Family Drama

Bit hard to follow.

I would say that you may be happier if you lower your expectations of interactions with your mother. She is 75 so unlikely to change, but you can change your reaction to it.

To be honest I think you have fed into the drama. If it was my daughter I probably would have said "ignore it love, you know what your gran can be like, its not personal" instead of turning it into a big drama like you did. What did you expect to achieve? Do you really think your mum would change her ways?

Hi there; You cannot believe how many time I have done that "ignore it you know what you nan is like". Years of ignoring it. I had just had enough and needed to set a boundary. If you know me, I detest turmoil and like to keep the peace. This time - I guess I blew a gasket. No my Mom had delivered demeaning comments and honestly is quite a cold woman at this point of her life. She has seriously changed. Not certain what has happened. I just was so frustrated. Well, what is done is done. She is off to speak to her 'experts" I honestly do not know what she wants to achieve. I apologized for my behaviour. Honestly, instead of trying to prove she is right should she not feel more concerned that she hurt her granddaughter's feelings?

Hi Serenadala,

If you have kept your council and been relatively patient in the past I think its likely that you would blow one day or another, and from what you describe, I can understand why it was this time..... we always protect the ones we love more than ourselves don't we?

She sounds quite self centred (narcissistic?) and has already chosen who her favourite child/gchild is.
She seems to have a clear idea of who is going to benefit from her largess and who isn't!

Maybe my situation has coloured my view of yours, as I have experience of my mother as a drama troublemaker and she constantly uses money to manipulate the family.

Withdrawing and not accepting the gifts your m offers is red rage to a bull, so is accepting them, in my experience. Basically there is no winning against this manipulation, well not that I've found anyway.

Who would the 'experts' be that she thinks will prove her right, do you think?
Seems to me just some kind of bravado on her part because she cant possibly see herself in the wrong!!

As you say no thought for any upset to your daughter or you, its all about her...….typical narc!

Sorry I haven't any good advice, just completely understand your position.

Your mum's letter seems very cold and rude to me. I don't care what any "experts" say, that's how most people would take it, I think.

If she has "seriously changed," maybe it is due to depression or some other health issue or medication she is taking. Has she had a checkup, lately, that you know of?

It seems she loves to give gifts and may be hurt and frustrated that you and yours don't accept them. She may be favoring those family members who do. Also, she may rather spend it on you people now than have it all go to her nursing care later on, and may feel you and yours are thwarting her in that.

She certainly seems very conscious of money. Why does she know anything about your DD's finances? Perhaps it is better to give her less information about your or your DD's financials. It will be hard for her to make assumptions about who can afford what if she doesn't know what their financial circumstances are.

Oh blimey it’s really so confaluted to read you ve got stories about four or five different generations in there you even talk about your mums relationship with her grandmother! Please! So much drama caused about what...
money, money, money, blooming glad I ve got none no one will fight over what I ve got to leave
Just forget all the ‘she said this he said that’ and get on with living your brother is the wise one

Ps haven’t we had a previous thread like this it seems very familiar a moneyed old lady in US and a maligned daughter
And rowing family Perhaps I m wrong but I feel I ve been here before, anyone else?

I think your Mum's response was absolutely horrible and must have really shocked and upset your daughter.

You have apologised for getting angry (I can quite understand your anger), so you've done your bit. The least she could have done was accept your apology and acknowledge that her words were uncalled for and spiteful.

It completely baffles me how mothers especially can do things to cause unnecessary upset to their children and grandchildren, everything I have earned or inherited I will forever share with my children and grandchildren.

Personally I don't think your mother deserves to have a caring family and although I hate conflict had that been my mother she would have been told point blank she had over stepped the mark, sadly I lost my mum many years ago so she never had the joy of seeing her grandchildren flourish and turn in to parents themselves but I know how much she would have cherished them all and given her right arm to make them happy.

I would just like to thank everyone for their input and I have taken all of your comments very seriously. I am trying to move on. I absolutely know for certain I will be receiving a call next week with the results from the 'expert panel' she is consulting. I think I am just going to tell her I apologized and the matter is now closed. I frankly do not want to discuss it anymore and my daughter suggested we move on as well. I know this topic may have popped up before, but I am a new member and it is my first post. I am hoping to discuss happier things in the future like how to best communicate with my beautiful grandson in Germany! I am Canadian BTW to the member who suggested this post may have come from a US member. LOL! Still sad...had my second cry at 4:00am after falling asleep on the sofa. I still cannot believe that this is my mother. The one who always preached love and forgiveness. I guess after she met her new beau and stopped going to church, she forgot her Sunday sermons! :-) Just mourning the loss of my 'genuine' Mom. Her doctor says she is sharp and alert...so I am shrugging my shoulders.

