Cut out of their lives

Fingers and toes crossed, candle's lit for you Nanban Have you got a possibility of a meeting with your son?

Best of luck to you too Goose at least you have two of your daughters back, so that's a fantastic start.

I've told some of my friends most of my story, but have held back on the latest bit, as I feel its so bazaar and unbelievable and if someone told me I would think "It must be her then!" My son has been pulled into my s.i.l dark world of lies and deceit and doesn't talk to me either. My nice daughter and I cannot understand how he can possible believe s.i.l's lies, but he does!
He txt me over the w/e asking if he could come and collect some things, a pleasant txt, I txt back saying "Do you intend making up with me after such a long silence?" thinking he would say 'yes', he replied "You disowned me. If anybody is doing the making up, it would be you." I phoned him, I apologized and explained, that s.i.l story and mine don't match because he's a pathological liar. I said to my son that if we are not making up, then he can't come round. (He moved out 8yrs ago when he went to Uni, but still stores lots of his stuff at mine)
At the pinnacle of this terrible situation, I phoned my son and asked him to help, by phoning my s.i.l, as they are buddies, he did, but then phoned me back and said our stories didn't match and then went on to call me a liar! He really upset me, wouldn't believe me, so I said "your no son of mine", and put the phone down, so from then my son has been against me as well and wont make-up. (For those who don't know my story,on 'Denied contact', I did and said nothing to my s.i.l or daughter)
Anyway back to my son coming round, I thought he would phone me back and make-up, so as to come and collect his things, but no phone call or txt. I went to work, and whilst I was out my son came round with s.i.l and a female, took all his stuff out, my neighbour was phoning me, but I had my phone on silent. With all the terrible things my s.i.l has put me through, along with the threat of an harassment order, he's the last person I want coming into my house!!
My nice daughter and her partner came round and changed my locks for me and urged me to call the police, but I don't want any more trouble, I did however txt my son to say I had.
So I'm in a bad place right now, with my son taken as well. Its such an unbelievable story, I feel no one will believe me that both my daughter and my son have cut me out of their lives, so therefore my precious GC as well, and I have done and said absolutely nothing wrong! apart from acquiring my s.i.l spiteful jealousy

Nanban good luck x

Nanban
Candles lit,everything crossed,-with you all the way
Love and hugs.

We're right there beside you, Nanban

nanban,

We'll be thinking about you, Nanban. The very best of wishes. xx

Prayers and good wishes winging your way! Good luck

Nanban you will have all of GN behind you

I need for all you lovely people to cross fingers, light candles, say a prayer for us over the next few days - we have been at this place before and nothing good came of it, but like all grans-netters in our shoes, we have to do what we can, hope what we can, do the best we can. The difference this time may just be your influence on the gods.

As the years go on the pain goes and you get on with your life but with the memories always there in the back ground.
That's all I can say from my past experience.

Thank you, Nanban - I know all of us in this situation feel for each other.

Hi Greatnan, if only it were as easy as Juneh says but of course we are in situations where normal and logic and good advice simply don't work. Pride and ego have long gone if ever they existed and play no part. We do the best we can with what we have and for so many of us, so far, no good has come of it.

Addiction can end but only when the addict finally accepts and has the will and all you can do is stand by to pick up the pieces. I so hope that happens for you.

Of one absolute I am sure, nothing is for ever and it's just getting through the days until the day comes. I truly do hold you all very dear.

Juneh, I am afraid all the motivational speeches in the world will not help those of us in this tragic situation. We are not talking about the normal arguments that occur in nearly every family. We have tried everything we can and I hope nobody thinks we are putting our own pride or egos before our need and love for our children. In my case, the enemy is not a difficult partner for my daughter but her addiction. and that is not amenable to love, kindness and reason. Walk a mile in my shoes..............

Otw10413 - what lovely comforting words. How right you are and I am reminded that we have our lovely younger son and he deserves better than grief - he deserves happiness and fun.

And Marelli you too are right - absolutely - we are fish on the line, sometimes pulled in close and sometimes not but captive nonetheless, to be played with when the fancy takes.

I hope that it won't be too long, Goose. And what Otw10413 said really is so right. We shouldn't allow our children to become our torturers. Sometimes they seem to want it to be that way - as if they're dangling a fish on a line.

I thought I'd just slip back into this thread to give an 'update' of the situation with my three daughters (and 2 grandchildren). I have met up with my youngest and in-betweeny daughter's, but my eldest is still digging her heels in and will not meet me, or let my grandchildren meet me. Daughter's one and two have been primed not to give any information to me about the progress of my grandchildren. So, I still feel 'so near, yet so far away' situation

To all of you suffering needlessly as a result of bad decisions our loved ones have made.

