Have been blindsided by the fall out of this relationship

Sorry to read this - it may be better in the estrangement section? Sadly it’s something that has happened to many of us but I can see that it has been very difficult for you especially as a single parent working in the care sector. It must’ve been such a struggle for you bringing the four of them up . Now you must just feel the lack of appreciation. It’s so common sadly it has its own section on here ! I’m sure others will be along with good advice shortly but I just wanted you to realise you’re not alone . As Shakespeare wrote ‘How sharper than a serpent’s tooth it is have a thankless child ‘ so it must’ve been around since then ! . All you can do is make yourself available and make it clear you want to be involved as a parent and grandparent. Wishing you happier times ahead .

I feel for you.
Everything you say I understand, as do many others on here.
If you read any threads under 'Estrangement' (as soozikinzi
pointed out) you may find some support.
Thank you for thinking of those of us in the same situation, and take your own advice, and be kind to yourself also.
Take comfort in the fact that by your standards at least you have done your best.

Wish I could help more.

I feel for you too. It is the unkindest cut and it reeks of unfairness. Perhaps it’s something in the human condition that can reject goodness. Perhaps for many to become separate they have to turn away. I don’t know but I know that whenever I have felt it is the deepest cut of all. As you say it’s bootstrap time again. Lift your eyes to the trees take deep breath and carry on doing your best. In the caring profession you will already be helping many worse off than yourself pat yourself on your back and forgive your heartless child. I’m not surprised it is a son as his wife will dictate family life no doubt and he will go along with it thinking that is all he has to do to be emotionally successful. He won’t understand your needs and it sometimes seems the better job you did bringing them up the easier they will find it to walk away. So it’s kind of a flattery that they all have flown. But no it’s not fair. I think it’s always been common. Melanie Klein the early psychotherapist called it the ‘tragic destiny of motherhood’ the better you do it the worse it is. The only recourse she could think of was to have about ten, or accept it and neither you nor the planet could afford that!
Sad too that your husband strayed but many face that or worse. My daughter says I look at couples with an unrealistic romantic eye of what might have been and I know she is right. It would be far worse having to live with someone you didn’t really like or even loathe .. imagine!
So I’m afraid it is time to count your blessings again and readjust somehow as you have done before. I have a very distant weird relationship with my only grandchildren but I pretend it’s great and they pretend, and really how much did you think of your granny’s feelings when you were young? You just expected them to be there for you. It’s a one way trip. There’s that curious old saying that a good deed is never forgiven, (But it won’t be forgotten) I think we just have to keep acting up that everything is fine and they are great. And just hope they treat you as you really deserve, but I think that is quite rare

Hi Hetty can I suggest that you post on the estrangement forum, in particular the thread 'Support for those living with estrangement' where, as the title suggests you'll find other parents/GP's in the same situation.

As you say, anyone living with this is not alone and there is some comfort knowing that.

Your description of your children's childhoods mirrors the one our boys had. Happy times which they still talk about to one another, despite us being estranged from our youngest and only GC for approaching 9 years.

Take comfort and joy in the relationships you have with your other children. Nothing can replace the one we've lost but life goes on and we owe it to ourselves and those we love, who love us in return to live our lives to the full.

Yes, following on from what Smileless said. We had some experience of estrangement from one of our children for about 18 months, but resolved it. In that time....we left her to her own devices, and prayed time would heal. It did for us, but we also put our energies into our other three children. I’m thinking this maybe what you need. Could you look at visiting your children overseas? You could go for months at a time. Who knows...you could potentially end up emigrating yourself. My MIL did this. She couldn’t get on with us, or one of my husband’s brothers, so moved abroad for a while with her other two children. She needed to return for medical treatment on the NHS, but I’m sure....overall....she was happier for it.

You sound like you’ve done all you can, and that’s all any of us can do. You were dealt a rough hand with your husband leaving you. That has to have affected how you’ve done things, and I’m so sorry about that.

All you can do is carry on carrying on, but I would definitely look to either visiting abroad, or moving there permanently if you can. A new lease of life might be the making of you.

All the best?

Hi Hetty, I think what you feel is quite normal for most parents. We keep being shown on tv and the media all these very happy together families, but most of us have problems. As Smileless has said, the Estrangement thread might be the best for you as lots are in your position, except that a certain percentage of grown up children completely block you out of their lives, so no communication possible., that on a different level, you can communicate with yours although tricky at times. As far as them having a broken home for years, that too is almost commonplace, we all have to live with quite major challenges at times, but we get through it and have to let the past go. Yours are all in stable relationships and I’m afraid we go back quite a lot in the pecking order. You get busy raising a family and grandparent sometimes have to take a very back seat, really lower our expectations. When I look back I think how did I cope with juggling everything. You did a good job sending them all on their way in life so you did it right.