My daughter's boyfriend has been hurting her and I'm so worried about it.

When one of my daughters (aged 24) left her boyfriend of three years she moved in with me. The exboyfriend would phone her and message her many times, every night. My daughter had told me she didn't want to waste the three years she had spent with this gambling, selfish, lazy, deceitful boyfriend. I told her that she would waste the rest of her life if she stayed with him.

One night we were watching television and she started to cry, he had been messaging her saying he had made the biggest mistake of his life. It was on the tip of my tongue to tell her to go back with him, but instead I quietly got up and walked out of the room. Much later she told me if I had have said go back with him she would have. Luckily she met her future husband within six months and six years later is happily married with two gorgeous children.

Carol123 I am not sure that I had any more sway with my daughter than any other parent, but we have always been able to discuss most things. I could not stand the thought of my daughter with a violent man and would have to say my piece.

carol123, this is the standard cycle of abuse well known to domestic violence professionals, such as women's shelter organisations. You will be able to pick up a pamphlet showing this cycle from any such place. It is a cycle of abuse, remorse, 'honeymoon' period, and then back to abuse.

At least she isn't hiding it from you, which is a good thing, and she often breaks off the relationship, also a good thing.

It never ends - never. These are men who have never grown up, and still have the equivalent of toddler tantrums, and you have as much chance of reasoning with them as you have with a toddler.

I do hope she stays away from him.

Here is a link

www.police.qld.gov.au/programs/cscp/dv/cycle.htm

No matter what he says he will not improve. Abusers are always abusers and over the years it just gets worse. Your daughter has to protect her self esteem. Abusers chip away at it until you feel you can't leave because you couldn't cope on your own.

Ideally your daughter would break with him but if that's not how it happens you have to let her know that she can come back to you at any time. That she will always be welome and no matter how many times she comes to you then goes back to him you will always be there for her.

Remember after two years he will already be inside her head. You have to try to make sure she always places the blame with him and doesn't start to blame herself.

I'm sorry this is happening. I wish I could give better advice but she will only leave him when she is ready to leave and (as in my case) that could take a long time.

Let him know you are aware of the situation and be in her life as much as possible,call in unexpectedly,be as large in her life as possible,but suggest she keeps valuables,passport,bank books,paperwork and clothes at your house,if possible keep a log of incidents and if she will let you photo the bruises etc,but do not pressure her to leave,she will only do that when she is ready,do not call him names and make a victim of him,she will defend him,if she becomes pregnant the abuse will worsen,please do not let him isolate her from you and her family....this is domestic violence,please make sure that she has the number of the local domestic violence police department....2 women a week die as a result of domestic violence the most dangerous time is when they are planning to leave,and after they have left...read as much as you can about it and be aware....this is not going to be an easy situation for you,and as a mother who has lived through the situation you describe,my daughter became one of those statistics.....love nelliexxxxxxx

Useful information on this site Carol123. www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/ I was in a similar position to you many years ago and it was horrible and very, very worrying. I would suggest you sit down with your daughter and frankly share your concerns with her. Keep an open door and try not to blame her if she makes decisions you don't approve of.

All the above is true and good advice. It never ceases to amaze me that women will stand for this sort of abuse, but it happens all the time. Keep links open, try to boost her self-esteem because he will try to make her seem worthless. Yes, let him know you and all her family are in her corner. Do you have a man in th family who can make his presence felt?

The best aspect of this horrible situation is that she has talked to you about it. So you must have a strong relationship with your daughter. This is your strongest weapon.

Ask her if she is thinking of going to the police, because his behaviour is an illegal assault. She probably won't - but you will have planted the idea -
When in this situation it is natural to think "he hit me" - very personal By reframing it as a crime it may help her to think of it differently.
Also - many of us in this situation get scared and weepy. Anger that he has behaved like this is, is more appropriate so saying " you must be furious with him that he's did this to you" might help her realise that.

Excellent advice from everyone. Domestic violence doesn't stop on its own, it gets stopped by police, doctors in A and E, partners leaving, family stepping in to protect, but not by the perpetrator. Tht was set in stone as soon as he got away with it the first time. It will escalate and she will leave in an ambulance. He will be sorry, but has he been sorry enough to walk in to the GP's or the police station to ask for specialist help? If the answer is 'no' there is really no future or them as a couple.

This person is never going to change! it doesnt matter how many times he is sorry etc it will always! be the same! my daughter spent 7 yrs with a person ( I have other names for him but will refrain) she brok away from him last year but like OP says he is inside her head the damage had been done and destroyed my lovely bubbly daughter! .... your daughter needs to try and stay away from this person,, but at the end of the day we can't force them and we all know how persausive they can be!!!

