even using my name online and pretending to be me. I have to laugh because it is ridiculous.