Fraught with angst

Dottyw, sympathy for your plight. I'd like to stress though that it isn't true that "this generation use children as weapons against us"
I'm not disputing that estrangement, threats of cutting off contact happen but desperate though those situations are, they don't represent the majority of families.
Your daughter sounds to be a controlling, manipulative person. There are a number of similar threads on gransnet currently and in the past. How much of your current difficulties with your daughter are long standing. Would some kind of mediation help.

I do not think that this sorry situation is the norm - it does sound as though your daughter has some troubles of her own which motivate this unreasonable and manipulative behaviour. I am so sorry that you are having to endure this. I do not think I have any suggestions as to how you might deal with it - there are lots of things you could do but I am guessing that you fear to take these steps in case you see less of your DGD.

I an understand that - and feel that your DGD probably needs you as a good role model of decent behaviour.

*DottyW, how difficult for you. I think this is a problem every generation has had but it happens more now our children are dependent on grandparents for childcare.

And the childcare you give may give you the power to sort this situation. Your daughter bullies you because she knows you will respond to it and she enjoys the power it gives her. You must stop succumbing to her bullying and take control yourselves

You say you are an unpaid nanny. Does she have anyone else who will provide her with unpaid care if you do not? Can she afford to pay for care? probably unlikely on both counts.

You must tellyour daughter that her behaviour is unacceptable. Tell her that your health is suffering and if either of you becomes ill it will be impossible to provide child care. It is a risk, but I think her need for your childcare is the dominant need in her life.

I think you know this is the only solution but are desperately looking for an unconfrontational alternative. I do not think there is one

Thanks everyone. Some very good advice. Sometimes i know it in my heart but need it confirmed. I will try my hardest.

I was told yesterday that I need a hip replacement. I have had a painful hip for some time now and the effects are quite debilitating- painful walking etc. I am “on the list” but physiotherapist advised that this is 6-8 months - though I can hope for a cancellation some time sooner. Can any kind GN’er offer any advice/handy tips once I have had procedure done and I am back home? I was a little bit alarmed when I was told yesterday “this is a very brutal operation so expect a lot of pain for at least three weeks post op”. Any suggestions greatfully received!

Floriatosca
I have no advice regarding your hip replacement as I've not been in your situation.
I would advise you to start your own thread though as your post will be lost in this thread. I also believe there are other threads probably on the health forum on this topic if you look

Floriatosca my husband had his hip replaced when he was 50. He woke up after the operation and the hip pain had gone. He looked years younger as the effects of the debilitating pain were no more. He certainly didn't experience brutal pain and as far as I can remember didn't need any strong painkillers. There was just an overwhelming sense of relief at no longer being in pain! His replacement meant that for 6 weeks he couldn't be weight bearing. After that he never looked back.

He has recently had a knee replaced and that is an entirely different kettle of fish when it comes to pain. His consultant advised that when a hip is replaced you never give it a thought but you will always be aware that a knee has been replaced. I hope your hip replacement goes as smoothly as DH's did.

With children who make demands, you have to consider how well that tactic has worked for them in the past, if you have been walking on egg shells for years then it works for her.

Tell her you have had enough and she depends on you for child care, free of charge and you demand respect. You simply can't go on allowing her to brow beat you when it affects your health, doesn't do her any favours and things can only get worse, especially as you get older.

Unless you are prepared to make yourselves vulnerable to her bullying you really don't have much choice.

She may stop you seeing the GC but then dropping dead early with the stress will also curtail that contact. You have other family to consder too, be strong, you may surprise yourself.

So sorry to hear this. You are in fact being bullied. This will be so very hard for you but I think you may have to call her bluff. Your son and both of you have to make it clear you are made very unhappy by her behaviour. Let me tell you that an unpaid nanny will be missed long before you regret your stand. I wish you luck and send a hug.

I had my hip replaced in 2011. I’m not going to lie. It was very painful after surgery and it took me a lot longer to recover than I thought it would but it was well worth it. I was really quite disabled with my painful hip and referred pain in my back and I was on a cocktail of drugs before surgery. Accept everything the Occupational Therapist gives you especially a raised toilet seat. Also you can borrow a wheelchair from the Red Cross for a temporary loan. I would also ask Red Cross for a wheelchair cushion which he should use on any chair he sits in and also in the car. I started by walking across the living room several times a day then short walks along a flat pavement. Try not to worry the hospital staff will give you guidance.

I feel so sorry for your situation. You need to take the power back. She needs you more than you need her for childcare and she should be made aware of this. Take her for a coffee... just you two.. and calmly tell her how you feel and focus together how best to make your Grandaughters care fun. You both have the happiness of your granddaughter at heart so work on that. She cannot be allowed manipulate you to her gain... not a good example to her child either.

I don't know how anyone can deny that today's generation of mChildren are not stupid and know who love them.

others use their children to blackmail their parents emotionally as it seems to be a constant thread on Gransnet! It is heartbreaking the amount of sheer bullying children to which subject their parents and, ironically, usually when they are also exploiting the grandparents for unpaid childcare.

These horrible children know exactly what they are doing in threatening to cut off contact between grandparents and grandchildren.

The only way to deal with it is by hardening the heart and resisting. However, I suspect that the prospect of losing beloved grandchildren is too awful and that the blackmailers will win.

If the situation becomes desperate and communication is dropped, grandparents could always resume contact when the children are older and can choose for themselves. In a divorce the age of thirteen is used to allow children to choose some of their parental contact time.

It goes without saying that using children to manipulate others is beyond immoral.

I am re-posting my comment as the original ended up (unaccountably) as gibberish!