Carol123 - There are very good suggestions and advice from all here, and I have little to add, except to say that as you grew up in a violent home, (as did I), you are particularly aware of the escalation that can (and most likely will) happen if your daughter is unable to seek advice and to stop it now.
I wish you and your daughter all the very best. x

I can only agree with what has already been said. Abusers are usually cowards - do you have a man in the family who would be willing to let this man know that his behaviour is known and will not be tolerated? I'm not suggesting threatening him - just quietly letting him know that others are aware of his actions.

I truly hope she doesn't go back to him - perhaps she could read the replies on here. She needs to believe that she deserves better and as long as she has him in her life she won't achieve that.

carol this man is not going to change,we went through this with DD and her now X husband,she lived with him priior to the marriage and he slowly wore her down and slowly removed her friends from her life so she was relient on him,this went on when her father and I lived abroad and she kept it to herself as she was so frightened of him,he was always Mr Good Guy when we where around but he let his cover slip when I caught him threatening her,she walked away from her marriage and is now back to her normal self,he continued to follow her and text her until her brothers had a "quiet" word and told him it would not be tolerated by the family they even make sure they are at her home now when he collects the children so he has no chance to speak to her.Get your DD away from this man he will never change.

Oh, how I agree with all those who have written to you: I was myself in an abusive marriage in my young days: it took me a long time to get free. I was not lucky enough to have parents in whom I could confide, and he had driven away my friends. When I did finally tell my parents - after I had left him - they were shocked and distressed, but within days my mother was trying me to go back to him as divorce was such a scandal! Stick by your daughter - it does help if you have a male relative - or friend - who can lean on this pig. And no, they don't ever change!
My very best wishes to you and your daughter. Please let us know via Gransnet what happens.

carol this must be a very distressing situation for you and I hope you can support your daughter to believe in herself that she does not deserve to be treated like this.
However I would also like to support whenim's suggestion of getting professional help for her boyfriend.
If he doesn't get it, even if your daughter has nothing more to do with him, he will just find someone else to abuse and another life will be ruined.
If he does have help, he may be able to change and much misery will have been prevented.
The crucial thing would be that he would have to recognise the problem and want to do something about it himself.

Carol you must be really worried but try to stay strong, she will need you.

Lots of good advice here especially to give her lots of information eg leaflets and phone numbers.

Most domestic violence victims only report/call the police after over 30 incidents. The ones I help at court come back so often they are almost like old friends. Quite often they want to withdraw their statement because 'it wasn't his fault, I upset him!' Luckily, the CPS are now reluctant to allow them to withdraw and continue with the case if at all possible.

Oh dear, I would just want to punch his lights out, so I won't comment.

I feel for you carol. .

With you all the way POGS - if anyone abused one of my 3 DDs I would be hard put to it to control myself. Thank goodness carol123 that you DD has you around and that she has told you what has been going on; but it must all be so worrying for you.

Me too pogs if only........

She talked to him about it and he fobbed her off by saying he couldnt afford it as its too expensive - hes always been a liar throughout the relationship - but shes only just told me about the violence. I dont even think shes told me half of what went on really yet.
They are apart at the moment but the longest shes ever stayed away from him is 2 weeks so I dont hold out much hope.

He told her counselling was too expensive and he couldnt help having a bad temper I meant to say. I truely feel like hurting him as hes hurt my girl which is not like me to feel violent at all.
I have looked at all the websites now and learned a lot about this that I didnt know before so at least I feel prepared for the next episode if it happens. Her personality is changing - she seemed very worried about getting his breakfast cooked perfect the last time he stayed here which is not like her at all - usually it will just do or he could do it himself if u know what I mean.
Thanks to you all for your support in this and your kind words. Carol x

carol123 - I am pleased you have become more informed about domestic violence, but very sad that you have had to do so. It's terrible to endure and terrible to sit on the sidelines, but your daughter has made a big step in talking about it, as I've mentioned before.
Continue to gather as much info. as you can, as this will give you the insight you need to continue in the strength and support you offer to your daughter.

carol123 your poor DD being worried about getting his breakfast right,he must be very controlling towards her and if she is still in education as you mentioned this lifestyle will not do her career prospects any good at all she must move away from it asap.I would personally not have him staying in my house even if they try to make a go of it again and I would let him know why.keep strong best wishes.

Any news, Carol?