i'm banned from visiting my DiL house !

I've read this and am horrified at what you are going through. It seems the rejection is all against your side of the family, not just you personally. Obviously your DiL has developed some sort of prejudice about your son's. ie her husband's side of the family, and you son has decided not to rock the boat at home. It is my own experience that guilt can lead to dislike, so instead of wondering what you have done, give some thought to what she might have done to feel guilty about. Perhaps it really was her daughter's pregnancy, but I can't see that it would be - it would have to be something she's done to you personally.

The only other thing I can suggest, though I'm sure you've gone through this already, is to find someone who knows you all, who could give you some insight.

In about 4 or 5 years the twins will be old enough to come and see you on their own, so the situation won't last for ever.

I do hope that things will soon improve, and I'm sorry I couldn't help.

Hugs from

Joan
XX

Maybe not at all relevant, but did you in any way include the daughter's new baby - a token present when it arrived? If your DiL was looking for reasons to say that you were judgmental she may have interpreted the lack of a gift as disapproval. Find it odd that, if she really was cutting ties with you, that her daughter and new baby were brought to visit you. Even if she was stressed by the pregnancy, I feel she should be over it by now and I'd be disappointed that your son hasn't tried harder to bridge the gap. You have kept communication open by visiting your gs's in difficult circumstances so you mustn't blame yourself at all.

Oh, why don't they work on a law giving grandparents proper, laid down, rights.

So sorry to hear of your awful situation busilizzie. I just can't think of anything else you can do. Keep visiting as you are now and ignore the "grownups". Be strong. x

I am so sorry to hear this sad tale and wouldnt presume to offer advice only sympathy. Are their any agencies that offer mediation for troubled families? That might help if DIL would agree to it.

Things do change over time. My husbands son has only just got back in touch after not speaking to his father for twenty years. he has a nice partner and a baby now and we all get along firn. in true British male tradtion neither my husband or my step son talk about this and we just pretend nothing has happened!

I do hope things get better for you soon. Best wishes

susiecb, why would you be "presuming" if you give advice. Busilizzie did say "can anyone give me any ideas as to what to do".

I can empathise with you Busilizzie. I was in a similar situation until last year, where my daughter had just totally withdrawn from me for the previous 7 years. I know and completely understand the raw grief that you're feeling, because you'll be at a loss to understand how your son could treat you this way, too. I had kept trying to make contact with my daughter by phone and letter, even though she lived just around the corner, but to no avail. She allowed my granddaughters to visit, and I tentatively used to ask if their mum was ok, but didn't request any details of her life. I just had to wait. Eventually, my great-grandson was born, and as my granddaughter was still living at home with my daughter, I was allowed to visit. It just went from there. You feel so alone when these sort of things happen, because it seems as if no-one else can possibly understand. I know of at least 2 of my friends that have suffered in this way, though. Being able to talk about it amongst your pals here may help a little. Good luck, and hopefully things will resolve themselves before too long.

busilizzie; I really don't know what to say other than what you've written is so sad. Maybe time will heal in some way, but it doesn't help the way you must feel now. It does seem to be something to do with your son's step daughter, doesn't it, but surely people in complicated 'step' relationships realise that there is always more of a closeness to our own families. Can't help that; we love our children more than anything in the world and, when they arrive we love our grandchildren as much. I do hope that sharing this with people who understand how hurt you may take a little of the pain away.

I'm saying I wouldnt presume because I dont think my advice would be helpful my empathy is usually better. No-one ever listens to me anyway esp not my family. My daughters are supremely unecumbered by anything I offer in the way of advice

Just re read what you wrote previously, susiecb, and I suddenly thought of things that have happened in my family over the past few years. For some reason, when a child is born it seems to be a catalyst for changes of different kinds. Old feuds can be forgotten, and new ones emerge..even relationships can end. Especially when it comes to the extended families that we have these days. Years ago when I used to hitch and/or give lifts to people [it was safe to do so, then] I gave a lift to someone who was visiting his estranged father because he'd just had a child of his own and wanted to build bridges with his dad. I'd actually forgotten about this until today.

I am sorry i can not give you any advice but thought would just sy I know the heartache you are going through. I have two granchildren, little girl of 2 and a little boy of 7 months. I adore them but i too am banned from going to my daughters house by her boyfriend, but like you my daughter does not challenge his decision. I use to have a good relationship with both my daughter and her boyfriend but it started to change when she was pregnant and then got worse when she had her duaghter. I was only allowed to see her at alloted times but his family could go when they liked and when she had her son i didnt see him for 3 days and even then if my other daughter hadnt stepped in i wouldnt have seen him then. I have not seen my grandaughter on her birthdays or even a picture. I have been accused of saying that her boyfriend was not a good dad, that is a lie, also that i said his parents could p* off that is a lie, but what hurts tthe most is that my daughter doesnt stick up for me. \i\ know the pain you feel and my friends all have granchildren and take them out and look after them but i am missing out. My daughter has let it go so far that there is no way back without losing face. I know you feel its just you but its not. We are missing so much and you cannot get that time back, as i said i cant help but i hope by sharing with you it is a comfort. I hope eventually you get it sorted, but take what you can when you can. It has helped me to share I hope it has you x

Oh Busilizzie what a terrible state of affairs and judging by other comments not all that unusual. Obviously something sparked off this state of affairs even if you can't think what it is or what happended. Talking to each other on a one to one may not work, it could just end up with both sides hurling abuse and slights to each other. Maybe your DIL feels she can't tell you exactly what has caused her animosity towards you. What about finding a mediator - someone who hasn't a vested interest in either of you - a truly nuetral person. It could be a therapist or someone of that ilk. Your son and other family members would not work as either party could feel they are taking sides. I do hope something works out for you - I couldn't imagine not being able to see my son and his family as I love them all so much.
I know there have been times when I've trodden on a few toes, luckily as a family we have always felt able to express our feelings and I was able to apologise and all is forgiven. My DIL's family are constantly upsetting each other but would rather grumble to each other then having it out - the result being a lot ill-feeling. Good Luck, we'd love to hear how you are getting on.

My opinion for what its worth is your son knows exactly what is going on. He is enabling his wife to treat you this way, most probably because there is not much else he can do. He is what is called an Enabler.
She would feel that she is perfectly in the right. I suggest that you go on as you are doing. You are braver than me, I believe, to go to their house and be treated this way, even if its only for 15 minutes or so. At least you are seeing your grandchildren and you are doing the right thing to keep in touch with them. Your grandsons wont forget how you were treated. I suspect in the future she will most probably treat them or their future wives in exactly the same way. In a few more years your grandsons will independently be able to visit you and I am sure they will also want to spend time with their cousins and other relatives. Things will change!

The thing with people such as these is they treat most people with the contempt that they feel in their minds that others deserve. If you have ever lived with someone that has a personality disorder this is exactly the way they are. They will blame and lie and have no conscience. As far as she is concerned you and everyone else she has eliminated from her life are to blame and she has had enough. Normal people do not treat others in this way and she is not a nice person.

I don't believe mediation will work. One thing you do have is your daughter and her two boys and other relatives so you are not alone. They are also being snubbed and maybe its not as hard for them but it does suggest that your dil does not care at all how she treats people. It is a sad situation but all we can do in life is our best and I believe that you are.