Do you find estrangement is the gift that keeps on giving.....?

Namsnanny, so sorry about what’s happened, it’s very cruel. Your husband was just being himself, he couldn't very well have gone for your son with both barrels, so don’t. let it cause trouble between you both. Your son sounds very immature. Just stick together, you have done what you could in relation to your aunt, the other beneficiary should explain their actions to the solicitor, quite out of order and high handed, you should have done it together, tell the solicitor.

Thank you so much for your reply
dont let it cause trouble between you both
you are so right. We only have each other.
The older we get the more it's true.
I'm just reacting like a selfish child.
But I think Im feeling more balanced now.
I'm so grateful for your reply though, it is so helpful

Dear Namsnanny I'm so sorry that you're understandably upset by this.

There was no need for your EAC to 'phone, and having chosen to do so, should have at the very least been polite when you answered the 'phone.

I agree with you 100% "If they want to be estranged then be estranged". It was totally unnecessary to 'phone as as you say, someone who you are in contact with could have let you know and does your DH really have to be contacted to be told about the death of his brother's 4th wife has died? Why didn't his brother contact him if the news is so important that it cannot wait.

After more than seven years of estrangement, I received an email for our ES two days after my mother died!!! I was furious. He'd been estranged from her as long as he'd been estranged from us. It what an intrusion into my grief, and one that he had no right to make.

I hope that by sharing this here you'll feel to some extent unburdened. Try and take on board what Allsorts has said and don't allow this to come between you.

I can see Mr. S. would have responded the same way and if he had, I'd have felt just like you do now.

Don't suggest that family don't talk about your GC, tell them and when they start and ask if you want to see photo's say no and maybe add that you can't believe how crass and insensitive they are by assuming you would.

What's happened since the death of your Aunt is sordid. Unfortunately vultures sometimes gather when there's been a death. You've done nothing wrong so get a police investigation and when it's finished and you've been exonerated, put the entire distasteful experience behind you.

You are coping, you've been coping and will continue to do so. I know you love your EAC, we love our ES but when they can do things like this they are not worth wasting our tears over.

Stay strong. You can do this and as long as you share here, you'll never have to do it alone.

And to answer your question yes, I do find that estrangement is the gift that keeps on giving, a gift I wouldn't give to my worse enemy.

It sounds like you have a lot on your plate at the moment

I would take a step back until you sort out which feelings belong to which situation

Does your husband have contact with your estranged son? Hard as it is for you, he does have that right to remain in contact withbhis child should he wish and that would be a small positive.

Maybe you need to get some help to process everything that is upsetting you, it's easy to let things snowball and cause difficulties between you and others when there is so much happening

Mr S would have responded the same way, and I would have felt the same as you
Thank you, I did feel quite badly for admitting how I felt. But we are only human

When they do things like this they arn't worth our tears
My husband said something along those lines.
I have spent my time thinking this person will someday realise we love them, that we did our best, and there would be some kind of rapprochement.
But even though in my heart of hearts I know I still believe /hope that the person I knew as my child is still there, the more time goes by, the more they become some one else.

Love your last two paragraphs. I will take solace from them [floweres]

Thank you for your post VioletSky

Hope things get easier soon

I really appreciate that

My husband would have reacted exactly the same.
Regardless of the circumstances, he would have been so happy to hear our sons voice.

Sara1954, found your comment very touching, just to hear his voice. Exactly. Estrangement, must be one of the worst things a parent could experience. We just get used to eventually coping.

Namsnanny I am so sorry for all that you are dealing with.

So many different aspects of your situation and a maelstrom of emotions about each one , all mixed up together.

When you can, you and your husband can perhaps share together each others feelings about what has happened; you have each other. You are not reacting like a selfish child, just a normal human being with hurts. As is your husband, in his own way

You are coping and will cope. But dont think you are alone to cope. Take care of yourself. Talk when you need to. On here. To your husband. To a friend. Who ever you feel is right for you [ flowers]

My DH has moved on from his sons estranging him, (for different reasons).

He's gone from sorrow to anger now.

He's handling it on a practical level ( in his view). He's changed his will, so they get nothing, and left a letter, with the solicitor/executor, stating that his personal jewellery (rings, watches), go to my grandsons, and that his family get nothing.

He's bitterly disappointed that he never hears from his adult GCs either.

It's sad, but he needs to work through it - I can support, and I do, but I never offer an opinion on all this.

I don't know - life's too short really. I'd sooner just play Happy Families, but there's nowt as queer as folk, as they say.

OP - all you and your DH can do is support each other. You cannot change the selfish behaviour of some adult kids.

And, let the police deal with any problem with bequests.

Best wishes.💐

Sara1954

My husband would have reacted exactly the same.
Regardless of the circumstances, he would have been so happy to hear our sons voice.

Yes, it's so sad but true.
Sometimes the first reaction we have, shows our true heartfelt emotions.

When you can, perhaps you and your husband can share your feelings about this...

I thought this was so very helpful.
I just jumped into my own hurt feelings and reacted (badly).

