It is heartbreaking. Only if you are in this place can you know how it feels.
My son has been in and out of my life since he preferred to live with his dad rather than with me when we split.
I eventually gave up trying to dispel any negative things said about me. I did make mistakes (don't we all?) and accepting I made mistakes helped me see that I cannot control everything that happens regarding my children. I shouldered that entire responsibility for far too long.
My son's father died last year and we both made an effort to restore our relationship but it still hasn't really worked out.
The death of your daughter (and his sister) must have had a devastating impact on you both. My son lost his cousin too and I didn't handle it well. I didn't really see how deep an impact on my son because I was so caught up in my own stuff around that time.
Sometimes we have to accept that deep woulds need deep healing, and sometimes there just isn't the strength to do it.
I can only offer my own words. I have my path and my son and his family have theirs. Sometimes for reasons we can't fathom, we have to go our own ways. Once I realised this I had peace.
I still contact my son, and never give up on the hope we can be a family again- but meantime I have to accept it is no longer my battle to fight.
I am no longer in pain because I was inflicting it on myself. I hope you get some peace too.
