I Don't Know What To Do

One of our SIL has ADHD, quite difficult condition. With tablets, that he hates, usually he does well. We're aware how terrible treatment makes him feel, we never ask nor expect anything from him as we never know his daily mental state. However, he is a loving husband, father, and grandfather, SIL - tablets work.

Hard as it is I believe you need to disengage.
Be there for her if she wants you but at her age she has to tread her own path. She is really, really upsetting you and that’s so unfair.

Maybe I’m misreading this but I don’t think Dignitas will consider ADHD as a good enough reason for end of life. Your daughter sounds angry and is taking it on you, emotional blackmail comes to mind. Does she ever talk to her sister? Maybe she can shed some light on why D1 has started coming out with events from her childhood that she says have affected her.

She has said it's too late for treatment but I can't seem to convince her to try. She says her condition is the reason she has lost so many jobs. I can never say the right thing to her - damned if I do and damned if I don't.
nandad - the siblings do not speak to each other. D2 blocked her as she was texting her into the middle of the night. My DH thinks all this is going to make me ill.
My friend says I should speak to D2 and ask her what their dad said to them about me before he died whether it upsetting or not. D1 said if their dad was telling the truth neither of my daughters would never be speaking to me now.

sounds like she might benefit from specialist counselling or therapy.
or even joint sessions with you, maybe ?
if you are willing and can afford it.
but don't tell her that her condition needs to be properly diagnosed, as that does imply that you doubt her credibility.
don't say that you don't remember events from her childhood.
she sounds what used to be called highly strung.
just try to listen, encourage her to talk.
it must be v difficult.

she may well be right about why she has not been able to keep a job long.
many people with that condition report the same.
if her father said something adverse, that will add to her turmoil.
your husband has a point.
could you go see your GP for support for yourself.

What a sad and difficult situation you find yourself in.

Thankyou welbeck. I have taken on board what you have said. I would be more than willing to try and talk to her even a joint counselling session if I thought it would help. She has stopped texting me and started texting my DH instead although she has been quiet today. She lives an hour away from us so I can't just go round as see her. I will look into what is available in her area. Thanks

Op

What I could get from your post is that your dd1 has suicidal thoughts and it needs immediate medical attention

Please call the proper authorities to report those threats so your daughter can start healing

As for the rest of the post, it is too high level, hard to understand and summarized to comment

Your dd will have to agree to go to counselling and it doesn't sound as if she would agree at the moment. It might help you though. If not now then maybe later.
I think shes probably depressed and needs to see her GP but again thats her decision.
Difficult situation, but she a mature woman and you need to look after yourself. Hope things calm down soon. Try not to worry.

You can’t force her to go for help or counselling but you could find a group or counselling for support for you and ideas of the best way to act with a loved one who may have ADHD or any other mental health problem
There are also online questionnaires that you could answer
(instead of her) for your own information of whether you think she may have ADHD
For instance it might say Do you find it hard to concentrate then you can think back and tick yes or no if you remember and when you finish it and get the results it will give you an idea if she is barking up the right tree obviously it won’t help any treatment but it could give you information and clues to her condition
This is simply for your private information, not hers
I hope you can find some peace

This is really sad, I feel for you Moonwatcher! Sounds as though you are bearing the brunt of all her anger and that’s not fair! As I don’t know anything about ADHD I can’t comment about it, she sounds a very angry person and possibly counselling would be a good idea and also getting medical help

I think you need to take this seriously

If your daughter has ADHD it will impact how well she can manage her feelings and she knows her symptoms and will need to seek support for then that is incredibly hard to get as an adultbwhen it has been missed as a child.

Put aside whether you remember the incidents she describesor not, that's not what matters. What matters is that is what she remembers and how she feels about those memories is real. In order to make any progress you will need to accept that and work with her to address these memories and her feelings. It's usually the case that the truth is somewhere in the middle and you can only find it with love and patience.

I would start by fully accepting she feels she has ADHD and validating it so she feels secure enough to start the process to seek help. Once again this is difficult as an adult and the waiting list extremely long so encouraging a trip to the GP is a good first step.

Very perceptive post VioletSky

What a heartbreaking situation Moonwatcher. It may be helpful to view this as two separate issues which are of course very tightly connected.

Your D clearly needs help and without a clear diagnosis this is going to be difficult to achieve, and in the absence of this, I think BlueBelle's suggestion of completing an online questionnaire on her behalf would be a good starting point.

You need to be as certain as you can be that she does have ADHD, as this in turn may help you find mechanisms to cope with her erratic and hurtful behaviour.

You need to get some support for yourself to enable you to be able to be there for her but not at the expense of your own well being. Determining for yourself that she could potentially have ADHD would be a good starting point for you in terms of finding the right kind of support.

I'm sorry, perhaps I misunderstood. I thought I read that she has ADHD and has reported so to you. No?

If she indeed has ADHD there are tablets. Many dislike the effect of flattening their personality, but there is success with tablets.

Be aware, some of her behaviour has nothing to do with ADHD.

I think you need counselling support moon to help you help your daughter and support you through the hard discussions

Norah

I'm sorry, perhaps I misunderstood. I thought I read that she has ADHD and has reported so to you. No?

If she indeed has ADHD there are tablets. Many dislike the effect of flattening their personality, but there is success with tablets.

Yes, but to get 'tablets' there has to be a diagnosis by a professional, and to get said diagnosis there has to be agreement by D2 to seek help. This can take a very long time. I know, we ended up paying privately for counselling and psychiatric help for one of our children (adult). There is also a serious under diagnosis of ADHD in females.

It is a long process, sadly

Very sorry about your situation, I do know you cannot get anyone over 18 I think, to seek or follow treatment or get assessed. If you try and have a conversation, they turn aggressive and usually storm off. It’s exhausting, with tablets it can be controlled, but they have to want it and want to be assessed. I would tell her doctor how concerned you are about her suicidal thought and Dignitas. It’s awful she feels that way. I do hope you and her get the help you need.

Thankyou all for your positive comments. If you know where I can find an online questionnaire I will certainly try that.
It will be her birthday tomorrow but as things are I haven't sent a card. I will send her a message on Whatsapp to tell her whatever she thinks about me at the moment I still love her and are thinking about her especially today.

don't say whatever she thinks about you; that sounds combative.
just say thinking of her esp on her b'day, with love.
how about an online card, jacquie lawson or similar. but nothing too jocular.
good luck.

Hi moonwatcher oh how I feel for you, Violet sky and others have given good advice above.

I agree with Allsorts on all she says too.

the only time I would always "shop" someone to their GP is when they are talking about harm to self and others...... and she is. ...although she may be manipulative talking about Dignities you have to take the threat seriously. (I also seriously doubt Dignitas would "take her on" with what she is presenting but implied suicidality is serious.

also ringing her GP will hopefully take some of the burden off you. meanwhile it is NOT your fault all this and please get some help for you xx

wellbeck - thankyou for those words. Yes I think your words are better than what I was going to say.

Wyllow & Allsorts I will see if I can get in touch with her GP although I'm not sure if anyone there will speak to me. I can only try.