Actually when we spoke in depth he said I had used the word 'darling' to my EAC when the penny dropped who was on the phone!
I had completely forgotten, I'd spoken in this way.😳
So hurt was I, that I missed my first reaction to hearing my childs voice, which was a surge of relief and love, the same as his.

I obviously have to look at my hair trigger emotions.
And possibly find a better way to soothe both of our feelings.

Thank you for the last paragraph of your post Madgran I tend to avoid talking about this as a safety mechanism. Only post when things get out of control.
Your support and encouragement does help very much. Thank you.

You are SO welcome Namsnanny. Keep talking when you need to. And dont beatvyourself up over hair trigger reactions. It's so human when one is hurting and at least you and your husband are able to talk when that first maelstrom has calmed down.

👍

There are many situations that we have absolutely no idea how we'll react too, until they happen and picking up the 'phone and finding your EAC on the line, is one of those situations.

When I received the email from our ES offering his condolences for my mum's death, the first emotion I experienced when I knew he'd emailed, was fear. I got Mr. S. to read it first in case it was nasty. Then when I read it I was angry, so waited until the next day before I responded so my response wouldn't be an angry one.

You responded instinctively Namsnanny, so instinctively that when you realised it was your ES on the 'phone, you called him darling and had been unaware that you'd done so.

Your DH acted instinctively on that surge of relief and love that you'd experienced too.

What Mr. S. and I have learned is that it's impossible to know what all our triggers are and when we're going to be triggered.
Also Namsnanny you were already upset before your H spoke to him because of the way your ES spoke to you. He said 'put dad on' and "barked" his name when you asked who was calling.

Of course you "couldn't quite grasp who was speaking", getting a call from him would have been the last thing you were expecting.

Your DH is as you say DiamondLily finding his way to work through this. Mr. S. and I have found ours and we don't always do it in the same way but always together, if that makes sense.

Gosh your recollection of the phonecall was completely different to your husbands!

No wonder it got muddled

Glad you were able to talk it through and have a positive outcome

I wouldn't say Namsnanny's recollection is totally different to her husband's, she just hadn't realised she'd called their ES darling.

VioletSky

Gosh your recollection of the phonecall was completely different to your husbands!

No wonder it got muddled

Glad you were able to talk it through and have a positive outcome

Your recollection of the phonecall was completely different to your husbands

I dont think thats correct VS, but is an illustration of how people view the spoken or written word differently

I think it's more as smileless pointed out, the distress of being spoken to in an unnecessary way, temporarily threw me into a muddle.

Which is why I felt the way I did. Talking it through with my very patient husband we realized the only reason he didn't feel agitated in the same way as me, was because he hadn't been barked at and ignored in the same way.

Btw, we have both been estranged, and both of us have held that as the defining way we deal with our EAC.
That is to respect their perspective and never contact them in anyway possible.

Our thoughts on this are, no good will come from forcing any interaction with them, or through family members (thinking they are helping) passing on gossip.

In fact a lot of extra trouble has been unnecessarily created for us by interfering people. You know the rubber necking types who love a bun fight, so long as it isn't theirs.

EAC want this estrangement, not us. So be it.

But having said that, we have to try to move on.
Even seeing it in print is horrifying to me.
Move. On.
With out them in our lives.
It feels almost impossible, even though this is what we have been doing for the last 4 ish years. Plus the Egg Shell Years (as I call them) before.

I've not wanted to accept that this is it, for the relationship.
But maybe this incident will harden my will to live my life for me.
Because all I've been doing is treading water, hoping my lovely, flawed, EAC will find a way back to us.
I'm trying to hate the sin but love the sinner, if that can be applied to this situation.

Glad you were able to talk it through and have a positive outcome Thank you.

Maybe more positive than could have been expected. Primarily because people on the Estrangement threads have understanding and knowledge, and most of all are genuine in their wish to help.
For which I am most truly grateful.

Just saw your reply Smileless Thanks

It's defonitely positive because you both engaged kindly and you now have nothing to worry over.

That's one thing I'm also quite proud of myself about when getting calls from estranged family members that caught me off guard

DiamondLily

My DH has moved on from his sons estranging him, (for different reasons).

He's gone from sorrow to anger now.

He's handling it on a practical level ( in his view). He's changed his will, so they get nothing, and left a letter, with the solicitor/executor, stating that his personal jewellery (rings, watches), go to my grandsons, and that his family get nothing.

He's bitterly disappointed that he never hears from his adult GCs either.

It's sad, but he needs to work through it - I can support, and I do, but I never offer an opinion on all this.

I don't know - life's too short really. I'd sooner just play Happy Families, but there's nowt as queer as folk, as they say.

OP - all you and your DH can do is support each other. You cannot change the selfish behaviour of some adult kids.

And, let the police deal with any problem with bequests.

Best wishes.💐

Life's too short, I'd sooner just play Happy Families

Oh I so agree with you, and again cant change the behaviour of others.
all you and your DH can do is support each other Exactly. None of us know when it will end (sorry unsettling to talk of) We need to make the best of what we have.

I think, reading your post your husband has a real rock in you.

Thank you for the best wishes.