Thank you everybody for the warm welcome, and especially to Smileless for the kind PM. I am not sure where to start really, or even whether I am estranged or not, or who is estranging whom.
I was semi-estranged from DD1, but things were improving, after several years during which she ghosted us, concealed the birth of DGD1 for 14 months, and moved house without telling us the new address - I am not sure why, we were never going to turn up on the doorstep and harass her, and I am sure that she knew that really. And she subsequently suggested that, after she ghosted us, why didn't we go round to her house ... !!
Anyway, DH was diagnosed with terminal cancer early last year and, for his sake, my other two DDs made an effort (she had ghosted them too), and there was a sort of reconciliation before DH died 6 months ago, DD1 read at the funeral etc. That was the last time we saw them, because of lockdown and because of the distance. But the contact was increasing, in fact it went from virtually zero to 60 mph almost overnight, with daily messages and calls, FaceTime with the DGDs, which I found slightly awkward and overwhelming, to be honest, but DD1 was clearly keen to build bridges etc.
In the meantime, I am still in deep, deep grief for my DH, my darling one, whom I fell in love with at first sight - and it was mutual. We loved each other from the first day to the last day, and all of the days in between, for more than 33 years. The rift with DD1 upset him greatly and I am pleased that all of the DDs were able to stand together by his bedside in his final days.
But I remained angry and bewildered at how DD1 had behaved towards us all, especially him, which was wrong of me because he had 'come to terms with it', as he put it, even if he didn't understand it. And he loved all of his girls and wanted nothing more than reconciliation.
So, things were moving on apace with DD1, to the extent where I felt that I could try to clear the air, to try to understand how and why things went so wrong. In the meantime, she had just told me that there is to be a DGD3 early next year, which I said I was thrilled about. We were talking about DH and how much we both missed him. I said that there was no joy in my life without him, she said - meaning well - that there was new life coming. I said that I was delighted for her and SIL, but that I was afraid to love the DGC - obviously that I did love them as they were her DC and the DGC of DH - but that I was afraid of forming an attachment, in case I was hurt again. I also said that I would always love her as she is my DD, but I didn't know why she had ghosted us, as I regarded ghosting as either cowardly or a form of emotional abuse. Prior to that it was a very positive, loving conversation, but then she hung up on me. She had also been enraged that her sisters had not called her to congratulate her on DGC3, even though DD3 had specifically asked me to pass on her congratulations and DD2 had sent a personal message (she did not tell them directly but asked to pass on the good news, which I did). She sent a really angry message saying that we were all utterly selfish and emotionally abusive towards her.
This latest fall out is also partly to do with the fact that I suggested visiting for DGD1's birthday, but said I would go the next day if they preferred to be on their own. DGD1's birthday is the day after my wedding anniversary, so was always going to be emotionally difficult, but I was kind of expecting to be welcomed. However, she said that they would prefer to be on their own as 'a family' that day, but the next day was 'fine'. It is the whole attitude, that they are doing me a favour, but I totally get that I might be too sensitive. However, it is a big thing to travel all that way on my own and be stuck in a hotel (not that I would expect to stay with them), and brings back memories of when DH and I visited shortly after his diagnosis and just before lockdown. They kept making out that they were doing us a favour by letting us visit, even though we had travelled so far and DH was dying.
I am upset, I am grieving, I have spent all weekend in bed. Not meaning to whine or be self pitying, but losing DH has destroyed me and I know that I need to rebuild my life. I told DD1 that I had been diagnosed with clinical depression, that my emotional well has run dry. I spoke to her again on Saturday and said that I would like to spend some time with her, mother and daughter as, apart from visiting DH one day in hospital when he was dying, we haven't spent even half an hour together since she took me on a city break five years ago. I said I wanted to see SIL and the DGDs but most of all I wanted to see her and to try to rebuild and reconnect. She seemed amenable then said that she needed to talk to SIL, so I said - probably foolishly - why, do you need permission? Those on previous threads will know that the problems started when SIL came on the scene, he seems very controlling and always wants something for nothing. I feel that they seek to manipulate me, although I am literally not in my right mind at present.
She was meant to be contacting me yesterday about dates etc, but of course she hasn't. And if I did go, they would just expect me to take them out and pay for everything, which I don't mind at all. It's what GPs do, after all, but it is the sense of entitlement which bugs me, the careless cruelty. There was no Father's Day card for DH last year, even though she must have known that it was likely to be his last, as she and SIL don't do Father's Day or Mother's Day (I did receive a card this year). For his last birthday, weeks before he died, they gave him a second hand paperback about people dying in Russian labour camps.
I feel so angry and upset at present that I really don't want to know. She says that she is mentally and physically exhausted too. I feel that it is 'take, take, take' and no 'give'. I barely want to be alive, each day is a struggle, but there is no compassion, no support. I am wary of a relationship which brings pain but little pleasure.
So those of you seeking reconciliation, beware of what you wish for....
Sorry this is so negative and sending big hugs to all. X