If I had got a nastygram like that in response to a thank you note I don’t think I would be writing to the author again for a very, very long time.

I think if your daughter wants to back off from Nasty Granny, let her do so.

Yes, I am letting it go. I actually received an apology about a half an hour ago. It still does not erase the fact that she hurt my daughter. She will apologize to me but not to her. Still hurt. She still maintains the note was beautifully written. Yuck!!!

Glad you're letting it go. But did you mention to mum that she needs to apologize to DD? She might think that apologizing through you is enough.

But what happened to Serendala, the OP?

Yes I too am wondering about Serendala?

For a while I was confused as to whether lorrieartiste and Serendala were the same person!

Well pretty obvious we have a poster with different aliases who has forgotten which one she posted under which makes you wonder how much is true I m absolutely sure I ve read a very similar story before

Hello all: It's me! And yes both names belong to me. I was having serious issues with the set-up of my account. All of this history is absolutely true. Who takes the time to write a big long story that is not true? I certainly so not have that kind of time to waste! LOL! And yes, my Mom still maintains her words were 'kind' and my daughter will not receive an apology. My apology and the request for us to move on was enough to her. My daughter lives in Toronto, we live in Montreal. Either way things will not be the same for any of us. Hi ladies, so nice to be here. My other name has been deleted. All is fixed!

Many people have written long and conferluting stories to get an Oh_ahh responseo or to get ideas for books or research and many other reasons or just to wind up
I can only suggest you talk to Gransnet HQ about your duel personality as it’s not only confusing but will add to people not taking you seriously

Just seen you ve done the name change bit I missed that ok that should be better for people to get to know you

Thanks for letting us know about the name change, lorrieartiste!

As for the situation with Mom, I can totally see why "things will not be the same" after this. I hope neither you or DD will cut her out of your lives - "life is too short" for that, etc. But I can definitely see cutting back on contact. Also, I wouldn't even consider taking any trips with her, even if she suggests it.

I don't necessarily mean cutting back on contact "forever" - maybe just for a while, so everyone can cool off and get past this.

Hi there - I hope you have sorted it because I can't actually understand it. What are the so called 'experts' that your mum is calling in? To do what? Say her letter to your daughter was ok? What kind of people do this? Sounds really rude to me t.b.h.

Thing is we can't actually force people to be different or to love anyone/everyone. You hinted that your mum has been indifferent to your children most of their lives? I am sure it does hurt but whatever the reason is, you just have to accept that's the way it is with her.

The gist of the info does seem to revolve round money/gifts if I am honest. I know you say you don't care about it but it is bound to gall you knowing others have received so much of your father's money and your family has (according to you) received so little.

All I can say is....don't let it! Just live your life with your lovely family, keep in touch with your extended family but don't let all the squabbles become an obsession. It wasn't nice what your mother said to your daughter but let it go. Don't start demanding apologies on her behalf. If she sends her anything in future I would just send a generic thank you card, then nothing can be interpreted the wrong way can it?

Good luck

Thank you everyone! You are all certainly a nice community of ladies. It still hurts but as suggested, I am laying low for a while. My sister's birthday is next week and we are getting together for the announcement of a surprise trip to Greece (just sis and Mom). Happy for them!

Good news this weekend! I am going to be a grandma for the fifth time! My son who lives in Germany is expecting an addition to his family. This is number two! Just in time because I wanted to celebrate my grandson's birthday on April 1st in person. So by the time I travel to Germany at the end of March, there will be two grandchildren to visit! Baby is due mid-February, so is just enough time to make sure they adjust to having another baby in the family.

I am determined to be focused on the good. Life is too short to be nasty or hold grudges. You never know what tomorrow will bring.

I see there is a board on here for long distance grandmas. I may pay a visit over there too. Anyone else here dealing with distance?

Have a great evening ladies!

Hi Bluegal, I re-read your response. Honestly, yes it does bother me a little bit. But not for me-just my children. And not so much material possessions, but things like an occasional phone call or when I offer to travel as a family. I am usually turned down but my siblings will suggest it and they are never turned down. Guess I am not selecting the right trips! LOL!

Congratulations on the expected new arrival!
Now in the words of the song
"Accentuate the positive,
Eliminate the negative!"

Congratulations from me too lorrieartiste.

You see, you have a lot to look forward to. Ignore the rest! x

lorrie, if you will forgive my language, I think you are (quite rightly) not kissing ass hard enough compared to your siblings, and that may explain the discrepancy....