Cut out of their lives

Joan That is such good news.I'm so happy for you.
The ripples spread far and wide in family feuds.The 'denied contact' issue with my son/grandson has also caused a deep rift between my son and his older sister so I have to avoid the subject when I speak to her!! I could bang their heads together!

Really pleased for you, Joan. These things take over our lives until it seems as if that's all there is. No-one in the family seems to care very much about the despairing feelings that drag us right down, until suddenly our offspring start to move on and things fall back into place again. We can then (quietly) breathe a sigh of relief....

Good news Joan a weight off your shoulders I bet

That's good news, joan ! I had a feeling it was getting you down as you weren't posting as much as you used to. I'm so glad there has been a happy ending.

Thanks Carol - yes, we do have these skills, don't we! Sometimes it needs a suppression of ego though...

Result! Joan . I'm so pleased for you. I think some us could resolve a lot of the world's diplomacy issues with all the experience we have between us - it takes some skill to navigate the minefield of family relationships when people start falling out. Great news!

Some good news from me: the rift with my son has finally been healed, and he and his fiancee came to dinner the other night. It was a bit stiff at first, but finally we all relaxed. The whole thing started last August - it took 6 months and no end of diplomacy from me, to resolve it.

In fact, it had cast me down into deep depression: I haven't been terribly successful in the material aspects of life, but I didn't care because I had my family, and I knew our sons were doing OK. But suddenly there was this big rift, my marriage went shaky because of the blame game, and my whole life felt worthless.

I'm OK now, but I now realise that I have to accept that adult offspring, and also spouses, can be arseholes at times, and it is not my fault and not my failure.

The kids are now adults, we got them through university and beyond, they got settled into their homes and relationships, and have their careers. Our parental work is done, whatever happens now.

Not sure Maniac. I have always received a nice reply, but I wonder whether it's an issue that needs more than the usual discussion as it would involve some technical input?

As suggested I sent an email a week ago to GNHQ at [email protected] about linking this thread with
'Denied Contact'
Should I expect reply or acknowledgement?

Yes Maniac ...I think many are just following the 'party line' ...I felt that I was given too many trite/formula type phrases. I don't feel my MP is going to 'debate' anything.

Do you think there is a standard letter or template at Westminster which all MPs use when replying to 'those naggy grans'.The politicians all seem to use use the same vague statements.How can we break through this?

Thanks glassortwo I have sent an e-mail to GNHQ

Good to hear you have had your response Jacey. MPs are gradually getting the message and if nothing else, will be able to argue the case for grandparents being appropriately involved in their grandchildren's lives when debates are held.

Carol ...I have been away, but on returning today found a letter from the House of Commons ...which stated:

“Thank you for contacting me about the rights of grandparents.

This is an area that I believe to be very important. Grandparents and other family members are often the unpaid childminder, cook, taxi driver, nurse, marriage guidance counsellor and overdraft facility. It is estimated that grandparents provide £3.9 billion worth of child care every year.

As you may be aware, The Family Justice Review panel’s final report was published on 3 November and I am pleased that the report recognises and highlights the importance to children of relationships with their grandparents.
The Review recommended that the need for grandparents to apply for leave of the court before making an application for contact should remain. I appreciate some grandparents maybe disappointed about this, but this will ensure consistency with the principle that the court’s paramount consideration must be the welfare of the child.

As I have said, however, I very much support the role of grandparents in their grandchildren’s life and it is important that they are not cut off if their child’s relationship breaks down. I therefore welcome the Government’s commitment to ensure this issue is fully reflected in the process for making Parental Agreements and in bespoke parenting classes for separating parents.

Thank you again for taking the time to contact me.”

I am not overly happy with some of my MP’s ‘turn of phrase’ but have copied his letter very carefully. Feel it is a ‘standard’ response, as I quoted parts of the review to him ...asking for his thoughts/position on aspects of the document... so, yes, I was aware of the final report!!

Yes Maniac these platitudes are worthless - MPs have to put some weight behind this issue. How can we have a PM who is constantly carping on about changing our society, how we have to make a stand against the breakdown of communities and create policies that support and promote families, when they don't take a holistic approach and seek ways that will show families who are separating that they have to put their children's welfare first. It's time to crack on with helping children to exercise their right to have loving relatives remain in touch with them, and support them into adulthood.

