Issues with Sons attitude and where do i go from here?

You need to step right back.
Your husband needs to talk to your son and if he thinks he should leave then your husband needs to be the one to set a time limit. Not you.
Tell your husband they must sort things out between themselves. Refuse to get involved.

Chuck him OUT. Right now. You are not doing him any favours at all and he needs to grow up,fast.

It’s so simple isn’t it Nana8 and that I m afraid is a sarcastic reply
It’s far from simple there is so much more to people’s fears and issues than just a ‘Chuck him out’ comment which just isn’t useful I totally understand where you are coming from shazboo it is not easy to shut the door in a child’s face when our whole being is about supporting and protecting our children, and the feelings are so deeply ingrained in our very being that it leaves us in a total quandary
Could your husband and yourself have a joint talk with your son without anger on your husbands behalf or tears on yours sticking completely to facts without emotion taking over or would a letter to him be better, I ve often found that can work better as the recipient can read it over and over without losing face in a personal confrontation
I do wish you luck in this, it’s a really difficult situation a total dichotomy of care and love on one hand and the need for respect and give and take from the other

I am not being sarcastic...........but you have created this monster. Time for some tough talking from you and your OH. Kicking your DS out might seem to be the answer but with no job where would he go and would his attitude towards women change? Probably not.

Set some ground rules, if he's living rent free then he pulls his weight in other ways. Could his attitude towards you have been the cause of his marriage breakdown? Has he no respect for women?

You are all adults and he must see how his behaviour is affecting you and his father.

Set the boundaries..........your house.......your rules!
I wish you well, none of us would want our AC living on the streets would we?

If your son is an adult why did you let him back into the family home? I understand the need to help in a crisis, but when he came back it should have been with the understanding it was only until he got back on his feet. Instead you became his feet and now he can't walk.
You shouldn't tolerate disrespect from your own children. Did you disrespect your parents? Maybe you did but I suspect not. I could be wrong.
You say parents are not there to provide rent-free accommodation for their adult kids but that is exactly what you are doing. So stop it and start living by your own standards.
Your husband has asked him to leave because of his disrespect of you but now you are saying you feel guilty. For what? Drawing attention to that disrespect?
You fear you are going to lose him? He isn't yours to keep. He's an adult who needs to get on with his own life. The more you try to stop that the more disrespect he will have for you.
How do you cope with the guilt? By forgiving yourself.
Are you kicking him out? I think you should see it as setting him free, and setting yourself free.
I only know this because I've been there myself. You will both be able to survive, and he will come to respect you for it.

I think it is easy for sons to take out their anger with life in general on their mums.We are there providing unconditional love. Your son knows that. Life is difficult for him at present- marriage broken up and no job. He is lashing out. I think you and your DH need to agree together a joint approach and sit down and tell your son that the current situation cannot go on. He needs to contribute towards his keep ( I assume he is getting some benefits at the moment), treat you both with respect and do a few things to help around the house. Stress that you love him but the current situation cannot go on as it is making you miserable. Suggest you talk again in 4 weeks and see if things are better. Tough love needed. I do feel for you. Good luck.

Your husband is separated from his wife.
He lost his job because of his behaviour.
He makes no attempt to seek work.
He lives off you rent fee
He treats you badly.
Why are you feeling guilty?

Yes you are too soft. You and your husband need to present a united front, set out house rules, a time limit for his stay, an insistence on his seeking work, and take a percentage of whatever benefits he receives, however small.
He is in his thirties, married with a child, sponging off his parents yet his response is to reduce his mother to tears.
You should not be in this position.
Again, why are you feeling guilty?

I agree with momb you and your husband need to present a united front to your son and spell out the issues. Timescales for change are important, don't let things slip back.
You should not feel guilty your son is an adult and should not be acting like a sulky teenager.
Good luck Shazboo

Shazboo, it’s so easy for others (presumably who run their lives perfectly) to say what you should do. I know for a fact I’d be the same as you with my DS1 under those circumstances.
I hope you can sort things out, I’m thinking your husband is your best ally here !

Depression ? Sounds like it to me. Can you ask your son how he feels in himself ?

lucca exactly it’s so easy to say ‘Chuck him out’ we know nothing we don’t know what has happened in his life so, so quick to condem or give an answer I could not chuck a child out however difficult I found them I would have to find another answer
keepingquiet with all the issues you have been writing about with your son and daughter in law and all the tears you are crying and yet you are not staying away from getting hurt time and time again I think your advice to shaz is quite disingenuous (a bit of do as I suggest not do as I do)
Try and step back Shaz and get together with your husband to make a plan without anger or tears

Lucca

Shazboo, it’s so easy for others (presumably who run their lives perfectly) to say what you should do. I know for a fact I’d be the same as you with my DS1 under those circumstances.
I hope you can sort things out, I’m thinking your husband is your best ally here !

I agree with this.

I wonder if you could sit him down with you and your husband, and calmly explain that you are not prepared to put up with his behaviour and why?

Whether he likes it or not, it is your house, and as an adult he is a guest in it, not a child for whom you are responsible.

Personally, I don't think you need to go as far as to overtly threaten to as him to leave, but that will be implicit if you point out that whilst he is very welcome to stay, you are not prepared to accept being treated like this.

If your husband is supportive, your son really has no alternative but to agree, which might sound coercive, but to be honest, I don't think that that matters in this case.

