Feeling selfish

You’re not a horrible person, or selfish. You’re an exhausted, worried person. I don’t really have any advice, other than look after your own needs too. I understand where you’re coming from.

Don't feel like a horrible person Angstridden we are all entitled to think of ourselves from time. It sounds like your husband just accepts all you do without any thought of how you are coping. Time for an honest discussion about how you feel and arrange for regular quality time where you can do something you enjoy.
You need to feel positive about all the support you give your husband not guilty.

I'm right there with you, although my DH is kind, sweet and affectionate and hates the fact that he can't do what he used to be able to, due to various health issues and old age - he's 82, I'm 77.

I love him very much and I'm more than happy to take care of him but I simply cannot be "nice" all the time. I'm struggling to do it all and now and again I have to let off steam. Should we have to abandon ourselves just because we have a beloved one to look after?

These things have come upon us at a time when we ourselves are ageing and maybe are less able; I have no family to help and it's hard to talk about these problems, we have to stay cheerful and put on a brave face. We are not allowed to say that while we love this person dearly and will do all that we can for them, sometimes we resent the fact that the care is all one way.

If you are horrible then so am I - and I know I'm not, and I'm sure you're not either! You can always PM me if you'd like to.

Being frustrated about your position does not make you horrible or selfish, nobody wants to become a carer to their partner.

I got divorced in my 50s and do not want a long-term relationship as it could mean becoming a carer later. The flip side is I would not have anyone to look after me if needed but would not want to put that on a partner anyway.

You are not a horrible person. But the truth is until you are placed in a situation where he has to step up and do things - you will never know.
I have been with DH for 22 years and we have each at times faced life threatening illnesses. Happily we now both know that we can rely on each other but until actually faced with it - it was an unknown quantity.
Much as you love him - have you ever asked him how he would be if the situation were reversed?
Given that he has been a victim of the NHS incompetence - you don't need to enable him to carry on being a victim. If he needs to move more then encourage him to do so or his own benefit - if he refuses then maybe you should do a little less for him.
But you are entirely right to feel concerned and not horrible for thinking it in the least.

My usually lovely children think I’ve enabled his laziness over the years and they’re probably right. I am grateful for being robust so far, but would sometimes liked to be ‘looked after’ .Several of my friends are not at all well at present and I look at their partners and wonder if mine would be as caring. Perhaps I’m being unfair.

I don't think you are being unfair to think this way. Being a carer is difficult, and sometimes the emotional side is neglected. See if you can sit and have a good talk with him about his general health and what he can do to improve it to help both himself and you.

My father was a pontificator and my mother a facilitator. When she got very old and could no longer facilitate, she became very angry with his pontificating, so I became their carer and took the brunt of both their frustrations to the extent that my father said: 'Look after your mother, you are the only family she has!' My thought was: 'Well, you have been married to her for 65 years, who are you then, if not family?!' My advice would be to look after yourself as much as you can. This is not a dress rehearsal.

You're exhausted both physically and emotionally Angstridden which makes you human, not horrible. You need to have an honest conversation with your H, tell him you're struggling and suggest things that he can do to alleviate some of your workload.

gulligranny.

Smileless2012

You're exhausted both physically and emotionally Angstridden which makes you human, not horrible. You need to have an honest conversation with your H, tell him you're struggling and suggest things that he can do to alleviate some of your workload.

gulligranny.

I agree. Resentment is absolutely normal in this situation, its just that its sometimes not seen as "socially acceptable".

Too many women of our generation just fell into the pattern of being the "look after take care" of others without feeling they had a right to take care of themselves. You may have unwittingly facilitated it - no blame there, just awareness it may have happened.

People are right - you need to challenge it when he can do something for himself. Own up how exhausted you are and try and have an honest chat xx

💐 we just fall into these roles and become what we are. Your children are probably correct, however it’s stepping back and encouraging him to help himself more.
You would actually be doing him a favour if you did. Having worked in elderly rehab it’s surprising how this comes about very often and unlike you the partner doing everything won’t recognise what has happened or is happening.
Be kind to yourself and stop. Ask him to help himself.

I agree with the facilitator/carer role that women seem to automatically take on.

Fortunately, my DH and I have generally had good health so far. However, I worry that if I am ever ill, I will be left mainly to my own devices, apart from the occasional cup of tea. On the other hand, my DH will be the worst patient ever. He is a nightmare when he just has a cold.

It is frustrating, but it is them being selfish, not you.

Maybe you should have the conversation with him

Recently, a nurse told me how often they see the breakdown of health or demise of the carer before the sick person they are looking after.
Nearly always women, sadly, seeing to their partner's needs to the bitter end.