I don't know how anyone can deny that today's generation of mothers use their children to blackmail their parents emotionally as it seems to be a constant thread on Gransnet! It is heartbreaking the amount of sheer bullying children to which subject their parents and, ironically, usually when they are also exploiting the grandparents for unpaid childcare.

These horrible children know exactly what they are doing in threatening to cut off contact between grandparents and grandchildren.

The only way to deal with it is by hardening the heart and resisting. However, I suspect that the prospect of losing beloved grandchildren is too awful and that the blackmailers will win.

If the situation becomes desperate and communication is dropped, grandparents could always resume contact when the children are older and can choose for themselves. In a divorce the age of thirteen is used to allow children to choose some of their parental contact time.

It goes without saying that using children to manipulate others is beyond immoral.

I think I would ask your daughter if she would enjoy being treated with such disrespect by her own daughter.

It's totally unacceptable, and by allowing yourself to be bullied so cruelly, you are both setting examples to your GD that this sort of behaviour is acceptable.

If you don't toughen up, things will become much worse.

Good luck!

That is a really dreadful situation that the parents have allowed to get completely out of hand. My husband's sister-in-law was exactly the same. Being the eldest child she could do no wrong. If she said something had to be exactly so, they did it. Even so far as on OUR wedding day, she was unhappy with the seating that she and her husband and child had been placed and made my brother-in-law move their table setting onto the top table - because she felt that's where they should have been put - even though Stuart and I, my Mum, and Stuart's Mum and Dad had worked out the table plan so carefully! Highly disrespectful of our wedding day. She often had a tantrum if things didn't how she wanted it and her parents would just shrug it off saying "well, that's how Ro is." Frankly, as an adult and a mother, if I'd thrown a tantrum in a house full of family my Mum would've taken me to one side and given me a slap and told me to behave like the adult you're meant to be! By allowing this child to rule the roost the parents are just making a rod for their (and everyone else's!!!!) own backs. She is not the one in charge nor the be all and end all and the sooner she realises that she cannot stipulate what others do, the better. Our lives were a total misery over my sister-in-law's hold on what we did and didn't do. Don't let this child ruin the rest of your lives!

Dotty, you know you need to be strong and decide where your boundaries are. That is why you have asked Gransnetters for help. Some children have difficult personalities (your son seems fine) but don't give in to manipulation and bullying out of guilt. She is an unhappy young woman, but she is an adult and a parent, and she needs to be responsible for herself. As others have said, although she may cut off for a while to frighten you, you are still offering free childcare, so she will probably come round. You will have to be resolute, but it is worth it for you, your grandchild, and ultimately, your daughter. The situation is getting nowhere, so the answer is to change things. Courage and good luck!

Her behaviour may not be the norm but it has become increasingly common I am afraid. I joined Mumsnet to try to understand my DIL, accepting that younger people have different ideas these days. It is shocking the number of MIL threads on there where, obviously, you only hear one side of the story but contributors line up to recommend the poster goes No Contact with the offending MIL.
Every story like this has at least two sides. OP, you need to discover just what your daughter objects to and see if you can adjust your behaviour to minimise conflict. Perhaps withdraw a little and let her try to find (paid?) childcare herself if she is unhappy with how you do it.
We oldies don't have many years left to enjoy. Your health is paramount.

You need to take back control and tell you DD that she needs to treat you with the respect you deserve I do not think she will stop you seeing your little one as she is dependant on childcare,she sounds spoilt and a bully and personally I would not put up with it so take back the reins and get that respect back on track.

By putting up with and accepting her appalling behaviour, you are encouraging it. Let’s hope your granddaughter doesn’t take her Mums lead and try the same tactics. You have put up with this bullying behaviour for far too long, take a stand now for the sake of your granddaughter, who will learn by example

Sorry, but there is no way you can hope to resolve this without a degree of confrontation. Stay calm, and tell your Daughter that her behaviour is totally unacceptable, and is adversely affecting your health to the extent that you may no longer be able to provide child care. You may well find that this may bring her to her senses. If not, stick to your guns, otherwise you will continue to be abused by her. You need to take back control of your life, and if she chooses to wield your Grandchildren as weapons she will undoubtedly be the loser in the longer term. Be brave... P.S. This is most definitely NOT the norm, and is not representative of the younger generation.

Agree totally with Monica - make yourself unavailable the next time she needs you - fabricate a doctor’s or hospital appointment (if it’s in the day) or say that you’re simply doing something else if it’s in the evening - this will raise her awareness to the fact that you have health issues and may place her in the position of having to pay for child care even if only once and this will focus her mind but how important you are to her .

Has your daughter always behaved like this? How was she at school and is it just her parents that get this treatment?

I suspect this is not recently started behaviour from your daughter so, I'm afraid, that you also have to take some responsibility, as parents, for allowing it to happen in the first place! You only have two alternatives- insist she treat you with more respect as she is setting a bad example to your grandchild who will, in time, copy her bad behaviour or put up and shut up. Hard comments I know but, sadly, true.

Not too sure why hip replacements were in this thread ? Re your daughter, it will be difficult to address long established behavioural patterns, but this is clearly making you ill. I agree with the others, it has to stop. I personally would start by saying how much I love them all, how important they are to you etc But then let her know just how much distress she is causing you by this behaviour, and ask why logical discussions are not possible, and why is she so angry towards you. Some very valid points made in these posts, such as “would she like her daughter to treat her this way” because her daughter will grow up to think that this is normal behaviour. Also, I would say that if she uses her child as a weapon against you it will really damage that child who is used to having you in her life. If you finish up with you recognise how hard she works etc hopefully she will see that damage that she is doing all round. There are family mediation groups as a last resort, does she need anger management help ? So hope it works out for you ....