Trudy Hannington is a Psychosexual Therapist and is the Chair of The College of Sexual and Relationship Therapists (COSRT). Highly qualified in this field, Trudy has NHS contracts with Doncaster and Bassetlaw PCTs and also sees patients on a private basis.
Trudy will be joining Gransnet for the first time for a 'late night' webchat answering questions on all aspects of sex and relationships.
It may be that you have questions on your relationship as you both get older and it evolves. Perhaps you have worries about sexual difficulties experienced by yourself or your partner, or maybe you would like to ask about the changes that menopause brings about and how to address those in the context of a healthy sex life.
There may even be questions you have about dating again following divorce or the loss of your partner.
Whether your question relates to your own body or desires or your partner's, or if you're concerned about the way society's attitudes to sex may be changing, Trudy is highly experienced in this field.
And, for the first time in Gransnet's history we will be inviting you (should you wish) to request a new username so that you can be confident in complete anonymity in this sensitive area. To request a change in username just email us at [email protected].
Please post your questions here and make a date in your diary for this important topic for 12 November at 6pm.
Oh! Thanks .... I shall know in future. 
Granny23
Is no-body going to ask any questions? Is everyone too shy? Or perhaps no one has a problem? Perhaps I could set the balls rolling with a few sample questions, purely in the pubic interest, of course - I am admitting to nothing.
A. What to do if HE is still very keen and SHE has lost all interest?
B. What to do if SHE is still very keen and HE has lost all interest?
C. Is Viagra ever the answer?
D. Does a permanent catheter or vaginal atrophy mean - THIS IS THE END?
E. Can you explain why some couples who have been together 30/40/50 years cannot discuss matters sexual with each other?
F. What to do if the mind is willing but the flesh is weak?
G. If you lose your partner in later life do you just have to come to terms with celibacy?
Just trying to be practical here - hope no-one is offended
A. I would want to ask “why has she lost all interest?” then maybe the problem can be addressed. Is it a psychological problem or a physical one? Or it could be a combination of both. There are many things that can be done to help couples regain intimacy if that's what they want.
B. When men lose interest in sex, it often has an underlying physical problem such as low testosterone. Sometimes men say they have lost interest and avoid sex if they are having problems with their erections and don't want to admit it! Again, lots of treatments available.
C. Viagra is helpful for men who have problems attaining and or maintaining an erection. Many men who have diabetes for example can often have erection problems and Viagra or similar drugs can be extremely beneficial.
Sometimes Viagra or similar drugs can be used "off license" in women, I have seen many women benefit from this, particularly women who have diabetes and in cases of MS.
D. Having to use things like catheters can be very off putting and uncomfortable but it doesn't have to be the end of your sex life. Sometimes certain positions have to be avoided or you may no longer be able to have penetrative sex. However, there are lots of other things you can do to keep the intimacy in your relationship alive.
Vaginal atrophy can be easily treated with localised oestrogen in the form of a cream or pellet; you don't necessarily have to take a full HRT. You would need to discuss this with your GP. There is also an excellent website menopausematters.co.uk which explains this in more detail.
E. Communication is key to a happy and fulfilling sex life. However, many people are embarrassed and the longer this goes on in the relationship the harder it gets! Sometimes I encourage couples to each write down things they like sexually and then swap papers. Books can also be helpful that you can share together, books can often be very permission giving - if it's written down it must be ok!
F. I'm not quite sure what you mean by the flesh being weak but if it's strength and stamina you mean, there are lots of "lazy" positions that can be fun and passionate. The spoon position is a good example of this.
G. It is very sad when someone loses their partner in later life and some people choose not to have another relationship for various reasons. However, I have seen many people over the years where it seems to be guilt that plays a big part. Just because someone chooses to have another relationship does not mean they didn't love their partner any less than someone who stays single.
Kiora
I have had a real giggle
arsedbothered. The thought of gels and creams is really off putting. Now my husband does somtimes ask why and I do tell him. I think he would like me to show an interest occasionally but accepts that we are happier now than ever. I'm much easier to live with than my old hormone crazed self. I don't think I've asked a question really I'm just wondering is this more common than I think or am I odd?
This is very common, a lot of women lose their desire during and post menopause. As the ovaries stop functioning, our testosterone reduces and this is key for women's sexual desire. Sex can sometimes become painful at this time too but again this can be addressed. Even if you choose to stop being sexual you can still retain the basic intimacy of kisses and cuddles so that he knows you still care!
Tegan
Does anyone remember that film, The Family Way with Hayley Mills? I've been pondering lately as to why sex has never been high on my list of priorities [and isn't even on the list now!]. And it got me thinking back to things that happened when I was young. Not abuse or anything like that. But, I lived with my boyfriend at a time when it wasn't quite the done thing, so, when we were with his family we had to pretend that we had separate rooms in our student houses. Sometimes they would question me about 'my room' and I would go crimson. One time it happened in a room full of people at Christmas and I just wanted the floor to open up and swallow me. Soon afterwards other members of the family lived with their boyfriends and it was all open and accepted. But I had felt embarrassed and ashamed for years. I don't think I have ever got over it. A few other things happened round about that time as well that made it worse eg living in shared houses where the walls were so paper thin that we all heard what was going on in everyones rooms [some of them were very noisy
] and I then felt inadequate. I just wondered how things like that do affect our sex lives as we get older. I did see a therapist once to try to save my marriage but she just said to me after I'd poured my heart out to her 'I think you are feeling guilty'. That was it; no advice just, somehow, blaming me
.As nananew has just said, I do feel that it's part of my life that could have been so different and feel quite sad about it now [and do now feel guilty that my husband hadn't had the marriage he'd've wanted, although things might have been different if he'd just said to his family 'we're living together and that's that' instead of me having to live a lie]. My parents, bless them, much older and more conservative than my ex's just assumed we were living together [as man and wife, as they put it] and just said 'we'll give you £50 when you get married, which we did and they honoured it.
How we are brought up does play a part in all aspects of our lives. It can seem silly when we look back but we often don’t want to disrespect our parents and particularly as you say to admit living with someone in a time when this was rare is difficult. You mention that sadly your marriage ended and, yes, maybe it could have been different, but it takes two people to make a marriage work so you mustn’t feel guilty and blame yourself. We shouldn't have regrets in life just learn from situations and do it differently next time?
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