Sounds like he's jolly lucky to have you. Make sure you have lots of treats for yourself. Of course you're not horrible, you have every right to a pleasant life. Get someone from Age Uk to advise on support and help...maybe if you get the right benefits you could get someone in to give you a respite break..

Of course you're not horrible.

Have you considered hiring help? The plan we have put in place is to hire competent help when needed. Likely soon as we're around 80.

Well now he is mildly depressed (which he has suffered with several times over the years) and can’t sleep which is really getting to him understandably.He is having counselling but oh my, it’s hard to live with someone you know is unhappy. I feel my whole life revolves around his health and feelings. I’m sure I’m being unreasonable, but it is draining and I feel like the housekeeper.

My sympathies!
Contact some sort of carers' group locally to get support / counselling for yourself. Google, ask at GP surgery or ask his mental health team. Whatever suits you - group meeting for a friendly coffee, or individual help.
Tell him that you need this in order to keep caring. It will help you sort out what best to do to keep going yourself. Bear in mind that you can't care for him if you are being so drained.
Good luck

Theexwife

Being frustrated about your position does not make you horrible or selfish, nobody wants to become a carer to their partner.

I got divorced in my 50s and do not want a long-term relationship as it could mean becoming a carer later. The flip side is I would not have anyone to look after me if needed but would not want to put that on a partner anyway.

I only got divorced Jan this year at 72 but I am wary for the same reasons as you.

I struggle with this and that to look after myself and would be swamped with another's needs, because I have that thing I described above - sort of switching on to another's needs at expense of own just the way a lot of us were brought up.

Truly,O/P, especially as DH has a counsellor, you need to try and find something that is just for you and try and not be quite so available, but I have no magic tricks to suggest how, we are all so different.

You are not being unreasonable. I couldn’t have put up with this man for so long. I would have left long ago.

Hi Angst. I can really understand where you are coming from. Same sort of situation here. I think some of us are hard wired to care....but it's not good for us at all.

I have decided to make life as easy for us both as possible. And to factor in some time away from home regularly each week.

Most of the stuff I do about the house I would have to do anyway if it were just me here.

The depression is so hard to deal with. I am trying to ignore the negativity and boost any positivity. And keep in regular touch with friends. You are not horrible at all. Far from it. Chin up.

Thanks for the support ladies (I assume). I do think women are programmed to care and to feel guilty when they run out of steam (and patience). Doesn’t help that the weather is vile and many of my usual activities have stopped during the holidays).

I agree with Smileless. You are exhausted.

When I was caring for my husband and at a pint were I was weeping with exhaustion and frustration I saw a counsellor. Not just to pour out my trouble but a very practical down to earth woman who enabled me to make changes in my life.

One of the best questions she asked was “If you were not caring for your husband what would you like to be doing now” Actually I’d got to the stage where it was hard to think of anything but I said “Go to the theatre with a friend.” And she said “Then that is what you must do.”

It was amazing how by doing that one thing I started to take back some life of my own.

Now that may not be helpful to you, but I do think a good counsellor might be. Your health is important too.

Boz

Recently, a nurse told me how often they see the breakdown of health or demise of the carer before the sick person they are looking after.
Nearly always women, sadly, seeing to their partner's needs to the bitter end.

I know a man whose wife waited on him, he was always too ill to do anything but when she died, he dusted himself off, joined a local Seniors club, went out on outings and moved a ‘lady friend’ ( his words ) in with him, she refused to wait on him and he was quite happy to pull his weight.
Please OP get your husband to shift himself, he can still do things, even if it’s from a chair, take a step back, even if you just go out for the day, leave him the makings of lunch but let him do it himself. Baby steps.

What is he actually capable of?

I assume he can get himself up, showered, shaved and dressed, and that these absolute basics don't fall to you. If he can't, can he get help in these areas from Social Work carers? Ask your GP for a referral.

Once up and running (figuratively speaking) how does he spend his day?

If he sits in an armchair watching TV while you do everything to keep the home going and keep him fed, watered and entertained, then he willl be getting bored and lethargic, which is a sure-fire recipe for depression. He needs some responsibilities and some work to keep his hands and brain in use - and you need some help with the chores.

Can he peel and chop vegetables? Sit him at a table with some washed potatoes, carrots, onions etc and some bouillon powder (Marigold?), a potato peeler, a knife, a cutting board a big saucepan and a basic soup recipe.

Repeat this with sugar, flour, fat, apples, potato peeler, knife, cutting board, oven-proof dish and recipe for apple crumble. A short tutorial might be needed on rubbing in the fat, or mashing it in with a fork, or he might prefer the high-tech (and therefore more masculine) option of using a food processor.

Hey presto - he has made an excellent meal, and filled in a whole morning or afternoon with Meaningful Activity.