Shazboo

Our son is in his early 30s and separated from his wife. They have a child together and are very good parents.
My issue is that after my son left the marital home, he came to live back with us. This seemed fine at first but now it's getting too much. He lost his business 2 years ago due to his behaviour and has not worked since,i know the pandemic has had an impact but he isn't trying to find work. His occupation is mechanic.
He's always been more respectful of his dad than me but now it's getting worse, he has no respect for me and undermines me.
He doesn't seem to grasp that living in our home rent free and having everything available to him, isn't what parents are there for!
Today we had a row about his treatment of me... like countless times before... and when his dad came home i broke down in tears as iv had enough. His dad says he needs to leave and i need to set a time limit, but now my guilt has kicked in and i feel I'm going to lose him.
I know its my fault and that I'm soft and my husband has always been the stern one, but he's right.
How do i cope with the guilt and knowing I've kicked him out?

Most of these things are caused by keeping silent until things come to a head.
2020 has tested the patience of all of us, and few are completely lockdown proof.
Don't allow yourself or son to do anything too rash.
You need a quiet sit down, and exchange of feelings without being interupted.
Sit in a circle with a speaking ball. Only the one holding the ball is allowed to speak. Pass the ball round until every one has said what they need to say.
Find out why you and your son don't see eye to eye. You need to look to your own actions as well as he his.

I think that you now need to leave it to your DH to deal with. If he has disrespected you since he is young, I doubt if anything that you say will change .
Maybe his dad was the one that disciplined him at the time and you were the one he then ran to you, knowing he could twist you round his little finger?
I would guess that he is suffering from depression but it really is up to him, with your support , to go and see his GP.

BlueBelle

lucca exactly it’s so easy to say ‘Chuck him out’ we know nothing we don’t know what has happened in his life so, so quick to condem or give an answer I could not chuck a child out however difficult I found them I would have to find another answer
keepingquiet with all the issues you have been writing about with your son and daughter in law and all the tears you are crying and yet you are not staying away from getting hurt time and time again I think your advice to shaz is quite disingenuous (a bit of do as I suggest not do as I do)
Try and step back Shaz and get together with your husband to make a plan without anger or tears

Bluebelle I don't want to get into a spat here but since my son was a teenager he hasn't lived with me. He has come back from time to time as I have said in a crisis I have offered him a bed but only on my terms.
Of course we get hurt. but my son has never fleeced off me and respects my boundaries.
My issues have had to do with DIL and her preventing me seeing my grandchild.
It is a completely different issue from allowing an adult to live in your home long term rent free and then disrespect you.

It’s for your husband to tell your son that it is not acceptable for him to treat you in this way, and that he is old enough to take responsibility for his own life.
It would be difficult for him to move out during lockdown but he should be making plans now.

I would let your hubby deal with it and don't put more stress on yourself. He's a grown man and should be looking after himself, don't let him bully you, set that time limit and let him go. Wonder did he disrespect his ex wife like he does you. It sounds like he just needs to wise up and stop acting like a child.

I'm sorry but I'm about to write something you might not like.
You are an enabler , by that I mean by allowing your son to live rent free , job free , responsibility free , he has returned to a petulant teenager without respect to himself and both you and your husband.
He needs to learn he has to man up , get a job , preferably move out or at least have the responsibility of paying for his keep.

It is too easy to write what some one 'should' or 'shouldnt' feel.
If Shazboo says she feels guilty then lets respect that.
It is a bad situation, regardless of how it came to be, the thought of upsetting your child so much that the consequence is they may not want anything to do with you in the future is very hard. But....I would ask Shazboo to really think of how unhappy you are now, how sad you are at the way your son is behaving with you and suggest that whilst you may feel guilty you will also feel very relieved if he no longer lived with you.
The best advise I can see on this page is that which says all three of you need to sit down without emotion and perhaps you and your husband work through a preprepared list of unacceptable behaviour. You could place a condition that he can stay another month providing he meets the behaviour you are asking for, he he fails to meet it then he must leave within 3 days. So plan now for your alternative accommodation. If he meets the behaviour then perhaps you can give him a reasonable time frame to get a job and a home. I.e. you have two months with us to get a job, find a home providing your behavious stays good, if he doesnt you have 3 days to get out.
Stay strong,

Could you write down the expenses he incurs while he's been living rent free with you, food, heat, electricity, the usual, and sit with him and your husband and show him. Say you simply cannot afford to do it any longer. Good Luck

His dad says he needs to leave and i need to set a time limit,

So your husband makes you the baddy in this.

I think you and your husband need to have a conversation about what the two of you want to happen. And then you both have a conversation with your son.

Definitely agree you and your husband should always present a united front in this so that your son sees that decisions and ground rules are set by you both. He can’t blame you alone for these important rules and expected standards.
I also feel it’s important to try to rebuild your son’s sense of self worth. Ask him to give you a helping hand in the garden or is there any redecorating to be done in your house?
I believe as parents we bring our children up with the tools they will need as adults. It’s up to them how they use those tools and if they make mistakes with them we can guide our children back to using their tools in the way they were originally fashioned!
In a way it’s like having your son at home as a child again so go back to those days of giving and expecting respect but as a mum and dad team. We currently have our 20 year old grandchild living with us and it’s been a learning experience for us all. The mess apart from anything! We’ve had to gently but persistently remind her to respect our home and it’s working. The hard bit has been remembering she’s an adult living here now and not the little girl who would have “sleepovers”! All the best x

I think perhaps start standing on his own two feet and getting his own place might be the things he needs. It's a very difficult situation as we all want to help our children as much as we can but sometimes tough love is the only option. He will thank you for it and perhaps make him appreciate just how much you have done for him so far.And yes, your husband does need to get on board with this.

You don't say the cause of the breakdown of your son's marriage though by the way he treats you would hazard a guess at disrespect for his wife. He is unemployed so surely he will be in receipt of some benefits for living costs ie rent, food so you could charge him something towards his living with you. His attitude won't change unless he has to address it and that is by making him realise he can't go on the way he is. You, together with your DH should sit down and tell him he has to leave giving him a deadline. Very hard but surely you recognise no DS of his age and in his circumstances would treat anyone the way he does you.