Narcissists are boring

I'm sharing this because it is so comprehensive.

It may say mother but it will certainly help anyone understand what a narcissist is and what they do

parrishmiller.com/narcissists.html

It’s my late mother to a T!
My life is so much better now she is dead.
I cherish each day I am alive and she isn’t.

how I so agree!

I don't think I've ever known a narcissist, though I can think of one who might have qualified - I stopped seeing her when I discovered she was interested only in herself and her children. My question is: what makes a narcissist? Are they born that way, or is there something in their upbringing that ensures they think only of their own importance?

Psychologists say that they become as they are in early childhood, either as a result of emotional neglect or of over-protection. This causes their developing brains to ‘wire up’ differently leading to narcissism in later life, and to the inability to form mature relationships that are based on an understanding that everyone is both ‘good’ and ‘bad’.

They either become overbearing, seeing themselves as deserving of deference, or manipulative, seeing themselves as perpetual victims, but either way they are usually very unhappy, as they don’t understand why their relationships fail. They always blame others, and don’t see their own role in the dysfunction.

Being predictable is good. It means you can easily work out to handle them, how to react to them and how to annoy them.

However, we had a sociopath living nearby and she was virtually the same. Add to your list 'playing the victim' where she would turn her victims into the aggressor and make out she was their victim, even to the Police!

So how do you identify whether a person is a sociopath or a narcissist?

I agree once you see the pattern, it becomes so obvious

annodomini

I don't think I've ever known a narcissist, though I can think of one who might have qualified - I stopped seeing her when I discovered she was interested only in herself and her children. My question is: what makes a narcissist? Are they born that way, or is there something in their upbringing that ensures they think only of their own importance?

I'm not sure that has ever been discovered with certainty. They don't very often seek help so the picture isn't clear.

The research that has been done has pointed to a lot of different possible factors.

With my mother, I know she had a bad childhood. She describes her Dad as extremely verbally abusive and her mother as vain and neglectful. Her dad had a small amount of fame and money. He saw himself as powerful, he was an alcoholic, he eventually lost it it all. Her mother was appearance obsessed and favoured her brother.

My mother was never famous or powerful and never had money. She was much more sly and hidden in her approach.

She knows her childhood was not good because she will describe how hurt she was by it but in the next breath she defends it and says she would never have estranged and could never be as cruel as me.

She lost a lot of relationships early on because she is a jealous and controlling. The only relationship that worked was with my stepfather who is the same and they, sort of cancel each other out.

I think after she lost so many people, she learned to keep that side of herself hidden and first my stepbrother became her emotional punchbag and scapegoat and then when she drove him away, she turned on me. She needed in outlet so that she could maintain a facade to others. She perpetually plays victim and pretends vulnerability, illness and inability to understand or do things she can actually do very well. The same person who didn't understand Facebook while we were in a relationship (a cover for her faux pars on social media) has set up several different accounts to stalk me on literally every social platform available. She still periodically falls out with people and once they see through her they are often done for good. Yet she is also very good at making friends.

I don't know why I didn't take the same path. Given that she has been telling me I am worthless since I was small and accusing me of being all the things she is herself, maybe it would have been easy for me to just be that person she said I was.

I have seen a therapist and told him I'm crazy and a terrible person when she drove me ro breakdown but he reassured me I am not and that the problem is her.

And it's hard not to accept that is the truth. All my other relationships are healthy. The only people I struggle with are the ones like her.

What I did have growing up was a good father and exposure to positive healthy relationships. So perhaps that is what saved me. Or perhaps I am missing some genetic component. I just don't know.

Somewhere somehow, I have a resilience that fights her perceptions of me and that resilience is what saved me. I think that came from somewhere.

Because I think maybe abusing, gaslighting and manipulating people to get what they want in life is actually the easy option. And once they choose that path, and start lying to cover their behaviour it is incredibly difficult to stop and it just snowballs because they will do anything to avoid feeling guilt or shame for their behaviour.

