Fallen out with Mum - what to do?

Your situation is very unusual, just look at the number of posts where people rarely hear from their offspring. I would really leave things be if I were in your shoes. You have tried and for whatever reason you mum doesn't want a closer relationship with you. You are OK with things as they are with your sister so maybe just send her a text with get well wishes, if you feel that is appropriate. I would imagine that there's a lifetime of issues behind your current situation. I would say though that many Grans would be only too grateful to get an invite to stay and regular gifts and phone calls from their adult children. If your mum doesn't appreciate what your are trying to do then so be it, there's only so much you can do.

Whatever your relationship with your mum, I do think in your position I would contact my sister to find out how ill she is and offer my sympathy. Even though you’re happy with infrequent contact, it sound like this is an exceptional situation. You won’t know whether she’s given your mum the full picture about her illness, and how much your mum is depending on her otherwise. A conversation with your sister will help you decide whether to increase or decrease your contact with your mum I think - and it’s a good thing to do anyway if you know she’s unwell.

You say you have not fallen out with your sister so, in your situation, I would definitely phone her.

With regard to your mother, she sounds very hard work. Does your sister have any thoughts about that? Perhaps a discussion between the two of you may give you some ideas.

Agree with Casdon

I've learned you can never change people. Sometimes you have to accept a situation as it is. It doesn't sound as if you and your mother will ever be close so, if you can accept that, then you can have a relationship, albeit a distant one. You are not responsible for the way other people behave. Just be polite, kind and stand your ground. With all my relatives I know who I trust implicitly, who I am guarded with, who I dislike, who I can trust and so on. Once you've worked it out, it makes life easier though it can be hurtful.

I'm not sure you've fallen out with your mum, as much as you seem to have a difficult relationship with her.
You seem to be saying that if anything happens to your sister your mum may turn to you, and you're not sure if you could deal with that, for understandable reasons.
It also sounds like, much as you have sympathy for your sister, you're not sure about her either?
In these situations your gut feelings are important. I would go with those.

I would wash my hands of both of them. Look to yourself, you sound as if you have done the right things over the years and you deserve more than this.
You mention your own mental health problems so you can certainly do without this selfish behaviour. Let that gap widen.
I know I sound hard, but I have severed contact with upsetting close family as it cannot be tolerated.
Put yourself first, it’s for the best.

Your sister and mother are not into you, sadly.

Has your sister communicated with you directly about her health emergency?
This triangulation is not healthy.
I am not sure if I would call my sister in this case.

Re:ppd. It is a super hard condition. What are you doing to manage it now and keep it under control?

How is affecting your life now?

Why do you chase your mother and sister for a relationship they clearly do not want?

I would drop the rope and let them miss you

Concentrate on yourself.

Daisymae

Your situation is very unusual, just look at the number of posts where people rarely hear from their offspring. I would really leave things be if I were in your shoes. You have tried and for whatever reason you mum doesn't want a closer relationship with you. You are OK with things as they are with your sister so maybe just send her a text with get well wishes, if you feel that is appropriate. I would imagine that there's a lifetime of issues behind your current situation. I would say though that many Grans would be only too grateful to get an invite to stay and regular gifts and phone calls from their adult children. If your mum doesn't appreciate what your are trying to do then so be it, there's only so much you can do.

You are right - there are other issues but I don't feel able to share them all.

I hear what you are saying but it just feels a bit like nothing is resolved - it will just hang there forever if I just walk away. I think that may be the way it has to be though.

Thank you for responding and for your kind words.

Casdon

Whatever your relationship with your mum, I do think in your position I would contact my sister to find out how ill she is and offer my sympathy. Even though you’re happy with infrequent contact, it sound like this is an exceptional situation. You won’t know whether she’s given your mum the full picture about her illness, and how much your mum is depending on her otherwise. A conversation with your sister will help you decide whether to increase or decrease your contact with your mum I think - and it’s a good thing to do anyway if you know she’s unwell.

I will contact my sister - just a bit awkward about leaving it so long. I'm not sure if my mother would have told my sister about our phone call. Hey ho. Best just get on with it.

thank you for responding.

Sunnyoutlook

Agree with Casdon

I will contact her - thank you

Skydancer

I've learned you can never change people. Sometimes you have to accept a situation as it is. It doesn't sound as if you and your mother will ever be close so, if you can accept that, then you can have a relationship, albeit a distant one. You are not responsible for the way other people behave. Just be polite, kind and stand your ground. With all my relatives I know who I trust implicitly, who I am guarded with, who I dislike, who I can trust and so on. Once you've worked it out, it makes life easier though it can be hurtful.

I think I'd already got to the stage of having that distanced relationship, to be honest. I had to reconcile it as a choice being made from both sides, in order to accept it.

I understand the evaluation of relatives - the saying 'you can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family' often rings true.

thank you for responding.

keepingquiet

I'm not sure you've fallen out with your mum, as much as you seem to have a difficult relationship with her.
You seem to be saying that if anything happens to your sister your mum may turn to you, and you're not sure if you could deal with that, for understandable reasons.
It also sounds like, much as you have sympathy for your sister, you're not sure about her either?
In these situations your gut feelings are important. I would go with those.

I need to work out what my gut feelings are first - that's not always easy...

thank you for responding

Sorry ooohsopink. I got as far as your first paragraph, and couldn’t read anymore. I would have stopped at the second time of her being grumpy on the phone to me.

I have zero understanding of why people put up with this, and therefore don’t feel qualified to give you advice.

I do hope you find peace with it all.

It is often very difficult. But there is only one questions you need to answer, if she died next week, would you regret not making a real effort to reconnect now?

Once they are gone, it is forever. One of my friends chose to cut all ties to her dad and never regretted it. Rare.

hollysteers

I would wash my hands of both of them. Look to yourself, you sound as if you have done the right things over the years and you deserve more than this.
You mention your own mental health problems so you can certainly do without this selfish behaviour. Let that gap widen.
I know I sound hard, but I have severed contact with upsetting close family as it cannot be tolerated.
Put yourself first, it’s for the best.

I agree but when it's your mum - the person who should be an important part of your life (or so I see from the relationships others have with their mothers) - that makes it difficult to let go, even at the stage it is now. I know I have to put myself first, but I find that difficult around such an emotive situation.

Really appreciate your insight - thankyou.

Hithere

Your sister and mother are not into you, sadly.

Has your sister communicated with you directly about her health emergency?
This triangulation is not healthy.
I am not sure if I would call my sister in this case.

Re:ppd. It is a super hard condition. What are you doing to manage it now and keep it under control?

How is affecting your life now?

Why do you chase your mother and sister for a relationship they clearly do not want?

I would drop the rope and let them miss you

Concentrate on yourself.

Nothing from sister at all - but I wouldn't expect it to be honest.

My depression has always been a part of my adult life so I have learned coping strategies and I am supported by my partner and friends - it does affect my life, but it is manageable now. There were times it was not, but I received help and things are better. I know the triggers and avoid where I can.

I don't chase a relationship with my sister at all - I haven't seen or spoken to her for years. I speak to my mother about once a month to check she is ok etc.

This situation with my mother feels a bit final and I am having trouble letting it go - I'll find a way.

Thank you for responding.

You might want to do an internet search for golden child, scapegoat, narcissist mother. It sounds like this situation fully fits that dysfunctional family dynamic. Good luck.