Thankyou for pm'ing me the letter from Michael Gove - I could see what you meant - all he did is regurgitate what you had told Liam Fox and give it back to you. Typical MP.

I intend to reply to Rt Hon Michael Gove MP Secretary of State for Education telling him politely that we grans have done our research and know the situation. We know that we can apply for contact through the courts but also know that it is very expensive and protracted with no guarantee of a result in the face of an implacable resident parent until the law is changed.
as you say em What Are They Going to Do About It??
Keep writing and don't let them put us off with all that 'twaddle'

Very interesting reading and I do sincerely hope you are closer to finding a resolution BUT what a disappointing response from MPs. I think the suggestion that they need to be put under more pressure is fast gaining ground. More and more letters telling them we know the situation as it is now and the issue really is What Are They Going To Do About It???

Thanks chadsky it is good to hear how things turn out for other people, and what a turn up for your husband and son. That really is good news. My son has been through the mill but I am beginning to think that we are over the worst now - for one thing, we have become so used to ex-DIL's outrageous behaviour that it doesn't floor us any more, and for another my grandson is 12 in a fortnight, and if we can limp through this last year, we can limp through a few more until he is 15 or 16 and capable of travelling to see us without needing the help of his mother - I am a bus ride away, and one of my daughters is a 10 minute walk from his house.

Good luck with court - things are moving and so many new ways of looking at children's needs are being considered now, not least adoption and being looked after by grandparents. Last night, a friend told me about a mutual friend who is 61, auntie to a child whose mother and father have failed to meet social services requirements that they get their act together with their drug use. Auntie has been encouraged to adopt this child and it is going ahead now.

Hi all - I had a reply to my letter to David Cameron & Nick Clegg - both sent them to the DEPT of EDUCATION !!!!!! ( whats that about) I got such a load of twaddle back - mentioing Grandparents Plus website and Grandparents association, but no help just the matters are dealt with via the courts etc., Anyway the papers went into the court last week. so we are just waiting to her - but some really good news regarding my son, and my husband, they are finally speaking to each other, that will help so much and is at least one less thing to worry about.
Carol the situation rings a bell with me. part of the reason my husband cannot provide evidence of his parenting skills is that he left his first wife, when the children were young, due to her being violent to him ( yes it does happen) he tried to stay but it became untenable. she also made sure that the children would never want to see there father again. but the fight became to difficult for him. as this was the early 70's and men were not seen as the victims then, only the agressors - he has seen his children in later years, but the contact is very sparodic.and not really sucessful even though they now know the truth of what happend. she even belives her own lies now - keep backing your son and lets hope the courts can help him

maniac you could send email to [email protected] or post in tech and someone will pick it up

Not sure how to do that.Help!

manic ask GNHQ they may be able to do something.

Yes, I'd like to see his letter Maniac - thanks, I'll pm you.

How about a message redirecting to this thread from the other one?

I have been dealing with a distress call from my son this morning. Ex-DIL now claiming he has caused my grandson to have psychological problems because grandson got upset when she started packing all his toys away for a house move. She has put up the house for sale this week at a grossly exagerated price (now he has signed a document saying she can have everything), has no chance of selling it in the current climate, and there is absolutely no need to remove grandson's toys, especially as they are things like constructed lego he has displayed in his bedroom, a set up playstation and Wii, and his collections of cars, trains etc that he plays with. She is fabricating problems in order to alienate his father. He is acting on professional advice about this. She will stop at nothing to exact revenge on my son by hurting their child, Disgraceful!

Carol -glad to hear about your letter from MP.My reply on Feb 1st came from Michael Gove (Secretary of State for Education)When did he get in on the act?
He was sympathetic but didn't tell me anything I don't already know (e.g.grandparents can apply for contact through the courts) - blah,blah,blah .
I'll send you a copy in private mail if you like.
In spite of the recent long document in parliament I feel very despondent just now about any improvement in the near future in the face of implacable antagonism and non-cooperation from resident mother.It is a year this week since my son was last allowed contact.

P.S.How can we combine this thread with the 'Denied Contact' in 'Relationships thread.as they are both on the same subject.

Well done Carol

Letter from my MP this morning. He says he has written to the Children's Minister, Tim Loughton about giving a clear message from the government that grandparents can be a huge asset in maintaining stability for children, and will let me know when he gets a reply (he usually sends a copy of replies with such letters).