Why you might be estranged... aka the same theme/attitude of EP/EGP's that EAC understand.

You will always be on the side of their mums? You might not say that if you met mine!

Very one sided Holyhannah, you cannot possibly condemn people without knowing a thing about their circumstances.

There are many heart wrenching stories on here, I’ll agree with that, but there are generally two sides to a story

Not talkin gong about abuse, that's a different matter. I thought the video was very one sided. However if only one thing that she says does resonate, it's that if, after trying to build bridges, to understand why, to apoligise for real or imagined slights, you get to realise that to estrange yourself from someone that loves you is cruel and wrong. You need to remake your life, not waste it beating yourself up, because life and the other peope in your life is prescious. Worrying and rerunning scenarios won't help at all. They have a the decision in their heads and feel they are right, they don't want you in their lives, to discuss and put things right. Its hard but true. You can't waste the years hoping for the moon.

Wow! Just wow! Whoever that lady is, it's very obvious she destroyed her own relationship with an attitude like that. I can imagine my mum saying this. That hurt x

You need to remake your life, not waste it beating yourself up, because life and the other people in your life is prescious. Worrying and rerunning scenarios won't help at all.

That one sentence is the most clear headed, sensible post I've seen on any of the estrangement threads for a very long time. Assuming that the decision to estrange a family member has taken a long time to reach; has been taken for very good reasons and has improved your life immeasurably, I'm at a loss to understand why the EAC doesn't move on with their life and live it to the full. It seems, to me, that constantly reliving it all is like continually picking the scab off a wound. Move on. Let it heal.

Thank you for sharing this HolyHannah.

I haven't watched the video it's too near to Christmas, when like so many EP's and GP's I'm at my most vulnerable emotionally. Just reading your post stripped away many of the protective layers that I've been building up, one on top of the other for the last 7 years, and made me remember just how terrible the estrangement experience has been for us.

You try to forget the intensity of the pain you experience in the early days, weeks, months and even years of being estranged, and there are many references to that pain in what has been written in the OP.

Is it one sided, yes it would be if it were written from the perspective of EAC so that's only to be expected. There is much that resonates with me, that I have experienced but not everything.

I do care what EAC think which is why I read their posts here on GN. I am not, have not and will not always be on the side of mum's and m's.i.l. and I accept as truth the accounts that EAC give of the abuse they suffered at the hands of their parent(s) which resulted in them estranging them.

I agree totally with the sentence you picked out Chewbacca. DS says of his brother that he remains angry and bitter and the 3 of us ask ourselves why? He does not see us, we don't see our GC, he got what he wanted. We've worked hard to eradicate those negative feelings from our lives and have come a long way. Why hasn't he?

There are EAC who made a difficult and painful decision to remove their parents from their lives for their own protection. There are parents who despite loving, caring and doing their best for their children have been estranged.

How many demonstrations/truths/examples must be cited before my reality is seen?

That is a wonderful description of the reality for so many Smileless.

There are EAC who made a difficult and painful decision to remove their parents from their lives for their own protection. There are parents who despite loving, caring and doing their best for their children have been estranged.

It is so good to see it acknowledged that each story has it's own context whatever generation estrangement has happened to. Individuals in each generation are just that - individuals - and all should be heard without assumptions being made.

How many demonstrations/truths/examples must be cited before my reality is seen?

Thank you Madgranx

This seems to be quite a strong post but I can resonate with the sentiment particularly towards the end.

@Smileless2012 I really appreciated your responses to my post. You seem like a thoughtful person who didn't deserve this to happen to them. Thank you for your encouragements to move on and enjoy the season we are in.

DH is an EAC from his parents, but I"m also familiar with he other side as my ILs are estranged from their parents who are late 80s and early 90s (who we see). The reason for the estrangement is so incredibly petty so I know it happens and how cruel it is.

Thank you betty.

I think it's horrible! If I ever had even a doubt about being estranged that jumped up and down all over it! I hope nobodies estranged child from here sees it, they would probs never look back! x

I actually feel quite sorry for the OP, something in her life has gone badly wrong and completely skewered her attitude and judgment. She sounds deeply sad and miserable and incapable of rational judgment.

