Sex and relationships - expert Q&A with Trudy Hannington

Why did you call your documentary by that title ?

I'll break the ice with a question that comes up often in carers support groups:

a) What to do if the spouse/carer wants to have sex with their longterm partner, but the partner now lacks the capacity to consent?

b) What to do if the partner with Dementia is continually trying to instigate sex but the carer/partner cannot bring themselves to co-operate?

Interesting that more people have responded to the questionnaire on sleep problems!!

or cauliflower cheese, always popular. Old people shouldn't be messing about with sex anyway.

Speaking to my closest old friends, all in their 70's, it seems that the general consensus is that they are glad that this aspect of their life/relationship has dwindled away. The only dissenters are a youngish widow, and one whose DH is no longer capable.

Yup, a good night's sleep is far more important!

Partner and I have been together 25 years. Both early 60s. He had prostate cancer treated with hormones and radiotherapy so sex was not then possible. Since treatment ended we have managed intercourse twice though not very satisfactorily for either of us. For the last few months neither of us has raised the subject or apparently had the urge - I definitely haven't. He's retired early and the combination of us being together a lot more and little intimacy is causing us to drift apart. I suffer from vaginal dryness and he was using Viagra even before the cancer. How do we restore things? Clearly we need to talk but I'm quite happy without sex though I do miss the closeness we once had. A trip to GP? (Have name changed in case anyone wonders who this new person is)

If intercourse not possible, there are other ways. Oral sex, hands, toys etc. You can still be intimate and have a satisfying sex life too.

Lily65 are you serious, if so why should older people not be messing about? with sex

Oh dear am beginning to fear even obvious humour does not work on here anymore. Am sure There are plenty of 'older/mature etc' folks having a full and enjoyable time....it was just very noticeable that more people on GN seemed to be interested in Sleep problems...or Cauliflower cheese.

Hilda

I have had bladder and prostate cancer had radiotherapy for prostate 5years ago and am all clear but sex not good nhs have been fantastic with different treatments without success have one more to try and if no success we have decided to not have any more when I tell nhs I am 80 yrs old they say no problem .plus I had heart valve replacement 6months after radiotherapy my wife is fantastic about it all she says we have had a good sex life had 2 daughters,4grandchildren 3great grandchildren plu 1 more later this year .

Deleted at the request of OP

Lots of material here for FB and the Daily Mail!

I bloody hope not!

Tracker, I'm sorry to hear of your health problems, but glad to hear your dw (dear wife) is so loving and reasonable about the lack of sex,

Imo, there are other ways to be "intimate," people, if sex is off the table. Shared experiences, shared viewpoints, the joys of our dd and gc, etc. - so much more makes me feel intimate with dh than just the physical

Does anyone really want to discuss their sex life on a forum which is open to the public - even under a new username? Can you imagine the field day the DM would have about grannies sex lives!

sex, is that not what coal used to come in?
But seriously I am very happy if 'older' folks have full and frank physical intimacy but as we age there are more ways that we can get out of step with each other due to changes in health and other bodily limitations.
I think there is just as much real closeness to be had from a mutual understanding of each others feelings and wishes. When I know that OH really 'gets' me and how I feel about something I really feel close to him and vice versa.

My question is this. We are both in our mid 60s and happy in our relationship but our sex life is dwindling greatly. When it happens we both enjoy it. I think we would both like it to happen a bit more. But life, tiredness, family stress gets in the way. Do you have any suggestions? We are not ready to give up

I agree with Oldwoman70.

Hello Trudy. I am in my mid 50s and my husband is ten years older. I really enjoy sex but increasingly he is becoming less interested. Our relationship is good aside from this and I don't want this to damage it. But what can we do when one wants it and one doesn't? One of us is going to end up frustrated or pressurised which is not good.

Since my husband had surgery on his back last year he has found it difficult to have sex. Wea re both keen but it just doesn't seem to be happening for him and maybe the more we are worrying about this, the less likely it is to improve. The doctor says there is no reason why we can't resume our sex life so there is no medical problem. We have thought about Viagra but were nervous about it. Can you put our minds at rest? Thank you

We been married for 17 yrs all in our late 60s. DH was diagnosed with heart problems 13 years ago and told by the doctor he will die if he have sex, we have not had sex since. I am very unhappy. Any advice?