Overcoming "Fat, stupid and lazy" insults

Onward you didn't make the son who estranged you feel useless and worthless. He hasn't spent his life being put down by his mother but you have.

We always say don't we, that you cannot understand the pain of being estranged by the AC you loved and cared for unless it happens to you. Likewise, no one can understand what it's like to have had a life time of verbal abuse from their mum, and to be lied too unless they've experienced it too.

It's beyond sad that you're estranged from your son and that your mum has destroyed her relationship with you, but she has so please don't feel a bit rubbish about this.

You must put yourself first and if that means very low contact or no contact with your mum, that's what you must do. You cannot make the son who has estranged you want you in his life, and you cannot make your mum love, respect and value you.

You're never going to get what you deserve from her so you need to love, respect and value yourself and be with those who see you for the person you are and love you.

Hey lovely … I couldn’t just scroll past without posting.
It’s time for YOU to take control … not easy I know BUT you can and should choose whether you want to see her and for how long.

When she gets personal then just leave - change the way you react to her. She won’t expect that. It may change her behaviour … but then if it doesn’t … what the heck … you’re in control.

And that’s the thing - you need to take control rather than giving her the control.

You cannot change the past - but the future is full of possibilities. Be bold and brave … start how you mean to go on.

I’m sorry about your estrangement with your son - it’s hard, I know as I’ve been there. One day it may work out - he may sort his life out and seek forgiveness… it does happen. In the meantime - do things for you. You need to put yourself first.
Sending hugs xx

Thanks Smileless. I suppose what I'm trying to say is that I've had a lifetime of my Mother trying to make me nothing by constant put downs and limiting talk, insults and head games...

I know, the only person we can change is ourselves and I have worked on myself, but to the extent that my son who is estranged actually said I was "Entitled". Just because I did not do what he said.
If it's entitled to look after your own self, then I must be. But actually we are all entitled to look after our values, health and self worth because anyone who threatens those is not good for us.

Sad though. Sad that flesh and blood are often the ones to try and destroy.

Thankyou Sunshine Sally. I'm sorry you have been there too.

My mother is a bully, determined to use any means possible to divide and conquer , demean and destroy. I often leave her presence wanting to end my life. Unfortunately I was attracted to abusive partners in the past as it felt familiar but have a wonderful husband who I'm really grateful for. He is absolutely horrified by the behaviour of my family, who he always thought were "nice".

They are "nice" on the surface. To those who don't know what really goes on... Unfortunately my estranged son is more like my Mother than I would like to admit, probably because he spent a lot of time in his formative years with her.

I grew up with a mother like that - my brother was the favourite and I was the one who was always told I would never amount to anything, any time I attempted something different she would always say that I wouldn't be able to do it. She moved to another country with my brother and the first time I visited after 10 years there is film of my brother and his family greeting me with hugs with mum pointing at me and saying how fat I was (I was 10.5 stone!)

We are still in touch, although my letters and gifts are sent out of duty. I no longer allow her negative comments to affect me.

It is difficult but whenever she makes a derogatory comment take a deep breath and repeat a positive mantra. Try something like: "my opinion of me is more important than hers" "I am responsible for my own happiness" or "I don't need others approval"

That's why it's beyond sad Onward, you've had a life time of put downs from your mum and are being treated so badly by your son.

Of course we are all entitled to look after ourselves; our values, health and self worth. No one has the right to take those away from us or to even try.

So sad though. Sad that flesh and blood are often the ones to try and destroy. It is Onward which is why we must do whatever it takes to prevent them from succeeding.

have had similar from my mother over the years, was worse when my dad died. Finished with "I don't want you, I want him (my brother) so i walked have gone no contact although did see her in the nursing home when she moved but really don't miss the constant put downs. Hope you can work through your problems x

Why would you value the opinion of somebody like that?

OnwardandUpward so sorry to hear this. You say your estranged son spent formative years with your mother so being the kind of person she is do you not think it is she who sowed the seeds that have now sadly resulted in estrangement? Do not blame yourself. You say mother will use any means to conquer, demean and destroy. Your son is one of those means.

I don’t really know what to suggest. You cannot let them put you down. Don’t let her know she has won. Keep smiling, albeit through gritted teeth, and feel sorry for her if possible.

OnwardandUpward I wish you well, I really do.

