Difficult daughter-in-laws

Mommie6

You have a problem with your son far more than your DIL.

Don’t make the bags, or guess a number. Too bad if there isn’t enough. You don’t really get to pick any of the things you talked about. Certainly not menus, flowers etc.

I don’t think they have been polite or gracious but stop feeding in to it. Just smile and nod.

Elegran I'm with you. I don't think it's north/south, more what the various families are used to. My family like reading, walking and being by themselves. My husband's family like reading, chatting, meeting people. Neither family is wrong, but you can see where the two grate. As for the PP upthread who said it was a recent thing for men to look after children and help around the house - my father did it and so did my DH. Covering most of the last century. I can see some women might take it all for granted and just paint their toenails on holiday - but others might do a job and most of the heavy lifting at home and holiday is their only breather.

What are you expected to pay for?

Generally the bride chooses her own colours and her own bridal party. That's not on your need to know list. Just because YOU have family traditions does not mean she is obligated to observe them.

our wedding is a need to know basis

Seriously really!!! And you are expected to pay?? Why on earth do you accept this rudeness from your son? You need to stand up for yourself and stop being such a door mat cheeky feckers!!!

I have 2 dils and we get on very well. See the grandchildren frequently and have always welcomed them.

I have 2 dds and would be lying if u said we were not closer so of course my dils are closer to their mums. Especially when there are new babies I completely understand girls wanting their mums more than their mils.

Keep smiling and welcoming but no door mats.

When my youngest son brought his then GF home I gained a daughter, she has fitted right in and I have nothing bad to say about her.

I have a problem. Would like some advice.

Two of our sons is getting married. One that was engaged before the other his bride to be insited that they gave to get married before the other.

In this wedding we are expected to pay for things. However we know nothing I mean nothing about this wedding. Did not know anything like the dresses were bought etc knew no colors. Nothing. Told a week ago to get my dress. The menu. Have no idea. What’s going on. Was told to make guest bags asked how many are coming. Was told it’s none of my business their wedding is a need to know based. We don’t need to know that. So I’m guessing the amount of bags to get. Stressed yes. Went to the shower. The bride introduced. Her bridal party her mom and her moms best friend. I was never introduced. Traditionally. I. Our family. Both families are included in the processional. And dance. ( mother son. Father daughter. ). I’m afraid we won’t be included. But was expected to make 6000 cookies. How do I handle this gracefully.

This girl is in completion with the other bride. She is trying to compare what we are spending on one wedding. We have it fair. Same amount on both.

I’ve been. Nice. Waited for her to say something to me but we only get. “ our wedding is a need to know bases you don’t need to know but feel free to pay for more stuff and maybe you will know more. “.

The first time I met my daughter in law was at arrivals in an American airport. She came up to me, hugged me and said "Oh, my God, you are SO European!" I thanked her and she said "no, thank you, for T." Our bond was made.

We definitely are absentgrana. I remember many years ago when I first became a d-i-l and was absolutely terrified of my m-i-l (still am nervous 38 years later). It has been a difficult relationship but we are are still on good terms I think, I'm not so scared of her now and I have tried to be a good d-i-l. Her own daughter struggles with her so I know it's not just me. But............my experience has encouraged me to work hard at being a 'better' m-i-l. I think I have a good relationship with my d-i-l (even though she and d/s are now separated) but I am determined to stay on good terms - there is my gorgeous g/d to think about too. I see many of my own earlier insecurities in my d-i-l and work really hard at 'putting myself in her shoes' - insecurity and lack of confidence can show itself in many ways - sometimes coming over as cold and unfriendly. I hope we can continue along the same path and even when the inevitable happens (permanent separation/divorce) - I will always consider her to be family

I was having a long chat on the phone to absentdaughter in New Zealand yesterday. She happened to mention certain areas of friction within her NZ family – not, by any means, all to do with her. We then side-tracked completely – as you do – and I started telling her about the comments on this thread (and on others in the past) and warned that one day she is likely to be a mother-in-law and in two or three cases to daughters-in-law. She told me that she was taking notes. So we are definitely doing something good here.

An odd thing in France is that the word for DIL is the same as for 'step daughter' - 'belle fille'. My SIL is my 'beau fils' - rather nice, as he is indeed very handsome!

I think it perhaps should be 'daughters-in-law'. There again, the local dialect here in Fife would be 'guid-daughter' (good-daughter)....perhaps that might not be the right description for some, though !

Granny23 yes! Like "spoonsful" etc.

Yes, I agree G23, though I think I've seen something similar somewhere in Jane Austen.

I am not so sure that it is always the North/South divide. I am from the South and had an excellent relationship with my Fife in-laws. All three of my Scottish-reared children have chosen partners from the deep South, all of whom have become part of our family. It is more likely a personality thing, or a result of the family atmosphere and expectations that they come from.

Pedant alert!

Should it not be Daughters-in-Law in the title of the thread?

Thank you Carol. That has been really helpful. I just needed something to help me contain my feelings and not damage what relationship we have. It is so hard to get close to my daughter in law and we would love her to really feel part of our family. I guess in the end it is this north/south divide. I just feel that she has a down on the north and one day they will want to return to the south. Like you say I am sure my son picks up on what I feel but remains loyal to her.

