How to let go of my adult children

Daughter is looking to buy a house and I can’t help obsessing over where is the nearest shop, school, layout of the house etc etc. and stating this. I need to stop this but can’t.

From birth I welcomed every step my children took towards independence, from sitting up unaided, to feeding themselves, to not needing babysitters.

I am fortunate that both mine grew up very sensible adults, and a part from a few teenage incidents, I have never felt any need to interfere or give them Good Advice.

My motto has always been that the less you interfere and constantly try to be in your children's lives, the closer you stay. We are in contact weekly and all are on Facebook and we recently had a very happy week, all 7 of us sharing a cabin cruiser on the Norfolk Broads.

Our children do talk things over with us, about things where they respect our judgement, but all of us have busy lives, including DH and I, but we all know that we can turn to each other in a crisis.

This2willpass

Daughter is looking to buy a house and I can’t help obsessing over where is the nearest shop, school, layout of the house etc etc. and stating this. I need to stop this but can’t.

You really do have to stop This2willpass, it’s really not your business, and you’ll drive your children away if you keep interfering, which is how they will perceive what you’re doing. Imagine your own mother doing it to you and how you’d feel. Can you have your own project, perhaps to get your house exactly how you want it, or develop one of your hobbies further to take your mind off your children’s affairs?

OP

This post and your other one hoping your 1st gc will fix your anxiety is a huge red flag

Run to a therapist today.
Your obsession with your AC is not healthy and you know it.

Daughter is looking to buy a house and I can’t help obsessing over where is the nearest shop, school, layout of the house etc etc. and stating this. I need to stop this but can’t.

This is almost as though you're saying that your daughter is too stupid or unintelligent to think of these things for herself. Surely you raised her to be able to work out for herself what shops and schools she needs to be near? And if she's old enough to be buying a house, don't you think she'd have accumulated enough common sense to be able to know what the layout of that would need to be? Back off This2 and let them manage their own lives before they get fed up of being micro managed and distance themselves.

This2willpass

Daughter is looking to buy a house and I can’t help obsessing over where is the nearest shop, school, layout of the house etc etc. and stating this. I need to stop this but can’t.

Oh my, that isn’t healthy. You’re infantilising your daughter and sending a message that you don’t trust her judgement.

You need to channel your activities in another direction. I’m sure there would be voluntary services who could give you an outlet or a paid job, if it’s a possibility.

OP, that is excessive. you will drive them away if you continue. tty to give yourself a good talking to.
if she is old enough to buy a house, she must be old enough to read plans, consider location, facilities etc.
it's not you buying that house. tell yourself that.
if you really can't stop, have you considered counselling ?

OP

I am estranged from my parents because they could not back off and stop judging me, despite my telling them it was hurting our relationship

Decades of chances for them to change and acknowledge me as an able fully functioning adult did nothing

10 years of estrangement - still say "I just worry about you, my only issue is in love you too much, what did we do wrong that you dont talk to us? "

They do not and have never met my kids - they never will - I dont need their negative toxic influence damage their self esteem and body image

Please do not let this same outcome happen to you

Oh no, my AC are much younger than yours and I too have anxiety (which you mentiomed in your previous post).

If I messaged them every day they would probably answer but thats not healthy for them or me.

I don't belong in every aspect of their lives. I dont belong on their nights out, their nights in, their decisions, their relationships etc

As much as i would love to hear from them every day, they are adults and I shouldn't be on their minds or in their space every day.

You really need to seek help for your anxiety because eventually they will grow to resent their lack of privacy and your neediness.

Thanks for all your posts. I recognise that this isn’t what I should be doing. I don’t know where this has all come from. I think I do need some counselling before I ruin everything. It’s hard though.

Really difficult to expect Adult Children to call you every day. They probably have busy lives and need to make time for other people too. This could include their Partners Parents, other family members and friends. Give them some slack to live their own lives would be the best advice I can give.

AC will ask for advice if necessary - but most times it is not necessary! My AC manage their lives well and I wouldn't dream of offering ' advice' if I was asked for my thoughts on a situation I would do that - but it
does' nt happen!

OP

This is hard for you, for your kids, for your partner/ SO/ Dh, etc..

You (plural) see the effects of this

I can hear the sadness in your words.

Dont give up on yourself, often we have to fight for mental health help so fight for it, it will make life so much better for all of you

Urmstongran

‘Suggestions’ are just that. They will take them or not. My late mum gave me wise advice many years ago. “All you can be now is a safety net. They will drop in it if needed”.

Absolutely this! One of the hardest parts about being a parent is taking that step back and letting them fly - letting them make their own way, make their own mistakes etc, but remaining there for them as and when needed.

I keep sending my daughter houses that I think will be suitable for her and her partner. I just can’t stop it.

When she finds her house I worry where the bins will go, what sort of neighbours she will have, will she make friends etc etc.

This2willpass

When she finds her house I worry where the bins will go, what sort of neighbours she will have, will she make friends etc etc.

Try and put yourself in her place. How would you have felt if your mother had tried to micromanage your life in that way? She is a grown woman and she can figure out these things for herself.

My DC are 31 28 and 23....I love that I don't have to make any decisions for any of them any more or have any responsibility for them...I find it liberating.....I just go to work...and have just me and DP ( and the dog) to think about... just enjoy that OP ....we have a family whatsapp so we all message everyday ..
Thats just how we are....but its just general chit chat

This2willpass

I keep sending my daughter houses that I think will be suitable for her and her partner. I just can’t stop it.

Yes, you can. You’ve chosen to post here, on GN, and while you’re doing that, you’re not currently interfering in your DD’s life. You’re choosing to not stop. Step away from your laptop/phone and go for a walk or watch tv or take a bath.

And ask for more help. At least you’ve recognised there’s a problem. Now set to and solve it.

If you know there is a problem no doubt you will back off. It would. be a pity to spoil the relationship you have with your children by being too needy. Good luck.

Leave ‘ Do not do it ‘ post it notes all around the house & especially by the telephone .good luck it’s a hard habit to break ,but it can be done (cover your hands with something sticky ?)

This2mustpass I realise now, with you talking about your obsession about where your daughter may live, that your problems extend way beyond the normal, even for an interfering parent, which I do not think you are essentially

I really think that you need to seek medical advice and counselling, as your obsession is going well beyond what is normal.

Best way l find is to keep busy yourself. I mean to call or message my AC but run in from meeting friends for coffee , grab something to eat and immediately head out to golf or to water my flowers. Suddenly its too late to call and on it goes. Or l get stuck in a book and the time runs away with me. They laugh at me as its hard for them to catch me at times but l would rather that than having them getting annoyed with me. So try and keep busy. Let them see you have your own life. That will be a good role model for their later years too.
I usually talk to them once a week but not always. I always contacted my own Mom every weekend so that feels normal to me.

Thank you all for your replies. I am most grateful. Going to start from now, so no more neediness from me and interfering. I am going to speak to my gp re counselling. It’s going to be hard but I need to do this.