Wedding dilemma

Yes, you are not inviting the guests your daughter and her husband to be are, so you keep your feelings about this relative to yourself.

At the wedding you nod politely to this person and then remove yourself as far from her or him as possible and chat pleasantly to others.

If you daughter knows how you feel about this person, I am sure she will make quite sure you are not placed near her at the table.

If the relative insists on making unpleasant remarks to you at the wedding, smile and say, "You and I have never really got on, but can we at least agree not to spoil today for the bride and groom, please" then walk a way from her.

If you think that is a problem, when my son got married he of course invited his father, From whom I had been divorced some years, and who hadn't changed a bit. Luckily his brother was acting as minder to avoid anything too drastic, but I still had to stand next to him for the photographs

grandtanteJE65 has said it all, totally agree.

I presume this happened several years ago! You say the relatives behaviour did improve and you rubbed along nicely! It would take someone with a nasty tongue to make a remark at your daughters wedding! If it was me I wouldn’t be standing or sitting anywhere near them, and would try and enjoy the lovely wedding! If they are that disrespectful to make a comment , I would simply ignore and walk away, but smile sweetly! You never know the person could be pleased you aren’t together anymore and keep Quiet, I hope so

Can't add anything to Grandtante's post. That's exactly what I would do.

me too... brazen it out

Yes.
Your daughter invites whom she pleases, and you put up with it, and make NO reference to any previous disagreements.

I always thought wedding invitations went out from the bride’s parents, so doesn’t that happen any more?

Please don't have too much to drink!
You need your wits about you - perhaps the relative will get drunk and be bundled off home, out of harm's reach.

Yes you'll have to smile and nod and possibly get a sore tongue from all the biting! As you say it's your child's day and you wouldn't want to spoil it.

Haven’t you discussed this with your daughter/son?When our son got married he went along with any relatives we wanted to invite. He would gladly have ditched a few relatives in favour of being able to invite a few more friends.

Thank you all so much for your wise words and advice. The engagement is very recent so not had the opportunity to discuss with my child. I am loathe to bring the subject up myself because I don't want to put them on the spot and be THAT person who starts throwing their weight around and making things awkward with the wedding arrangements. It is, after all, my falling out with this relative, not my child's, and I don't want it to overshadow the occasion. The advice about not having too much to drink really made me smile - never a truer word!

Just as grandtante says. Your priority here is son's/daughter's wedding day and making it happy and lovely for them, yourself and the rest of the guests. And what you say if the relative makes comments ..exactly what grandetante suggests. If the relative tries again, keeps on, pesters then find a group to stand with and talk to, circulate etc and ignore them

Have champagne with your breakfast. Champagne puts a glow on any situation 🍾

I was the step mum at my step son’s wedding many years ago. Very bitter wife number 1, his mother, was obviously there too.

It was not difficult for us to avoid one another. I simply kept her in the corner of my eye & if she moved, like you do, around the room I moved to avoid being too close to her. We chatted to the same people of course but at different times. There was no atmosphere.

It was the young couple’s big day. It went without a hitch because we behaved like adults and didn’t let anything at all, including alcohol, (neither she nor I drink anyway) mar it.
It’s not difficult.

Ladyleftfieldlover

I always thought wedding invitations went out from the bride’s parents, so doesn’t that happen any more?

No

I've just been in the same situation with my ex husband at son's wedding. Ex husband was abusive and since divorcing him he won't look me in the eye, sneers, bad mouths me to the children...I have nasty texts, silly childish behavior (he sleeps around and is almost 60, usually with much younger women....is really full of himself, rude, arrogant, I could go on and on and you get the picture) oh, hang on, he also tells his new women and anyone hanging around him that I am abusive, took all his money and also that I am mentally ill, sleep around (I've never even had a one night stand ) I was with this revolting, abusive man for 20years and he made my life awful. He tries and fails to poison the children against me..
Divorcing him was one of the best decisions of my life.
I've totally digressed.... Right, so aside from all of this...just before we left for the wedding my dress broke, irreparable. Anxiety could have shot through the roof. My kids were laughing, I laughed and had to change into a neighbours dress. Long story. It fitted, but I had to have my arms showing whixh are not toned and then none of my makeup matched but I had five minutes to spare so had to get on with it.
We got there on time and on the way I chewed rescue remedy sweets, and in walks ex husband. I actually tried not to vomit as he makes me so uncomfortable. He made a beeline for the kids, ignoring me. I managed to say 'you look very smart '
He, of course, sneered at me, refused eye contact.
It was a room of maybe 25-30 people so I kept my nerve because it is not my day.

