Setting guidelines for living with my adult daughter and grandson

David, did you have children to look after and a home to look after, or did your partner care for the children, house, meal, washing and ironing etc? My husband also used to do 12 hours shifts, but did nothing at home, I didn't expect him to.

I worked 12 hour shifts for years - and I did four per week, not three. Once the shifts are done , you daughter has four entire days off . If she can't be bothered to clean up after herself I'd be having a serious talk with her. Shape up or ship out !

Guys I have 5 children, work, study and keep a clean house all with fibromyalgia. That doesn't mean OPs daughter should automatically be wonderwoman or even care about having a perfect living space.

OP? Where are you?

Four 'days off' with a two year old is not spare time. Yes, some people are naturally tidy, clean etc, but some, like Davidhs says, just aren't able to do that. Perhaps the 'worthless' dad (seems that's okay!) could contribute to having a cleaner? If not, get a cleaner for your whole house as a gift to both of you. Try to be kinder to each other.

Sinika, I'm in exactly your position, except my daughter doesn't work AND we share the space, because UK houses, mostly, don't have basements, although I am thinking about having a loft extension so I can get away from 'family matters'.

The difference is, I work 4 X 12 hour days, plus one half day and I'm 54 years old.

I don't cook or do laundry on those days but I do help clean up after my grandson goes to bed, even though NONE of the mess / kitchen duties are made by me.

If my house (and it is MINE, she owns an apartment she rents out, because it's too small for her and grandson) is trashed, I create holy hell. I understand it gets messy. She's a slob, grandson makes a mess too. BUT it needs cleaning up daily. I won't accept less.

I more or less ignore her bedroom. It's her personal space. But I do complain if my grandson's room is a mess for more than a couple of days. And common areas (kitchen, living room, dining area, hall, stairs) are to be tidied daily.

It is a balance between what I want, what is reasonable and what I can tolerate.

I MISS the days when my house was a spotless oasis of tranquility. I came home from work and destressed. Now I come home and cuddle my grandson. Give him a bath. Put him to bed. Go down (at 9pm, after a 5am start) and help tidy/clean. BUT he won't be tiny for long and I want to enjoy this time. So I'm tolerating this situation. It's all a compromise.

Let her keep her living space as she wants. Don't clean up after her. If she wants her area clean, she'll do it if no one else does