Live webchat with Miriam Stoppard 22 September 1-2pm

This is for Dr Miriam Stoppard:
There has been recent publicity about the lack of discipline our children are providing for their children. ie we provided a lot more discipline in our day!
Do you think this is because most mothers are now working and the day to day care is shared amongst a number of carers. Are the children confused as to who is in charge? Is everyone trying to be too careful with them as their time together is relatively short? And as grandparents, if we provide the discipline that we gave to our own children, will they still love us?!

With a 2 year old grandchild and doing quite a lot of childcare the question of discipline is coming up for me too so I second the question put above by Lizh....precisely what I need help with.

For Dr Miriam what in your view was so wrong with the traditional upbringing of discipline and standards in the home and society thast it needed to be rejected by todays childcare gurus. Everytime I mentioned something to my daughter about routines, bedtime , table manners, eating nutritionally and healthily I get the reply ' the book says you should do this or that'. I was once admonished by my daughter for giving my grandson a spoon of honey when he was about 14 months old ' the book' apparently said children cant have honey until they are three? I want her to act on her instincts as a mother rather than refrring to a book all the time - is this wrong?

We have a 5 yr old granddaughter whom I care for twice a week. We are pretty close. She has spent quite a lot of time with us over the years, although my hubby is usally at work when I collect her (twice a week from nursery school). The problem is that she has always been very wary of my husband, even as a 9 month old in terms of closeness and affection and I know he finds this difficult and hurtful. She talks a lot about him and is very excited when she knows he's coming home, but this is always short-lived and as time has goes on she can sometimes be quite spiteful toward him too. Although he's mostly put up with the situation his patience is now wearing thin and its especially difficult for him to know what to do to improve matters as I know that we would both like him to have a closer relationship with her and are at a loss to know where her behaviour has come from. He is an intelligent and thoughtful man who does not normally react impetuously toward her, but tries to deal quietly with the situation, but its clearly not working. Is this a common problem with girls and Grandfathers?

My daughter struggles getting my 17 month old grandson to eat. He's never been overly fond of meal times and it takes a good deal of patience to get food down him. If he's in the mood for eating (which isn't often) he'll just sit there and open his mouth for her to spoon feed him but doesn't participate himself. If he's not in the mood then she has to put all the items of food on to his highchair table and hope for the best that he might eat some of it, though he usually ends up throwing most of it on the floor. I know she gets very frustrated and worries that he's not getting enough nutrients, although he seems healthy enough and has put weight on since birth at a very steady 1-2lb per month. She gets fed up because she tries to cook him healthy home cooked food only to find that he won't eat any of it. He seems to be surviving on mainly toast, yoghurt and peas which is not a very balanced diet. Any ideas on how to make meal times a bit more fun would be welcome.

Ooh I do have a question which is to the Gransnet team really. Not sure how live webchats work. Unfortunately I'm at work on 22nd September and wondered if there is a summary of all the questions and answers to read after the live chat.

I'm a mum who sometimes feels stuck in the middle managing my son's relationship with two very different grandmothers and would love some advice on how to deal with this. My mum is very easygoing (but firm and good with discipline) and deals with my son (4) exactly as she did with me and my sister when we were young. This works brilliantly for all of us and the two of them have an amazing relationship.

With my MIL it's a little more tricky. She is very kind hearted and means well - but can be difficult (OH is the first to acknowledge this as are his siblings). I think although her heart is very much in the right place everything is about her and I've seen her using emotional blackmail and even a pouting bottom lip on my son when he was as young as 2. I don't want to hurt her feelings but I (we) don't think it's fair to behave like this

Any suggestions would be very welcome as we want our son to have a happy relationship with both his grannies

PS - am I allowed to follow my very first post up with another in quick succession? On the same topic of MIL...how do we stop her buying our son presents all the time? We have politely said that we don't want him to expect a gift on every visit and that birthday/Christmas is enough - perhaps with the occasional small treat. She is not well off at all so this makes it harder. When it does come to birthday etc - she wants to buy loads of stuff (which she can't afford). His other grandparents just buy him one thing (max value £20 often less) but it's always chosen very carefully and is without fail the most popular present of all but we don't seem to be able to get through to her that spending money really isn't necessary and we want her to keep what she has for essentials for herself

Many thanks

i have a large breast lump a fybodemia? spelling...it is quite painful but i have had it for at least fourteen years..maybe six before that...i am not allowed to have an aspiration and breast scan....without first having a mammogran. i won't have a mammogran any more as it is just too painful..i was at a teaching hospital for a good few years..then the Proffesor moved and the system was changed...and i was thrown out...my local hospital suggested it was removed...
all i want is an aspiration every two years and a breast scan...but they have said...i have to have a mammogram first! they will not do the others...your advice would be most welcome.

