Shouting at grandchild

My dad used to shout at me and my brothers when we were children He also used to box our ears. My mum was worse. Not only did she shout but also terrified us by chasing us with a carving knife. if she caught us she used to hold the knife up to our throats. My younger brother was a bit of a devil and always in trouble. One day she chased him with the knife and he ran up a ladder against our garage wall and stayed up there for ages. She shouted "Come down here!!!" NOT LIKELY! Did it harm us? We all survived and still loved them,,, Because we knew they would be all right once they had calmed down.

You are not with them 24/7. Having 2 children under 4 all day can be absolutely exhausting and you are only there for a short time. Whilst I would say don't interfere, perhaps you can diffuse the situation. If you see a situation about to happen that will cause sil to erupt try diversionary tactics to avoid it.

Whilst I hate to admit it, your description could be my own son and we would witness this behaviour with horror. However, speed forward and now the children are a bit older, whilst he is still on a short fuse, they are such lovely, kind and responsive children. They are well mannered and mostly well behaved and from everything we can see they absolutely adore their daddy.

I have this with my SIL. I've learned to keep my mouth shut! My daughter hates it, I hate it and Grandaughter goes into meltdown mode. The psychologist has told him it is counter productive, he's done the parenting courses twice but still he can't help himself. It is the biggest cause of discontentment in their household. I don't know what the answer is but I empathise.

Don't times change! Time was when dads were there to dish out the discipline which might indeed include hitting and almost certainly shouting. Does shouting harm children? of course not. In fact sometimes it can save them from harm by stopping them from doing dangerous things. I would just ignore it. The dad is doing his best.

I was a shouty parent and dit did my kids no harm, in fact my son had a problem with a teacher in primary school her didn't like but all the other kids did. In the next year he had a strict teacher who would raise her voice a bit to make her point and my son loved her. It was miss and miss that, she could do no wrong. I would suggest you carry on as you are.

In my day the children would get a smack, so getting shouted at has to be an improvement, surely?

As the daughter of a much loved father that shouted, I can quite honestly say that it hasn't affected me in any way. The thing is, children need to learn where the barriers are in life if it be safety, bad behaviour or anything. The times when my father shouted, meant I knew when to stop and so did my brothers and sister as well as my son and nieces and nephews !
Your SiL has a different way to discipline than you have, so suggest you butt out unless you witness actual harm.

keep out of it, you will be seen as possibly meddling

I too have a son in law with an incredibly short fuse . He was an army man and when he shouts it’s really terrible. He’s a good husband and father to my three year old granddaughter who is a right little monkey! As has been said, a three year old is just learning about the world and gets up to all sorts. He has an incredibly short fuse and frightens the child . I’m a retired teacher of children with Special Needs to add to the background of this post. Sudden outbursts like the ones I’ve witnessed are terrifying for a child and he cuddles her later on ... this could colour her learned view of men and what love is ...setting her up to seek a man who is abusive and controlling. I dare not say anything but it does not stop me being worried sick . Shouting at children simply doesn’t work and a grown man frightening a young child is disgraceful.

I hate to say this Grannyactivist but I have to report that these days shouting at the little sods in my daughter's class is often the only way the little bu****s can be got through to. Especially when it comes to breaking up a classroom fight. (her being 5ft 3, and weighing around 9 stone!) Sigh!

I think it’s a shocking way to behave towards a small child. My twin grandchildren are seven now and have a father that behaves in this exact way. Now they are older and can express themselves fully, they say that his behaviour makes them unhappy. They see him at weekends and one night a week as my daughter split up with him. The boy, in particular, is upset greatly by his father’s on-off behaviour. However much he cuddles and apologises later, damage has been done. It’s a huge red flag.

Just to add, we're not really a "shouty" family and we've had problems at school where if a teacher shouts my son gets extremely upset and cries, cowers and flinches. He's just not used to and it really affects him.

Most definitely do not interfere.
I agree with your son in law that his son is capable of understanding at three years old that 'no' means 'no'; he is undoing his discipline if he shouts, tells the child off and then runs after him and cuddles him. I hope he doesn't say 'Daddy didn't mean it.'
Firmness and holding to the point are what are needed, then he won't need to raise his voice, but your grandson has already learned that bursting into tears when reproved earns him sympathy.
And most certainly do not tell your daughter; not your business.

I think you are worrying too much about this. So long as Daddy gives him a loving cuddle after the shouting, there will be no harm done. Children at a very young age start to realise that mums and dads get angry sometimes, just like they do.

So long as there is plenty of love about, and the shouting goes no further than that, things will be fine. Dad is obviously working on it.

Just from observation I would say the occasional bit of shouting is not that unusual among young dads or young mums going by our High Street! I know that doesn't make it right. As always I would avoid getting involved if you can people seem to have to try so hard to be a parent now and if your DD is not worried you could find yourself in the middle of something you can't actually solve.

As a teacher I never raised my voice in class because I believe it defeats the object. When we had trainee teachers I used to tell them that shouting in the classroom is like using the horn to steer your car; it won't get you anywhere. Nevertheless, what you describe Lindey seems to be an occasional meltdown born of frustration and in the context of a loving dad who spends quality time interacting with the child so I really don't think I would make too much of it.

As an aside I remember when my own children were young they often used to say that I had 'shouted' at them when in fact I hadn't, I had merely used a lower tone and a fierce stare. As adults they reflect on that and say that although that's true it 'felt' as though I'd shouted.

Would it be quite out of the question for you to say to your SIL that shouting at a little child scares him?

Obviously, the young father regrets doing so, otherwise he wouldn't be cuddling the child afterwards.

I would definitely say something when the child was not present, if anyone shouted at a small child, or for that matter a dog!

This "butt out, he isn't your child attitude" that so many of you show really surprises me. We are grandparents with the benefit of experience, so a politely expressed opinion should be a possibility.

Modelling has been suggested ...problem is that if dad feels that his role with his child is being "usurped" he will not react positively!
I think that young children who are in a loving home soon learn the different dynamics with different people and that is part of life. The little boy will know that daddy shouts when angry but he will also know that's just daddy and that he is not in danger!

I agree with MamaCaz You can lead by example otherwise don't worry too much about this. I have to admit to being a 'shouty' person with a bit of a short fuse but it was always short lived and my children knew they were loved.
We all have different temperaments Lindey and I'm sure your grandson knows he is loved too.

It's completely understandable that it's hard for poor Lindey to stand back and watch her lovely grandson (or any small child) being treated in this way. I think it's a good suggestion for her to model her way of dealing with difficult moments with the little boy at a time when the Dad's around so he can see that there are better ways of dealing with the situation. Sounds like the Dad might be under stress. A nice cup of tea and a 'how was your day?' might take the sting out of things. As ever, it's about cultivating positive relationships. That included the dad's with his little son.

He sounds like a loving father.

I think it's very unlikely that what you describe having seen on " a couple of occasions" will have a detrimental effect on his three year old son, lasting or otherwise.

Not sure why you're comparing your method of discipline to his. You simply need to mind your own business, play your grandmother role and let him as a parent handle any disciplinary measures.

Perhaps if you see a situation developing you could ‘model’ your way to deal with it eg distraction springs to mind. Then perhaps your SiL would think and use that in future!

It doesn’t have to be obvious. I’m sure you could manage that subtly.

Yes it’s very difficult isn’t it, but you need to be very careful, your daughter must know that he behaves this way , if so
Perhaps you should ask her how she feels about it & open up a dialogue best wishes .