I wish you a day full of the sweetest memories of those you love and miss.
They have chosen to go from us, but they cannot take away our ability to love them or to cherish our own memories and the reality of them. We have a duty to live our lives filled with the grace that pure love brings ; we cannot allow our children to become our torturers ; who would want such a thing . For every dark grief stricken wave that you successfully overcome , you will be giving those distant from you now , a life filled with grace not one filled with bitterness , a fine example to bequest to the friends and family who do care .

The reality is so hard , but the fact that strangers here are united in their grief frustration and take the time to comfort one another is in itself a really great strength in this human society; sanity must win and we have to accept that these are the only days we shall have so please have my very good wishes for a wonderful day .

Yeh! Result. Just picking up on the little bit re the best friend who has been cut - a similarity that more than struck a chord - our son too has cut friends who have not completely followed the party line. If you cut out everyone who you know is talking truth and sense but it goes against what you are doing, it is easier to shut them off and not having to deal with the discomfort of knowing what you are doing may be in any way wrong.

Well, I've now had my therapy, that's writing on here, so I'm off to get ready for my work, feeling a little lighter
Love to you all

Hello Nanban and thank you for your kind words, your right about its only grans on here that truly understand our deep sadness.
I did go to mediation, it was excellent for me and I know my daughter would have been up for it and it would have done her tons of good, but sadly they did not show up for that either, it then automatically forwards on to the courts, where I am now, of course you can pull out if you want to.

I must just reiterate on my saying on here; "One minute I hate my daughter for being so cruel and the next I feel deeply sorry for her...." I don't hate my daughter, I hate what she has done and is doing, I love her deeply, always have and always will.

Hello celebgran
Your son 'airbrushing' is the way he copes with this v.sad situation, we all cope differently. My nice daughter is sooo upset about it all, we are both so stressed and becoming ill with it all.

I'm reluctant to say I feel there may have been a bit of a brake-through today. I received a message from one of my daughters best friends on facebook,(which I don't go on much) asking me to contact her, I had thought to contact her before but thought she would have been brainwashed against me, so didn't. She was sooo shocked when I told her, not only did she have no idea, but she also has been shunned, she said it is down to my s.i.l, just from a tiny thing she said to him. She is going to write a letter to my daughter (all other communication failed) being careful in-case he sees it, and invite her to stay with her, so as to de-fog her brain and try to get her back to us all. She was so sorry for what I've been through. So a glimmer of hope, but I doubt my s.i.l will let her visit.

Another little glimmer is that my other (nice) daughter is going up to London to visit my previous in-laws, that I have been friendly with the past 36yrs, (having Xmas dinner together, holidaying, birthdays etc.) even though I've been divorced from their son/brother for 20yrs. Normally I would have been invited to my f.i.l birthday dinner, but s.i.l's poisoned that too. Anyway my nice daughter has said she is going to put them straight once and for all!

Where else is there that shows so much understanding and empathy and it is such a comfort and spur to continuing.

Yogagirl do please keep us all updated with your struggles and every candle is lit, every finger crossed that it will finally work for you and your family.

Nanban it is best way to think well done keep glimmer hope there.

I don't see how our children can wipe out all the years of love and care.

Keep strong positive and smiling x

Celebgran - life would be so very easy if we could switch off parenthood but it wouldn't make us nicer people and when the day comes - and I have to be sure that it one day will - that our children return we will need all that stored up love.

I truly believe - I must - that in the same way, our children somewhere in their psyche cannot 'unlove' us, it is just that something in their lives has taken over and can only be coped with at the expense of cutting us off, but nothing is for ever.

It is all so very very sad.

Yogagirl wish you all the luck for next court hearing.

I did send forms off but they were returned out of date so then got cold feet now my husband refuses to g ahead.

It is ok to try and rebuild our lives but the hurt never goes and the feeling sick inside kind of disbelief is just so very hard to cope with.

We send vouchers now though also take presents over we hope the girls get them but never an acknowledgment.
What I really hate is the fact my so has airbrushed her out of his life and wants to forget he ever had a sister.

it makes part of me die inside.

Like you Nanban we had bad humdinger rows with our daughter at times but we loved her so still do and honestly thought that she loved us!

I would give the world just to hold her and talk to her. Having said that I do deeply abhor how she has treated her parents we never deserved that no one does the last 4 years have been hell.

I can't see a happy ending.

We were a small loving, funny, adventurous family - two boys, who we thought were perfectly lovely. Of course we had the usual ups and downs and some humungous rows, but secure and solid. All that has been wiped away - our son hasn't spoken to his brother now for several years and when I say that to people I see the thought dash across their faces - oh, it may not be your fault after all then. Our son was the bloke you would want on your side to back you up in a tough situation - and there have been some - or just to muck in and help and it was always huge fun even when it was difficult.

If only he would speak to us it wouldn't matter how far away they are, the miles would disappear and they would be heart close. Too sad.