Miriam,
Do you have advice,comments for grandparents denied contact with their grandchildren.

Hello Miriam : a couple of questions.
My daughter's 8 week old son feeds almost every 2-3 hours during the day and only manages 3-4 hours sleep at night before waking for another feed. Is this normal for a baby of this age - poor Mum is exhausted, particularly when coping with a wakeful 17 month old as well. The baby is turning into a huge rolypoly -bw 7lbs and now a wopping 15.9lbs

What is your view on 'controlled' crying?

Miriam - my youngest grandchild is just six months old and oldest just over two, and the third is ten months old. We look after them for the day regularly. The six month old baby is usually on her own and the other two come together. I would welcome advice on nutrition and food suggestions. Both sets of parents are into baby led weaning so we can be a bit adventurous, but are there any types of food or vitamins, minerals etc that we should ensure they experience? Every time we get a book on catering for babies and toddlers, it is all about what to cook with them rather than what they need and benefit from, is there any reading material that would help? Many thanks. AnnB

Miriam - another one!
There is a question on 'What do Grans Think' this morning from Afar who has a big problem with her mother-in-law monopolising the baby. We have all put in our two-pennyworth but what advice would you, the professional, give to Afar?

This is such a small thing compared to the other problems people have highlighted but I am finding some of the changes in advice a bit odd. My little grandson, who is nearly 4 months, sleeps just under a blanket. He seems warm enough and is sleeping through the night nearly but I can't help feeling he is missing out on being snuggled and cosy. His cot looks so bare and uncomfortable with a quilt or something to burrow into. And sleeping at the bottom of the cot? Where did that come from!

And just generally - I had no idea it would be so hard to not say what I think all the time. But I am managing most of the time and the little man is thriving and happy and my daughter is loving being a mum, so I guess that is what matters.

My question dovetails with that of Iola, namely that our 21/2 year old grand-daughter lives in Canada, and we see her four times a year. On her last visit to us in July, she started saying 'Don't want Grandma' whenever I came into the room. I decided to deal with it by turning it into a game, and saying, whilst making a funny face, 'Don't want Tasha', at which she laughed and said again 'Don't want Grandma..' I realised that is not the result I want to achieve, and am now flummoxed as to how to deal with it, when I see her again in October. I know she is only a very little girl, and I am the reasonably empathetic adult (retired psychotherapist!), but it still hurts, as I naturally want to build a warm relationship with her, which my son and daughter-in-law are extremely keen to encourage. She doesn't do the same with my husband. There is a new, 5 month old baby sister, whom she runs to and puts her arms around, saying, with a very baleful look at me: 'She's my baby'.

Any help would be very much appreciated, Miriam, and greetings from Tarn et Garonne!

My question to Dr Miriam
My grandson is 4 1/2, cheerful, bright and delightful, he is a very heavy sleeper (as is his Mum) so although totally dry all day for last year and a half he still has a night nappy and is usually wet every morning .
His parents are relaxed and have not made any comments or pressure on him, he now is at school but settling well. When should this perhaps resolve and help needed?
Grandparents have not got involved either!
Many thanks for your thoughts.

A question to Miriam about how things change - or do they?
Bringing up my ch'n, born in the late 70s, your advice and attitudes matched the way I hoped to do things and it was important to me that you were going through it all yourself with your boys. I recently found a copy of your childcare book written at that time and still love the practical advice and the acceptance that there is not an easy answer for everything! It all still sounds so very sensible. What would you say or do differently today? PS Have given the book to my daughter who wishes she'd had it when her first was born! Thank you from us both.

I would love to ask Dr Miriam about night terrors and how to deal with them. Is it best to wake the child up when they are distressed then comfort them or should we try to calm them down while still asleep? Thank you

My daughter is exhausted - her 16 month old son wakes continually during the night - usually just for a drink or a cuddle - but he never seems to when he stays over at my house or his other granny's. She's taking it personally! We've suggested too hot, too cold, too light etc but nothing she does seems to make any difference. Incidently, she was just the same until she was around 2, but as she never stayed over with anyone else, we didn't have the comparison to make. Any ideas?

So much seems to have changed since my own children were small. Things my daughter has been told to do seem to be the absolute opposite of what we all did in our day. I'd rather like to make sure I'm up to date on things so I don't spend my life driving her mad by saying "we didn't do it like that". Other than putting babies to sleep on their backs what are the main things that have changed over the last 30 years?

Dr Miriam how do you stand on giving a baby drinks of water, my DIL would not give her last child water as she said that it was not needed now as the formula had everything a baby needed, when my childern were babys, I always gave a little water?