To use the vernacular, OMG, a lightbulb moment!

You are out of it - thank goodness! This sort of abuse creeps up on people and they do not realise that it is happening. Sickening.

What makes a person like that? Was his father like that, Pheonix? I bet you're so glad to be free...

It was a very odd feeling, during the conversation with Mr P. We were discussing the programme and it was only when I was saying some of the things that exdh did, and Mr P sort of raised his eyebrows and smiled, that it finally dawned on me!

I have always described exdh as a control freak, but had never really thought of it as abuse, although as mentioned in the Archers, it is only quite recently that the law and definition has changed.

I spent a year on my own between leaving ex and meeting Mr P, and it would be hard to find two more different chaps! Although having said that, I quite fancy letting my hair grow, but himself makes the occasional remark about hairdresser appointments!

Mollie bit of an awkward question re his father. I only met him a couple of times. He was Czech, and got out during the war, ended up diagnosed with severe mental health problems and was in a special unit.

Well done on escaping Phoenix! It's insidious isn't it. The Idiot was like it too and it was such a relief when dd spotted it. The Idiot certainly inherited his bullying tendencies from his father.

D's estranged H is the same. they've been apart nearly 2 yrs but in many ways he's still trying to control her in several ways. Fortunately she sees him for what he is and actually"plays" him

Woops slight Freudian slip on the word "control" there

My DH had a very unhappy first marriage and was the 'injured' party when it finally broke.
Four years ago he took a public role that required training, including recognising domestic abuse. he too had that lightbulb moment and it opened so many conversations between us. He was very put down, very criticised, worked all the hours god sent, but she had the purse strings and spent it all, including emptying their joint bank account of 1,000s just before the marriage ended.

But it was the erosive criticism that was most damaging. When we first met he kept apologising unnecessarily for - in my words - 'simply breathing'.

It is important tat people recognise that this is not just a male to female problem. When men suffer abuse, I think they also suffer a sense of shame because they think they should be 'strong' and manage the relationship more.

I am glad to say that after 6 great years together, my DH has stopped apologising. It took a long time.