I so know what it feels like to have a mother that doesn’t care, that makes you the black sheep of the family (her family i.e. her brothers and sisters - my aunts and uncles). So I have distanced myself from her and them. When I do see her it’s always out of a sense of duty AND I feel like I can breathe again when it’s over. I haven’t seen her since March when she was in hospital… she has a care package arranged which she loves. I know I’ll have to see her again for Christmas, but it will be for a meal out and then she’ll get taken home so I won’t have to go in. Just thinking about it gives me a heavy heart - but it is what it is and I’ll just put my big girl pants on and get it out of the way!

I’m so glad you’re got a lovely DH - I have too, aren’t we lucky! His parents have been the parents I never had and for that, I’m grateful - though they don’t know the full story and so could never understand why I never saw my parents very often.

Anyway - this isn’t about me - I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. There are many of us out there.

On a positive note - the estrangement is over, but it’s still baby steps …

Just take one day at a time lovely - we can do this x

My Mum wasn't like this but I did have a childless aunt who took great delight in targeting me along similar lines. I was very small as a child, I was quite ill in my early years and this had an impact on my physical development. I also wore spectacles from a very early age too.
My aunt took every opportunity to drag me down; she would make every nasty comment she possibly could. I recall saying one day that I would like to join the Women's Royal Navy, her response........'you can't do that, you wear glasses'. It was the same with lots of other careers suggestions, I wasn't tall enough, I wasn't strong enough, I wasn't clever enough......the list was endless and her put downs knew no limits.
I then married a man of similar character. To him I was 'weak, pathetic and feeble' but he reserved his comments until after the wedding. He was like a changed man, talk about Jekyll and Hyde. I confess to finding myself in some 'really dark places' over the years. I had no self esteem and had to pull on what little strength I had to find my own way in life.
You aren't alone Onward, just focus on you now.

Onwards So sad, like so many other, that you have had so many "Toxic Messages" throughout your life.

These messages do leave people with so much damage it's really difficult to move beyond the damage.

It's even harder still to stop the "Self Talk" that perpetuating those "Toxic Messages".

Knowing these damaging messages for the Lies they are and working on ending the 'self talk" is a good place to start the healing process.

A therapist would help support you while you face the toughest of the realisations that healing needs but if that isn't possible do your own research.

There are so many good resources on line there days it doesn't have to involve building an expensive library.

One way you could start to replace the toxic self talk is by finding The Bill Of Human Right, the ones that state :I Have The Right to ...".

By using the 'I Have The Right... messages to replace the Lies You've been told you will have something to cut off the negative messages before they get a hold on your thoughts and your internal battle starts up.

If you are interested in material that will underpin your hard won understanding start by looking at searches for Surviving,/Recovering from Toxic Messages, A Toxic Parent, A Narcissist, A Narcissistic Parent.

They will be general and you will need to use your discernment to select what fits your situation best, you may find yourself directed to other subject matter if it's helpful.

If you do have a look at the information on the web have a look at The Drama Triangle as I'm guessing your Mother set those up too.

As they say Knowledge is Power and taking back your Power is one of the best things you can do for your Self Care and Protection.

Another area to look at is in Transactional Analysis for the Drowning Man Diagram. It can be help understand that we developed survival behaviours (shown as Balloons) to keep us afloat from the Bricks (toxic messages/lies we were told) that drag us down. If we can sort the Balloons from the Bricks we can starts cutting off the Bricks so we aren't being dragged down - then and only then can we consider changing any of our Balloons (Survival Behaviours).

Recovery from these situations takes years of work but if you are better, even by one small bit, today than you were yesterday your have yourself a Victory.

I wish you, and anyone going through this situation, all the very best in your process of discovery and recovery.

Can I just drop in to give you a hug OnwardandUpward. You are far better off with no contact with people like your mother.

Sending you massive hugs OnwardandUpward. Look to the future and be kind to yourself. You are a beautiful person.

Onwardand Upward, good name by the way.
if you have to have any dealings with your mother, could you try to think of yourself as in a job role, as a support worker in a mental health/social care setting.
she is the difficult client, you are the cool detached professional worker.
i know some careworkers have to deal with clients who are rude and racist, swearing etc.
they decide to carry on because they view them as people who need help and detach from the verbal aggression. they say they are not fully responsible.
anyway, i just wondered if this approach might be any help to you.
don't regard her as your mother, or anything to you at all, just a deluded and bitter old woman.
don't discuss any family matters with her, or anything personal at all, be like a social worker; deal with practical immediate matters only.
don't tell her about yourself, keep your own counsel.
all the best.