Sometimes you get an opportunity to become closer when more support is needed in emergencies or when addition practical help is needed, but don't feel you have to keep offering warmth and kindness beyond what you already offer - if she is the type who doesn't have the emotional intelligence to access what is on offer, there's not much chance of her changing. Just keep doing what you are doing and continue to be loving and warm with the family. I had the same experience with my ex-DIL who was always highly critical of my son, and callous towards him, my grandchild and the step-grandchildren. In the end, after years of agonising over things, my son could not take any more of her abuse and left. Her punishment was to deny access between father and son, and for several weeks between me and grandchild. That's just starting to improve but she is still exacting revenge whenever she perceives some small sleight. Your son won't have missed what is happening - he comes from a warm, loving family so is bound to notice her coolness towards you. It may be that it's easier to put up with her than challenge her behaviour and have a cold atmosphere at home. I found I had to brace myself to deal with my ex-DIL, and just accept that's how she was. It was a price to pay for the priviliege of being with my son and grandchild. I did notice that, as her children grew older, they did the challenging and were a lot less subtle than I would have been.

I have expressed before the feeling of sadness that I have when dealing with my daughter in law. She is always polite and we get a lot of access to the children. This is of course because babysitting is needed because of work commitments. She seems however to have no warmth in regard to my husband and I and will never enquire about anything on a personal level, such as asking how we are healthwise. At first I thought it was a cultural difference as she is from the South of England and has had to adapt to living in the north. If her family visit we are never invited and seems reluctant to have us as part of her world. We have a good relationship with our son and I know he would be hurt if I expressed my feelings. However I do feel used at times as we do a lot to assist them but in return are never invited over for a meal or just for a social visit. I do not want the bitterness to grow but just wondered if anyone has any tips for coping with this.

Glad my comment was helpful, carol. I learned the hard way .

I placed my first message today after a sleepless night then worried that we might be identifiable so asked that the message be withdrawn. Full marks to gransnet who did that so promptly. I shall edit more carefully in future. But in the meantime these wonderfully insightful messages have appeared in response. I cannot tell you how helpful it is to have another's perspective. Thank you Carol, Harrigran and Bagitha.

Bagitha you've just unlocked something for me with your post! I am forever treading on eggshells for fear of reprisals from my difficult ex-DIL and now I come to think about it, on the occasions that I've gone ahead and risked incurring her wrath, it hasn't been as bad as I expected. Probably just good luck, because sometimes she lets fly when we don't think anything has been done to upset her. However, note to self, I must do more of this - thanks x

I agree, harri. I have learned through other family situations that when you are dealing with difficult people, it's usually best not to ask for permission to do ordinary things, but just go ahead and do what you think is right at the time. If the child needed a coat and you were able to supply one, that's good. Just do it. Do you really need permission to 'treat' your grandchild to a warm jacket? It could be that the mere contact of a text that she doesn't want is what set off the vitriol.

Grannyjojo I feel for you, as a grandparent it is very difficult to get it right all the time. What we consider normal and acceptable is not always the case with the younger generation. Had this happened to me I would have bought the coat and dressed the child and then told the mother " I wanted to take him out and didn't want him to catch a chill " I hate this walking on eggshells in case we spoil our chances of seeing our DGC but sometimes we have to dance to their tune.
I hope it helps thta you have friends here to talk to.

Grannyjojo a member of my family has been in this very situation, and I'll describe how they have dealt with it, which has worked well. The in-laws supported their son quietly and avoided confrontations with the DIL. They continued to do the same things you have described, such as cleaning up dirty highchairs, ensuring the children had a clean change of clothes, and having the family round for good, nourishing meals when they could. DIL would sit reading in a corner, ignoring her children and family some of the time, shouting at the children at other times, but they didn't challenge her because she is quite a disturbed young woman who can get nasty and they didn't want to rock the boat for their son. In time, the son came to realise that this marriage had irretrievably broken down and he made arrangements to move to another home, which his children live in for part of the week. They now share the parenting and so far it has worked well for the children - it is early days, but the family are all much happier now. The son stayed longer in this unhappy marriage because he feared that she would withhold access to the children if he left, but this hasn't happened. She knows he copes better with the children than he does, and she likes her freedom.

Your son has good family support and his sister to confide in. If he is committed to the marriage, he needs that support to keep trying, but it might help for him to receive clear messages that you will all help him if he decides to leave, and for him to know he will have a home whilst he finds a place for himself and his children to stay when they are with him. You are acting out of fear because the threat of loss of contact with your grandson is unthinkable. That happened to me and my own son earlier this year and it was a very dark time for us. We fought in all sorts of ways to get contact back and for a couple of months we have now been seeing him regularly. Usually, bargaining with what we can offer in terms of financial help and practical support has swung it back in favour of us being able to see my grandson. I hope you are all able to find some resolution to this all too common situation. If only your DIL could accept your family's offer of a warm, loving relationship that includes her, but sadly some people really struggle to access what is on offer to them, and have just never learned how to have loving attachments to people they could trust. Best wishes x

Message withdrawn at poster's request.