Feel terrible... please tell me what you would do

I'm sorry you're feeling so wretched. I have to say, your husband isn't exactly pulling out all the stops to woo you back home, is he? Can you imagine a life away from him?

Sorry you are having to cope with this. I really don’t know how you should deal with it but please make sure you keep that text on your ‘phone and any others he may send.

I’m sorry you are going through this. I don’t know how you should deal with it but ease keep the text he sent and any others. You may need them as ‘ evidence’ ( legal or within the family) in the future.

I'm sorry things are so difficult for you. Surely your family know what he is like and wouldn't believe him saying bad things about you. It sounds as if he has always been difficult. Is there something specific worse than usual that's the final straw to make you leave? It would be a good idea to get legal advice on your financial situation so you can then make a decision as to whether to give the marriage another go.

Have you approached anyone like Women's Aid for help? A friend has just managed to extricate herself from a horrendous marriage with their help. They have information about financial rights and they are also up to speed on coercive behaviour, which it sounds as though your husband has been perpetrating. It is now a crime.

I hope you can find a way through - my friend thought she had no hope at all but in fact the tables have been turned and she has been empowered to escape from her situation.

He's not being exactly conciliatory, is he? Has he always been like this or is this more recent behaviour? If it's the latter it could be down to first stages of dementia - or maybe he's just forgotten how to respect you. Stay calm - he's making empty threats, though I would tell the DC what's going on before he tries to paint you as the wrong 'un. You maybe need someone to act as go-between to make your case without riling him if his temper is an issue.

Oh dear! This is awful. It wouldn't be right to tell you which path to take as that choice MUST be yours, however, I CAN tell you what I might do in those circumstances.
I'd go home and, during the next couple of weeks, I'd keep a diary of every instance when I was put down. Keep it hidden in the lining of an old handbag...make a tear in one of the pockets.
If I could record anything on on my phone without him knowing, then all the better. After that two weeks I'd go alone to see son and DIL and tell them what his father has said he will do to blacken name and tell lies.
If I was absolutely sure that I couldn't bear to live the rest of my life with the man, then I would ask son to help me move to father's home (if there is room)
It may be possible to apply for carers allowance whilst looking after dad and get a job of some sort.
I would not be destitute. I would look for accommodation in the private rental sector. If my son and daughter had any sense they would not believe outright smears on my name. Why would someone want to leave a happy, harmonious relationship, if not for serious reasons?
Think about the next 30+ years. It might be an idea (when you next cook dinner for the whole family) if you asked him outright if he enjoyed the meal as last time he rubbished it AND you, after everyone had gone home. Put him on the spot.
Think long and hard. Whatever you decide...look after number 1.

I believe you would be entitled to some money from the sale of the house, even if it is in your H's name.

You could get some advice from Women's Aid or CAB.

Well done for leaving! Please see a solicitor and Women's Aid. As someone said upthread WA are experts in helping women in abusive relationships and most solicitors give an initial consultation free.

I'm sure you will find that you are entitled to a fair share of any assets - probably 50%.

Your children will be aware of their father's behaviour.

Don’t delete that text. Keep it to show whoever when and if the need arises.

And stand up to him. For a start tell him he’s an idiot to put what he did in a text and he’d better start acting in a less aggressive manner. Be assertive. You are allowimg that text to frighten you so turn it on its head and use it against him.

This isn’t meaning you are turning blackmailer, only that you are taking control of the situation and fighting back.

Then go and see a solicitor.

You’ve done the right thing. Talk to your children and keep them in the picture - and, if possible on side. He’s probably spun them some yarn about you moving out to look after your dad, they need to know the full picture. And see a solicitor. CAB or Relate. Good Luck!

Are your son and daughter aware of the situation? Could you confide in them?
Consult a solicitor and find out your options, which are probably better than you think. You have shared in running a family business, and can register an interest in the house if it is not in joint names to prevent him selling it.
Take your time to think about what you want before you return, but make sure you visit your house regularly in case he changes the locks or removes your possessions.
I would hope that your son would be horrified by his father's behaviour and would take him to task over it. I think you have reached breaking point, and your husband's behaviour needs to change.

Didn’t want to read and run.
How awful for you to have put up with this. As others have said, you’ve made a start by leaving, for many other women this is the most difficult part.
Do keep the texts and be open with your family why you have left.
Whether it is best to go back is your decision, of course. I’d get some legal advice re assets. It might also be useful to have evidence of bank accounts etc. Good advice to keep a diary of events.

Do not confront your husband about the text, do not remind him you have written evidence, he may try to get your phone to delete the message. Take expert advice so that you are provided for financially.

You could forward the text to your children just in case it gets deleted on your phone and also to let them see how he is behaving. You will hopefully feel better once you open up to your children about how things are.

harrigran there are many, many ways to save this text so it cannot be ‘vanished’ and yes, as Bellanonna says one way is to forward it to someone for safe keeping. Another way is to screenshot it and save it to a cloud, or even print it out.

I think the OP should stand her ground and not let this man intimidate her. But I agree about taking advice too.

You must take legal advice, even if by some miracle your husband changes and you decide to try again. You will likely be entitled to half the business residue and half the house and need to make sure you have ample pension provision. Concentrate on this, on getting your ducks in a row, and let him stew and threaten all he likes, it is all bluster and panic. As others have said, don't mention the text to him but do keep it. Not only is he a bully, he is a stupid one. Good luck and get thee to a solicitor!

Please take courage and leave him. Like others have said there is help out there. You need to start living he is destroying your confidence and self esteem. Good luck.

Cheerfullizzy, has he ever hit you or threatened you with violence? I do think you should definitely seek advice from Women's aid. Also look up threatening behaviour as the law has changed recently and includes emotional damage.
Be careful going back and if you do start collecting evidence.
You may not think you are powerful but you do have rights under the law.

It sounds as if you've had enough, and I'm not surprised. If this is a longstanding dissatisfaction and you're finally at the end of your tether (rather than January blues), I think you should get some legal advice. If you've been married for 37 years and have helped to run the business, you should be entitled to a reasonable share of house, money, etc. Good luck.

That is appalling and you need legal advice as to how you stand financially should you decide to split. Have your daughter and son ever seen how he behaves with you in the past? When you say you are financially dependent on him do you have any assets or pensions in your own name?

Thank you so much for all your advice.... today I went on the train to look after my little granddaughter..& I spoke with my son & daughter at lunchtime... I felt awful for telling them... but so relieved that I did... I think ashamed is the word i'm feeling/ looking for to have to tell them that their dad has behaved this way... theyve read the text for themselves..& now realise what things have been like.... theyve advised me to take things carefully & at some point talk it over with him how rediculous & immature he is being,... they feel that he does have feelings for me but theres underlying insecurity....& have said its wrong mum,... to have to put up with this and are angry at his nasty sarcasm & insults,Of course, I know only I can make the decision what to do next... but god, im finding it impossible to think clearly... so many years building a life together....& now I just feel empty & confused. Ive come back this evening to dads, he is such a kind & lovely soul.. at 87 he is very much on the ball,.... and has also given me some advice... partly that he feels my husband has a jeckyl & hyde tendancy... im so grateful to be able to stay here, and also to you all for listening...I don't know the way forward,... but I know I have decisions to make....

Its a big step forward in that you're no longer enabling your husband by keeping quiet, lizzy. It may now be a turning point (ever the optimist!) Good luck: you must feel at least some of the weight is lifted now?