Ok this I can advise on. My mother-in-law died last summer at 104yrs and 5 days of age, of those years she hated me for 42 of them. I don’t take offence easily and cut people slack whenever possible but with her nothing worked. She hated me for caring about a son she despised and hated all his life. She was a bitch of the first order. To visitors, hers or ours she was oh so lovely, when they left she would issue a diatribe on their flaws. Even make up stories I knew were not true at all, cruel is too mild a word for her.
Initially I tried to engage her in our lives but she just got nastier and it spilled over and others saw it. A couple of years into the relationship I decided enough was enough if she said something scathing about me or anyone else I would say oh do shut up but I wanted her to know it had to stop. I told her very quietly and calmly that she either kept her nasty vitriolic opinions to herself around me or else she would not be invited back, she told me she could do as she liked and I told her that was fine but she wouldn’t do it in my house and so she had a choice. She tested me a few times but I would give her a look or if necessary a reminder that her attitude didn’t wash with me. I was rude on rare occasions when she really did go too far but we toddled along like that for years.
When she became older frailer we had her live with us, my mother told me it would make me ill dealing with that vile tongue. After 15 years we put her in an expensive home that took all her pension money plus some from us and all her visitors stopped coming.
Two months later I was diagnosed with cancer.
Power of money was her tool. I didn’t want her money so she had no power over me, which is why she hated me as I couldn’t and wouldn’t be cowed. You have to figure out what she believes her power to be. Is it to get rid of any woman who makes him happy or just cause mischief in general. Take away her power and talk to your husband.
I had two presents in all those years one free bar towels that came with her champagne order, I never got the champagne just the towels and a scarf someone gave her she didn’t want. As I knew the person I wore the scarf.
Some people are just nasty and I believe life is too damn short to put up with such nonsense so don’t.
I don’t know your husbands relationship with his mother. My husbands was one of hate wrapped in duty, tricky thing to deal with. She was brutal to him as a child and he felt guilty for hating her. Go figure. However, I still had to tread carefully.
You know him so pick your moment but tell him if she is to come into your home she has to behave herself. Decide who is to tell her. If it’s him that’s good if it’s you he has to back you up. Explain to her that you aren’t cutting her out of your lives but she has to behave if she wants to be part of them. Say it get, it over with and see how it goes. I chose to deal with my MIL myself I wasn’t a strong person initially, I was quite young and my husband is older but I felt strongly that her issue was with me so I would deal with it.
As for presents who wants them when they aren’t given with love. Don’t fret the little things just deal with the main issue. I always gave her super presents reacting opposite to what she expected, always threw her.
Best of luck