Husband and porn

loopy take a deep breath

I'm sorry this had happened. I think you should ask your husband about it.Bring it out into the open. It is not uncommon not that I am condoning it.Hugs x

i know you are shocked but it is not as bad as it could be. There is no child porn so thats good. He is only looking and remember it is so easy to find this stuff on the net, he may just have had a little peek but then another and another then it became a habit. Dont say a word until you can talk to him about it calmly.

just take time to process this find. No doubt he will be horrified when you tell him what you have found. It may feel like the end of the world but its not, it may not be good but dont panic. We are all here for you.

If he hasn't deleted his surfing history he clearly thinks there is nothing wrong in looking at porn so will probably not be phased when you mention it.

How very distressing for you. I am thinking of you.x

I have pm'd you. x

There's stuff about escorts and massages, rent boys, far beyond what I would call 'normal' porn. It's at all hours of the day and night. He's also looked up sex contacts in Lanzarote and hotels after telling me we couldn't afford a holiday it looks like he getting one planned out there. He's 'talking' to some girl on a sex blog.
harrigran he's so computer illiterate I don't think he knows how to delete history. He only ever uses google and outlook emails.

I've asked him. He says it's all my fault.

It is not your fault.Leave it for now and talk to him about it tomorrow
Hope you manage to get some sleep.x

I don't want to sound flippant or trivialize this as it's obviously upsetting you.
At least he's just looking, he's not having an affair. I too have been married over forty years and I know H has looked at porn and he knows I'm aware, It doesn't mean he loves me any less. He's always been the most kind loving, gentle man I know. I have always trusted him 100% and find it slightly amusing. The way I look at it, it's just a man thing.

I'm wondering if this could just have been curiosity, a bit of nosiness that got beyond what was intended. Though granted, talking to a girl on a sex blog needs some explaining.

Perhaps in embarrassment at being found out he has tried to be defensive with his comment that it's your fault.... shaking the blame from himself.

At present you are feeling sick and upset, probably feeling that you don't even know this man.... that'll be the understandable shock.
I hope all calms down and you're both able to discuss it.
My heart goes out to you and I hope your husband can talk about this with you and how or why it has come about.

Oh Loopy what a horrid shock, you must be shaking from head to toe, not only have you found out something pretty seedy about your husband, but he's suddenly not the man you thought you were married to for 40 years and he has betrayed you badly

Ninathenana I think you are trivialising it , to start with it's not just looking at a few undressed girls is it? from Loopies second post there is a lot more to it than a quick sneak at a bit of porn which of course can be accepted especially if the person is upfront about it but this is much deeper stuff ..rent boys, sex escorts, sex chats with a particular girl, looking up sexual contacts for a possible holiday this is NOT just a flippant peek or an computer accident ...it's pretty serious stuff and to me would be as big a betrayal as an affair

Loopy it's now Monday morning I doubt if you ve slept at all I think this will take a lot of thought and working through because although there is not one particular woman ( that you know of at the moment) it is a huge betrayal He will be very defensive, may not want to discuss it, may reflect it back to you and continue saying it's your fault .... I think you are going to have to go through the whole gambit that you would if it was a physical affair and only then will you know if it's something you can get over, the feeling that you have a loving mate has been shattered and has changed for ever only time can tell if it's something you can get over and get past

I think the next few weeks will be turbulent and I wish you lots of luck and I hope you've got someone to talk to, a good girlfriend NOT a famly member My heart goes out to you

It is NOT your fault. He is defending himself by attacking you. Do not let him make you feel inadequate in any way. Hold your head up high and discuss this with him with your self-respect and confidence intact. Be clear with him what your view is of porn and why, and how this makes you feel about your relationship. xx

I would be horrified, thinking do I know this man, the relationship would change. It is not your fault, how dare he put it on you. Good luck, take your time and think things through..be kind to yourself.

I have nothing to add, loopy just sending you support.

I think you need to talk to a professional e.g. GP or a Marriage Guidance Counsellor for advice on how to cope with this. Porn is said to be the most searched activity on the internet so professionals must see unfortunate wives like you all the time.

It's early days and you're obviously in turmoil so don't rush into decisions that will affect your emotional & financial well-being.

Blaming someone else is par for the course for men caught out like this, like those having affairs.

We've had similar threads in the past - I can't remember if any OPs ever update as to how things turned out.

Bluebelle your right of course, the other aspects of this didn't register when I read the op at midnight. It is more than a look at naked women.
loopy

No loopy, it's not your fault that your h thinks that women and girls are thing not people, that's his fault. Take a deep breath and be kind to yourself today, take some space to think about how you want to spend your future.

I don't see the problem with porn as long as the people involved have joined in voluntarily and been well paid. I'm sure it came as a shock to you but try not to over react.

What does he have to say about it?

Sorry didnt' mean over react. That was thoughtless. You're obviously very upset about it.

I meant don't do anything whilst you're so upset. Give yourself time to calm do before you make any decisions.

When someone watches porn they have no idea (and probably do not care) whether "the people involved have joined in voluntarily and been well paid" - it is far more likely that that they are being exploited, especially the women.

My husband of 40 years looks at porn when he thinks I'm not looking. I think most men do, I don't have an issue with it, provided he isn't spending money or too much time on it... I think I'd be concerned about him "chatting" on Porn sites though - temptations once they are in contact are bound to be much greater!! Although I doubt anyone is going to be fighting for a boring bald paunchy man kept on a tight financial rein an in his 60's to meet up!! Except me that is! He's more spirit is willing but flesh is weak these days!!

So, he watches porn and is too thick to erase the search history to boot I'd be showing him the door.

Sorry that you have had this shock loopylou