It was THEIR day..no one else's.❤️
At times my ex husband became a bit competitive and although he was holding it in, he created a funny atmosphere that just bounced off him....he slobbered all over someone quiet young who he knew who was going (whixh got noticed embarrassingly by a few people who came later) he didn't mix at all, just sat at his table and this was noted.
Several people did try to engage with me, telling me how the children were a credit to ME. (Not the both of you, ME) and I graciously made sure I said there were two parents and thank you. The only slip up I had was when another key family member said to me that my ex was a very difficult man...I replied that he hadn't changed and I know I got a bit tearful. I wish I'd said nothing.
A load of his old colleagues sat with him (all women) hanging off him 🙄 I got a few glares. They all looked quite glam and I looked decidedly a little bit old and I had a very long dress on that was classy but not an inkling of sexy or anything like that and do you know what? I am so so thankful for the dress because it kept me level, I didn't tug or pull at it, it looked smart enough for the wedding without attracting attention and I was comfortable!
You can do this!
Maybe keep off the caffeine, breath, notice other lovely things about the wedding, enjoy the other wonderful people that are there, stay sober, smile, relax and enjoy their happiness. Remember that if people do know about the bad feeling then they will be watching you a little to see if you react. (I was watching some of the table a little and one of the women was constantly looking up to try and roll her eyes at me and catch my Ex husband's eye. Embarrassed for them actually as others noticed this including the brides mum who sweetly made a massive point of saying how lovely I looked and made sure I was included in conversations.
Go through the things that might worry you but then shelve them as it will more than likely go smoothly.
It's their Day, so go along, stay sober and just have a brilliant time making memories x

sodapop

Can't add anything to Grandtante's post. That's exactly what I would do.

Same here,smile and keep your head held high remember you are the proud Mother of the Bride.

It's your daughter's wedding, not yours so, unfortunately, you will have to put up and shut up.
I don't mean that in an unkind way, I have been in a similar situation but if you show a chink you will be provoked.
We had to attend a close family member's wedding where the parents were divorced and not on amicable terms. We were obviously invited so that the spare had someone to sit with. Yes, the table with the swing door that led to the loos.
They forgot to tell us there was a Champagne reception and so by the time we had booked in and freshened up all the drinks and canapes had been eaten by the side that was in favour.
One photo was taken which we never received. We were advised to book a room where the reception was being held. It turned out to be the most expensive in the city and no one else was staying there they had done their homework.
For the whole day, we were the pariahs in the corner. I have vowed never to do it again.
Though this was not one of my children, you have to try and be gracious keep a smile plastered on your face and please your daughter.

Agree with grandtante you are the mother of the bride, have a wonderful day, if there is a top table you will be on it and hopefully well away from other relative.

Yammy

It's your daughter's wedding, not yours so, unfortunately, you will have to put up and shut up.
I don't mean that in an unkind way, I have been in a similar situation but if you show a chink you will be provoked.
We had to attend a close family member's wedding where the parents were divorced and not on amicable terms. We were obviously invited so that the spare had someone to sit with. Yes, the table with the swing door that led to the loos.
They forgot to tell us there was a Champagne reception and so by the time we had booked in and freshened up all the drinks and canapes had been eaten by the side that was in favour.
One photo was taken which we never received. We were advised to book a room where the reception was being held. It turned out to be the most expensive in the city and no one else was staying there they had done their homework.
For the whole day, we were the pariahs in the corner. I have vowed never to do it again.
Though this was not one of my children, you have to try and be gracious keep a smile plastered on your face and please your daughter.

That sounds awful Yammy. Well done you for rising above it, not sure I could have done...

MerylStreep

Have champagne with your breakfast. Champagne puts a glow on any situation 🍾

Yeah but!
Gives you a big mouth as well.😂

Weddings can be joyful or bloody awful can’t they?

Another vote for the first post