Always be wary of people who try to tell you who you are.

Repetitive and boring, yes.

Anytime the one I have in my life starts, I just say 'OK, I'm not arguing ' And stop engaging. It's enraging for them but it helps me cope.

GagaJo

Repetitive and boring, yes.

Anytime the one I have in my life starts, I just say 'OK, I'm not arguing ' And stop engaging. It's enraging for them but it helps me cope.

I do something similar to stop pointless arguments

Narcissistic mothers see children as an extension of themselves, particularly daughters whom they see as their best friend. They put themselves first and their children. Want to exclude outsiders who could come between them. I think the term is used a lot, not explain complex personality disorders that most do not think applies to themselves. A personality disorder can make people think they are the victim. No winners.

Allsorts My mother never saw me as her best friend or put me first.
She was a text book narc.

VS it takes many years to learn and accept the truth about another person especially one we are close to because you keep hoping things will change and be better but they rarely are. Leopards don’t change their spots. It has been a long and painful journey for you but you are now free to be who you are. Grasp it with both hands.

My mother actually did call me her best friend, I suppose because she could tell me anything and know I would keep her confidence.

Honestly if everything she told me got back to the people she was talking about, she would have no one at all.

But other than that she was nothing but abusive to me. I think the best friend stuff was just a form of love bombing

Besides, I didn't need a friend, I needed a mum

25Avalon

VS it takes many years to learn and accept the truth about another person especially one we are close to because you keep hoping things will change and be better but they rarely are. Leopards don’t change their spots. It has been a long and painful journey for you but you are now free to be who you are. Grasp it with both hands.

Thank you for saying that

My mother saw me as her best friend and biggest competition too

Clarification- she saw me as her best friend while I agreed with her 100%

When I developed my own likes and I wanted to agree to disagree- i was her competitor

To the outside world, she wanted to give the image of best caring mother

I need coffee

Predictable versus unpredictable

Repetitive so they are easy to train.

Use the same tactics so they are slow learners

Have no heart so they don't react without reflecting.

Have no soul so they are rational.

Have no dreams therefore they are realistic and practical.
Can only covet what they don't have because you cannot covet what you yourself have.

"That they are all:

Predictable
Repetitive
Use the same tactics
Have no heart
Have no soul
Have no dreams
Have no substance
Can only copy what makes others happy
Can only covet what they don't have"

I had dealings with someone exactly like that last year - she was intent on destroying me and making my life a misery. She was one awful person and fortunately I now do not have to have anything to do with her.

Hithere

My mother saw me as her best friend and biggest competition too

Oh I can empathise with this. I needed parents not friends

I think that as hard as it is, we just can't have empathy for narcissists.

At least not in their presence because they will just take and take until they use you up and you have no energy to take care of yourself or anyone else.

Just have to pity them from a safe distance and hope one day they can find a way to heal themselves from what ever it was that hurt them in life that took away their own empathy

I do have empathy for my ex despite all and the abuse was horrifying over the last months, easing now and going to get help.. However, I have managed to stop being pulled into the games, mostly.

We had good times together as well as awfulness, and the abuse was often more subtle than people experience till it came to a head.

It does help to understand what made them as they are, however in some way this got in the way of me being strong and drawing boundaries. Caring empathy.

The other thing I need to learn and learn good is, what is it in me that made me vulnerable, even so naive so long.

I'm probably not the only one who longs to be able to sit down with the person and reach understandings about the "why's of what happened" in our bad co-depenency but its isn't going to happen.

Wyllow you just have to do whatever is needed for you to heal.

Are you No Contact with ex? For some that is very necessary to recover.

My healing... I talk about it... All the talking lol

That's what works for me, typing or writing out my thoughts gets them out of my head and not swirling around in there being disruptive ?

I've found that some people are uncaring some of the time or in some situations, and caring in other situations. The sign of behaviour that is not narcissistic is the person concerned tries to make up for behaviour that hurt you.