Explaining GP estrangement to DS (DIL side)

What he hasn’t had, surely he won’t miss? If and when he queries anything be circumspect & economical with detail? Try not to carry the dysfunction down into another generation & spare the child any bitterness, anger ir sadness which pervades your lives.
I hope it works out OK.

Tell him the truth…. Thats all you’ve got.

We’re estranged from our granddaughter through divorce so perhaps slightly different. Emotional abuse is so so difficult to acknowledge far less deal with.

Tread carefully always thinking of the child and you will do what’s right. It can take years to really see what going on.

Just answer any questions that your son asks as honestly as is age appropriate. No need to go into the details whilst he's young; a simple "We fell out with ×××××× & ××××× a long time ago and don't see them anymore".

Unfortunately my older children witnessed emotional abuse but, it hasn't negatively impacted them as we estranged and they know abuse will not be tolerated here.

My youngest, when he asks will be told general truth, they weren't nice people, they didn't treat us well and they made us unhappy. When he is older I will explain what emotional abuse is and what it looks like

I won't go into personal examples as I really don't think our children should have to carry our burdens if it can be avoided

I was in your DSs position. Didn’t have a relationship with my one grandmother until I was in my 30s and never did with my grandfather. It didn’t bother me at all either growing up or in adulthood. In some ways, I was removed from even the potential of emotional damage when I did start contact because I wasn’t very invested in the relationship. It was easy to see the not great behaviors sometimes, but it didn’t impact my life. I did have a great relationship with my other grandmother and grandfather, so I never faced a reality where I didn’t have any grandparents in my life.

Without knowing more details
Age appropriate explanations are the way to go: they are not nice people to mommy and daddy
When getting older: we didn't get along with them and they refused to respect our decisions

The less fuss the better

We estranged from both sides eventually. We had four children, and once the older two started to notice the problems, we called it a day.

I suppose we’re different in that our children saw, and so were able to decide for themselves. The younger two didn’t though, and had to take what we said as truth.

We always told them to go and visit their grandparents once they were old enough, but none ever have, except for one of my daughters, who briefly got in contact, because we had a short estrangement from her. It didn’t last....

Just be honest with your son. It’s all you can do. You’ve got plenty of ‘ back up ‘ by the sounds of it.

Life is too short to spend it with difficult people.

All the best.

How old is DS now? You will have to be honest, but fair too.

One of my cousins in the USA was told by her mother, divorced from her dad, that she would be shunned and not welcomed at all by her family in Europe, so that she should not come and visit when she was 19.

She finally made it over in her 50s- after her mother died. And realised she was most warmly welcomed and cherished- and felt so happy she could fill so many big holes in her past and roots.

I can think of other cases in our entourage where similar things happened. So you need to be very sure there is no 'bias' in your reasons- there is usually too sides to most relationships, even if heavily one sided. Time passes, things and people can change.

Just be honest, but be careful not to include personal bias, if there is some. At the end of the day, at 18- he will have to make his own decision. And he might be very upset but what he finds, or very happy, or a mix. But 'not knowing' could cause more damage.

Just be honest as all the other posters say.Tell it as it is in simple ways. They can choose for themselves when they get older.
manipulative people are eventually found out and your children will be able to judged for themselves.Don't be upset if they decide to contact their Grandparents let them make their own judgment, they might see things from a different point of view as the did not witness first hand but don't show you are upset.
Good Luck.

My eldest child’s grandmother and I had a parting of the ways when she was about six. No big drama, I was just fed up with her looking down her nose at us, and treating my girl differently from her other grandchildren.
I remember sitting her down, telling her a bit of the back story, and saying I’d decided to not see her any longer, but that she was welcome to go and visit if she wanted to.
On every side that was the end of the relationship, my ex mother in law never made any effort to contact my daughter, and she never really mentioned her again.

I agree with the other responses here BlueVelvet. There's no need to day anything until questions are asked, and when they are, keep your answers age appropriate and simple.

No need for details, Chewbacca's suggestion would be my choice, and as Yammy has posted, be aware that your son may want to make contact when he's older and decide for himself if he wants to have any contact with them.

Try not to worry and put this to one side until it happens.

My children were 4 and 3 when we estranged from my ex MIL, over 40 years ago.

We just told them we weren't happy with the arguments, and we wouldn't be seeing her.

They didn't query it, and were quite happy. Children that age live in the "here and now" and forget about what they are no longer doing, and who they are not seeing.

They had loving grandparents (my parents), various relatives, and didn't lack a thing.

As 30+ adults, they did see her. Once. They came out after an hour and said they wouldn't be going back.