ParlorGames

My Mum wasn't like this but I did have a childless aunt who took great delight in targeting me along similar lines. I was very small as a child, I was quite ill in my early years and this had an impact on my physical development. I also wore spectacles from a very early age too.
My aunt took every opportunity to drag me down; she would make every nasty comment she possibly could. I recall saying one day that I would like to join the Women's Royal Navy, her response........'you can't do that, you wear glasses'. It was the same with lots of other careers suggestions, I wasn't tall enough, I wasn't strong enough, I wasn't clever enough......the list was endless and her put downs knew no limits.
I then married a man of similar character. To him I was 'weak, pathetic and feeble' but he reserved his comments until after the wedding. He was like a changed man, talk about Jekyll and Hyde. I confess to finding myself in some 'really dark places' over the years. I had no self esteem and had to pull on what little strength I had to find my own way in life.
You aren't alone Onward, just focus on you now.

I'm so sorry about your Aunt. She sounds like my mother. I too married a man who like Jekyll and Hyde turned after the wedding, literally as soon as we were on our own, too.

I know now that he is a narcissist, but since I had so much conditioning to believe I was at fault, it took me years to realise I wasn't and that it was narcissistic abuse. He had everyone fooled, too. (Painful times!) But I've had a good life since leaving him, thankfully grown stronger at dealing with narcissists and learned more about their tricks. I'm supported by a good man and have been for the last few decades so it's just dealing with the aftermath and growing stronger all the time .

It does still feel like life is a fight as there are still many of them intent on pulling me down and stopping me from living the life I have built. Thankyou. It's often the case that people who were abused in childhood fall back into what feels familiar, so sad. With some reprogramming I did meet a nice man and with much learning about relationships we have managed to thrive as a couple, although I did nearly sabotage it.

I really hope you have managed to escape that dreadful man and find a way to live your life and thrive as the wonderful person you are.

Thanks everyone. Welbeck, that's an excellent idea. I did in fact stop telling her anything earlier this year. The thing is , she IS mentally ill. I know this and it does stop me from being bitter.

Everything that has happened to me since birth when she was sectioned for what she did, has been because of her mental illness. I know this. I did not know it until about a year ago and have suffered a lot until I realised how sick she is and was when I was born. She will always be ill. She probably cannot ever change so I do accept it and it does help me cope. I know that she resents me because of her section that was placed upon her when she tried to harm me as a baby. For that reason in her eyes I will always be branded the trouble maker, the bad person, the one who is at fault.

Unfortunately my father knew this and aided and abetted her, helping to conceal her true mental state over the years simply because she resented him for signing the papers and probably because she had threatened divorce if he did not. It was a very turbulent childhood, full of rejection and pain. Knowing he went along with the awful things she did to me and others rather than having a backbone and standing up for what was right and good, was really hard to deal with.

Now I know neither of them will ever take responsibility and I don't have any expectations but I know the truth now- and no one can take that away. I lived a lie for years but it was never my lie.

Hard as it is, your mother set you up for an abusive relationship and that abusive relationship set you up for troubles with your son.

You can still break the cycle for you and for those you are close too.

Please please have the holiday you deserve this year and put yourself first for once.

Take your life back.

Some people will always try to tell you who you are because that I'd who they need you to be to feel better about themselves and to justify their abuse.

Don't let them.

Be your authentic self and if they can't love you for you, then it is their loss

Esspee

Can I just drop in to give you a hug OnwardandUpward. You are far better off with no contact with people like your mother.

I’m dropping in too OnwardandUpward with a hug as your message made me feel real sad for you.
Mothers should be supportive and lovely and yours isn’t.
So know that and know it’s her and not you.
I’d limit my contact with her as much as you can.

I'm dropping in with a hug and 💃 too. You are getting some good advice here.

With me it was my father, he simply wasn't ready for fatherhood. He was a narcissist. He was extremely handsome and he knew it, to him beauty was everything. He was vain and shallow.

Imagine his disappointment when I was born with a livid birthmark on my face, he was appalled and could hardly bear to look at me. I was ugly and he believed that it reflected badly on him. How could such a handsome man have such an ugly daughter.

He made my childhood a misery, nothing I did was ever good enough. Apart from the little matter of the angry red birthmark I also had baby fine whispy hair for years and I was always too tall and very skinny. I didn't meet his standards of aesthetic perfection so I was worthless.

He hated it that I was such a plain Jane because he couldn't bask in having a beautiful daughter. When my sister was born years later it was obvious that she was a beauty so she became the golden child whilst I was the scapegoat.