I have every sympathy with anyone who is estranged from their children, but I am also aware that some of those writing on the subject on GN are clearly the authors of their own misfortunes, others are clearly not.

These are good people bearing unimaginable pain and hoping that something... anything they say will open a door and bring their children home. and good people can deal in emotional blackmail, have black and white social and moral views that push their children from them because the price of reconciliation means leaving a gay spouse, or a foreign spouse or one of the 'wrong' religion. 'good people' can be mentally and emotionally abusive under an exterior of being loving caring parents. Some parents kill their children with kindness.

I can never trust the judgment of people, who consider that complex problems of any kind can just be dealt with, with one simple answer. If nothing else it tells me that they are the problem.

I agree MOnica. I find it difficult to "trust the judgement of people, who consider that complex problems of any kind can be dealt with, with one simple answer. If nothing else it tells me that they are the problem".

That can also be applied to EAC, who see the "one simple answer" as estranging their parents.

Why don't we try and have balance here. When you wrote "I am also aware that some of those who writing on the subject on GN are clearly the authors of their own misfortunes, others are clearly not", are you referring only to EP's or some EAC too?

It seems to me that for some they want to heard but aren't prepared to listen.

We read the accounts here on GN from EAC and see they are deeply sad and in some cases miserable, and one can only imagine the outrage if an EP also viewed them as "incapable of rational judgement".

I say "only imagine" because I have never seen an EAC referred too in that way, here on GN.

I really don't understand why any EAC who isn't prepared to listen to EP's, to accept what they say without suggesting that they are being anything less than honest, posts here.

I don't understand why there appears to be double standards. As an EP and EGP I accept what EAC say and I expect to receive the same non judgemental acceptance in return.

If that cannot be reciprocated by some, then perhaps they would be better suited to posting on sites for EAC, where only their accounts are given and where there wont be any contributions from EP's, because it appears that for some EAC, those contributions aren't welcome.

Awww so not a simple answer to estrange someone, otherwise we'd all do it the minute we moved out! x

I am referring to both.

I have no experience of estrangement so am open to correction from those who have experienced it, but when someone writes

I don’t care what estranged adult children are thinking. I don’t care if there is a reason for their actions in their mind or not.........When a parent loves, cares, and tries, this stuff is inexcusable.

Then that is so lacking any kind of balance and understanding that the value of their contribution must be doubtful.

I agree with you MOnica but that wasn't written by a member of GN and you didn't make it clear in your posts when you were referring to both EP's and EAC, hence my response.

Your post FlyingFree surprises me in light of other posts of yours that I've seen and responded too. It's flippant and in total disregard of the feelings of EP's and GP's who are GN members.

If there is to be no consideration for the feelings of others, post where there are only like minded contributors, at least you wont risk hurting those whose experience of estrangement differs to yours, and for who this time of the year is particularly difficult, as we miss not only the AC we have lost but in many cases, our GC too.

I don't think her view is completely skewered, not where she's placing emphasis on moving on to avoid ruminating, depression, loss of self and quite possibly being driven to commit suicide-

She may be saving herself by speaking her mind and saving others as well- Personally I'd rather read or listen to someone expressing their bitterness than threatening to end their life-

Having read plenty from both sides know enough that her brand of bitterness and resentment is no different than anyone else's- Its certainly BIGGER- But then again BIG opinions are part and parcel of any rant on any topic-

Bizarre. Like saying you always support the man (or woman) in any divorce just because of how your divorce went down.

@Smileless2012, what do you mean? It's not an easy decision at all! I didn't estrange till I was 37. Wondered and worried and stressed about it for years! x

I thought FF's post was very considerate. Hoping that the YouTube post would not deter A.C. from seeking a reconcilliation. Or that EP or EGP would not listen to the more vitriolic parts.

Honestly just how it all makes me feel. I can imagine my mum saying this I really can. She says I'm a horrible nasty cruel person. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings x

The lady in the video doesn't care what I think anyway! Seems to find it very hilarious x

Imagine her child watching it ☹️

The lady in the video is seriously dangerous to EP's, who have not been abusive, and who are trying to find a way back to a relationship with their A.C. s. To A.C.s, she's a bitter, twisted and abusive joke of an EP.