Last year they were contacted on social media, to say she'd died, giving funeral details, and told she'd left them a letter.

They didn't go, and didn't pick up the letter.

Neither myself or my ex ever regretted cutting her off. We did explain more to the children when they were adults,but we didn't go into very much detail really. No point in rehashing the past.

Life's too short to put up with endless chaos and conflict from others.

Do the gps actually want or even try to make contact? If not you can say they weren’t very nice to either your dh or his sister, and have cut themselves off from everyone which is their misfortune. I don’t expect your ds will be really bothered tbh. Children can be very accepting of the status quo. As he grows older he may want to seek them out but he’s not going to be very impressed by gps who didn’t bother.

My children are currently 7,5 & 1 and this was something I worried about when we cut off MiL 4 years ago.

My son has just created his own narrative at this point that she just lives far away (she does) and has never asked anything else about her.
But he has very very active grandparents on my side and we have regular contact with his paternal uncle and cousin so in his head I guess he sees family on both sides so doesn't realise anyone is missing.

If the day ever comes that they ask actual questions I am just going to tell them what happened and say that I never want to see her. But when they grow that is their choice.

Thank you for all your replies and advice. DS is almost 3 so doesn’t know any different yet. My concern was when he got to nursery/school age and saw his friends having days out and sleepovers with their GP’s and getting upset that he doesn’t.

After our last meeting they did write a letter to say they didn’t want a relationship with my DS due to not agreeing with our boundaries. I think it would be very upsetting to give him that when he’s older.

DH and I spoke about it this morning. We will just say “we don’t speak to Daddy’s parents because they weren’t very kind to us”. If he asks at an appropriate age we will explain further.

Thanks again

I left my ex husband because of controlling behaviour and domestic violence. He had seen my granddaughters until they were almost 4.

After the final incident ( for which he was prosecuted) I lived with my daughter for a few months until I got a place of my own. Granddaughters were told they would not see him anymore as he had hurt Granny and we don’t hurt our family.

They asked about him for a while but forgot about him and it doesn’t seem to have affected them at all, they are now 12.

Give simple answers and don’t lie is my advice.

I agree to keep things simple is best.
Over the years I expected lots of questions, not just concerning my ex mother in law, but the whole situation. I was prepared to answer anything, but not to over elaborate.
My daughter is in her forties now, and I don’t think I’ve ever been asked anything.

You are over thinking this situation, and to my mind preparing to perpetuate the situation through your son.
No reason to show the letter they wrote to your son, ever. Possibly there was some fault with the boundaries you set.
Why not destroy it now?
Things change.

Possibly, I just don’t want to get it wrong.

In no way am I planning to perpetuate the situation through my son. As I have said previously, it will be his choice if he wants to see them when he is older and I won’t stop him from doing so. I will be honest about the reasons if he asks us but will not talk badly about them or have him think he needs to choose sides.

Without knowing the boundaries we had I’m not sure you can pass judgement on that but thank you for your reply.

BlueVelvet

Possibly, I just don’t want to get it wrong.

In no way am I planning to perpetuate the situation through my son. As I have said previously, it will be his choice if he wants to see them when he is older and I won’t stop him from doing so. I will be honest about the reasons if he asks us but will not talk badly about them or have him think he needs to choose sides.

Without knowing the boundaries we had I’m not sure you can pass judgement on that but thank you for your reply.

I would keep the letter. Hide it away. Never let it out. But you never want to be in a position where you are being accused of something that is proven to be false.

They wrote it. They have estranged him and you. So you can go with that.

How old are they Bluevelvet. That could make all the difference in the approach.

OP

Please do not overthink it

My kids have no grandparents in this continent and even thought they see gp with gc, they haven't asked anything yet.
We told them their gp live in different countries very far away and that was it.
Haven't mentioned anything since (1+ year)

Could this have to do more about your feelings for the situation?

Hithere

OP

Please do not overthink it

My kids have no grandparents in this continent and even thought they see gp with gc, they haven't asked anything yet.
We told them their gp live in different countries very far away and that was it.
Haven't mentioned anything since (1+ year)

Could this have to do more about your feelings for the situation?

I’ve never been in this situation before. Or known anyone who has no contact with parents or in laws. I just want to make sure I don’t get it wrong.

I won’t lie. The thought of him seeing them does worry me and DH a lot as it was heartbreaking to see what DH went through. Like any mother, I want to keep him safe. However, I would never stop DS from seeing them when he’s older. That is his choice to make

Do try not to worry BlueVelvet. Yours parents' in law wouldn't be able to have any contact with your son while he's a minor.

The letter they sent is all the explanation you would need when your son is old enough to be given more information, if he asks for it.