He made my life a misery, constantly nagging, undermining my confidence, putting me down. The slightest fault on my part would have him exploding with rage. I became nervous and withdrawn, by the time I was 7 I had developed a stutter and stomach problems. All due to stress.

Luckily a teacher took pity on me and took me under her wing, she gave me free speech lessons to cure my stutter and encouraged me to take up speech and drama. She realised that I was actually quite smart so she became my mentor, directing my reading, encouraging me to pursue my love of art, literature and history, encouraging me to educate myself.

Me being smart seemed only to infuriate my father even more. He fancied himself as an intellectual and he couldn't stand it when I began to outstrip him. He constantly tried to put me down, tell me I couldn't do things because I wasnt clever enough or strong enough or that it wasn't appropriate for girls.

I felt I was destined to be the smart ugly one. That would be my lot in life. Then a funny thing happened, I hit puberty and suddenly the equipment arrived. 😂. I blossomed almost overnight. My hair grew thick and lustrous, I developed a nice figure and had great legs. It was the 60s and suddenly I had the right "look". Tall, slim, endless legs, long shiny hair. I looked and sounded, in the words of one of my boyfriends, like a "posh Chelsea Dolly bird" . The boys were queuing at the door. The ugly duckling had finally turned into a swan......😂 and miraculously even the birthmark began to fade and I learned how to use make up to cover it up.

My dad then tried to backtrack, he now fancied himself as a doting father so that he could take all the credit for his clever, accomplished, attractive daughter. But it was too little, too late, the damage had been done. I wasn't interested.

My childhood left emotional scars and it took years for me to build my self esteem. In fact it was my husband who finally brought me out of my shell, who gave me confidence and encouraged me.

Our childhood legacies can be hard to overcome but it can be done. The cycle can be broken. You are not to blame for your sons estrangement of you, any more than you are to blame for your mothers callous treatment of you.

You can heal......be kind to yourself. Maybe try some counselling or a life coach. And I agree limit contact with your mother. Don't let her continue to undermine you.

VioletSky

Hard as it is, your mother set you up for an abusive relationship and that abusive relationship set you up for troubles with your son.

You can still break the cycle for you and for those you are close too.

Please please have the holiday you deserve this year and put yourself first for once.

Take your life back.

Some people will always try to tell you who you are because that I'd who they need you to be to feel better about themselves and to justify their abuse.

Don't let them.

Be your authentic self and if they can't love you for you, then it is their loss

Yes and its sad. Thanks Violetsky.

A few years back my mother started putting a lot of pressure on me after I was unable to work due to an injury. At the very time I was low, she struck, making sure I felt lower than low. I was on very strong painkillers at the time and I lined them up to end it all because my marriage had ended (because of my own self sabotage due to feeling worthless) and she was taking over, goading and bullying.

It was me who ended the marriage (yes, the marriage to a good and kind man) because I pushed him away due to feeling worthless. She was happier than ever. Then I found out she was visiting him behind my back! I realised she had deliberately split us up and I worked on myself and the relationship. He had not wanted to move out so was willing to work with me. We did a course together which went to the roots of our individual back grounds and it has been the basis of a solid relationship which my mother failed to destroy.

When we retook our vows she stopped talking to me and even moved away without giving me the address!

I am my authentic self now. My parents hate it, but I'm no longer looking for their approval. I have the love and security of a good man. I have more love than I've ever had. I have had a lifetime of being destroyed, starting from birth. Sometimes its still hard to have whole relationships but overall I have triumphed over the programming of my upbringing and will continue to.

I had a toxic mother who made me feel worthless growing up, she argued with just about everyone in the family and also several neighbours.
One argument was the final straw and I decided I didn’t want my young daughters around her, therefore I had no contact with her for over forty years until her death which I found out about by accident.
I have no guilt and I’m relieved she wasn’t in our lives causing trouble, I felt I had to protect my children from it.
If someone is toxic and making you unhappy why have them there mother or not.

DerbyshireLass

I'm dropping in with a hug and 💃 too. You are getting some good advice here.

With me it was my father, he simply wasn't ready for fatherhood. He was a narcissist. He was extremely handsome and he knew it, to him beauty was everything. He was vain and shallow.

Imagine his disappointment when I was born with a livid birthmark on my face, he was appalled and could hardly bear to look at me. I was ugly and he believed that it reflected badly on him. How could such a handsome man have such an ugly daughter.

He made my childhood a misery, nothing I did was ever good enough. Apart from the little matter of the angry red birthmark I also had baby fine whispy hair for years and I was always too tall and very skinny. I didn't meet his standards of aesthetic perfection so I was worthless.

He hated it that I was such a plain Jane because he couldn't bask in having a beautiful daughter. When my sister was born years later it was obvious that she was a beauty so she became the golden child whilst I was the scapegoat.

He made my life a misery, constantly nagging, undermining my confidence, putting me down. The slightest fault on my part would have him exploding with rage. I became nervous and withdrawn, by the time I was 7 I had developed a stutter and stomach problems. All due to stress.

Luckily a teacher took pity on me and took me under her wing, she gave me free speech lessons to cure my stutter and encouraged me to take up speech and drama. She realised that I was actually quite smart so she became my mentor, directing my reading, encouraging me to pursue my love of art, literature and history, encouraging me to educate myself.

Me being smart seemed only to infuriate my father even more. He fancied himself as an intellectual and he couldn't stand it when I began to outstrip him. He constantly tried to put me down, tell me I couldn't do things because I wasnt clever enough or strong enough or that it wasn't appropriate for girls.

I felt I was destined to be the smart ugly one. That would be my lot in life. Then a funny thing happened, I hit puberty and suddenly the equipment arrived. 😂. I blossomed almost overnight. My hair grew thick and lustrous, I developed a nice figure and had great legs. It was the 60s and suddenly I had the right "look". Tall, slim, endless legs, long shiny hair. I looked and sounded, in the words of one of my boyfriends, like a "posh Chelsea Dolly bird" . The boys were queuing at the door. The ugly duckling had finally turned into a swan......😂 and miraculously even the birthmark began to fade and I learned how to use make up to cover it up.

My dad then tried to backtrack, he now fancied himself as a doting father so that he could take all the credit for his clever, accomplished, attractive daughter. But it was too little, too late, the damage had been done. I wasn't interested.

My childhood left emotional scars and it took years for me to build my self esteem. In fact it was my husband who finally brought me out of my shell, who gave me confidence and encouraged me.

Our childhood legacies can be hard to overcome but it can be done. The cycle can be broken. You are not to blame for your sons estrangement of you, any more than you are to blame for your mothers callous treatment of you.

You can heal......be kind to yourself. Maybe try some counselling or a life coach. And I agree limit contact with your mother. Don't let her continue to undermine you.

I'm so sorry DerbyshireLass. I forgot to add "ugly" to the title! Because thats the other thing they made sure to tell me. Looking back, I wasnt at all and I wish I could have known that to save me from chronic self hate.

So sorry you had all that from your father. My father too was handsome ( he knew it and would flirt with women constantly even in front of my Mother) I think he was probably also a narcissist. Yes, I had the rages too- from both parents. We were terrified. From an early age my biggest goal in life was not to be like them.

So sorry about your father's immature reaction to your birth mark! What an amazing teacher you had, to help you like that! Teachers can make such a difference! They really can make or break a child. I was bullied really badly by a teacher at Junior school but when I went to my next school I had lovely teachers.

My father also has always thought he is the cleverest and has stopped at nothing to put me down, especially after I have excelled in areas he has not. I think it is worse for him because as a Misogynist, he cannot bear that a woman should do anything he hasn't done. Even now, he will still do the fat/lazy/ugly/stupid stuff. I ignore it because he is old but I limit interactions.

I can't be with insecure men who are abusers. It is always the insecure ones that try to reduce a woman to nothing, to something they can control.

Derbyshire Lass, I'm happy for you that you had boys and glamour in the 60's. That must have been fab and a real boost. I never had that and married the first abuser who proposed, thinking I was worthless and lucky to get someone to accept me.

I was completely isolated from my friends because they had been allowed to attend college, while I was forced to get a job at 15 and not allowed to do the course I been given a place on. This really affected my self esteem even more and the isolation added to my zero self worth meant that I stayed silent and lived in an abusive relationship for many more years.

My life begun again when I left that abuser. I realised, with help, that I had gone from the frying pan into the fire with that relationship.

I'm so happy for you DerbyshireLass that your husband brought you out of your shell and gave you confidence. Once that has happened and you become enlightened, you can never go back to being abused.

It is my Mother who tries to take the credit for my achievements, even using my name online and pretending to be me. I have to laugh because it is ridiculous.

Sending HUGS to Violet Sky and DerbyshireLass and everyone who has had similar experiences