Cut out of their lives

chadsky I am very sorry for your situation - I know personally the heartache of not being in contact with grandchildren. However, I also understand that the child's social worker will have reasons for not permitting letterbox contact and will, at some stage, have had to justify her/his decision to an Adoption Panel. I am not defending all social workers, but having been a specialist in adoption I do know that decisions are not lightly taken and that often there are factors SW's are unable to disclose - even to family members - for fear of falling foul of confidentiality rules. Age alone will probably not have been the sole factor in making the decision about your GD's placement; amongst others, there are issues about your support network and your interaction with the child's own parents etc. to be considered.
One thing that you can do is to make a written request, asking that you be permitted to send Birthday/Easter/Christmas cards to be held on your GD's file. That way if your GD does ever ask to see her file she will know that you continued to think of her and may be more inclined to get in touch with you. You can also ask to have a photo of yourself included in her 'Life Story' book, along with a caption saying that Granny loves her very much. Small comfort, I know, but at least there is hope of contact sometime in the future.

Social Services deserve to be called SS for short - they too destroyed families. Oh dear Chadsky, the one sure thing about this site is that yes we do know exactly how it feels in every way. Have you tried bypassing the SS and going to your MP - we were told that we could, if mediation failed, go to the family court - at absolutely no cost to us - to get some sort of contact agreement. However, our son and his wife could simply refuse to turn up. I wonder if that's the case with the SS? How could they make such a horrendous decision based just on your age - that is ageism of course and completely without foundation as women in their sixties are actually having babies these days. Is it possible for your to apply for adoption with other siblings stepping in should something awful happen to you?

And yes of course you will beat yourself up looking for some sort of answers, some reason why you are being so heartbroken; you must think there is a magic answer somewhere; you must be able to do something. But first and foremost there is absolutely nothing you could have done to change the course of events, whatever mistakes your son made as an adult were outside your influence. Grieve for your trouble and loss but don't blame yourself.

chadsky are you quite sure legal aid is out of the question..or have you asked on grandparents.org I'm sure you probably have tried everything in your power...my heart is really really sad for you...i very nearly lost my two grandchildren and son for ever....all very last minute....they were about to get on a plane....one way trip!

chadsky, you won't have done anything wrong with your children. We're all very, very good at beating ourselves up over the way things turn out for our families. It's hard to come to terms with the fact that adult 'children' have their own characters. We're there to support as much as we possibly can, but we can't guide them in a way that they don't want to go. The shock and worry of all this is making you grieve for what might happen, but it hasn't happened yet. Get as much information as you can, there'll most likely be some way that contact can be kept. Keep on striving. It's early days yet.

Em - that at least gives me a snatch at hope - but it is difficult - as all the talking is just that - it is not action - but as i sadi a snitch fo hope !

Thanks to all that have posted comments- I really do try to stay positive, and my sensible side, says she will have a good life, but my heart is broken - you see I know how she will feel, I was adopted at a very young age, and the sense of rejection never left - and that adoption did not turn out well - so I know i am biased -It is truly the thought of never seeing her again that breaks my heart - i look at the lovely photos and videos we have of her and cannot stop crying - all the years i will miss I know that may seem selfish - but somone seems to be taking slices of my heart and ripping them to shreds - did I do something wrong with my kids that this happened, what have i done wrong -

I am so sad for you Chadsky. My 2 girls were adopted as babies. One has never felt the need to trace her birth parents, but the other did and we now see her birth mother (and siblings ) as family friends. Another friend traced her family and is now on closer terms with her grandmother than her birth mother (although that relationship is ok) Provide evidence of your love for her to keep (as Carol suggests) and don't give up. My daughter still has the little jacket, bonnet and bootees knitted by her grandmother and the book of fairy tales from her mother. Is there no way that social services or the new parents can arrange ongoing contact? Given your circumstances, I as adoptive mother, would have been open to discussing that.

chadsky, my heart goes out to you. What a wasted opportunity - to give the love that this little one needs - and would get so much of - from her grandma. Try to stay positive and as well-informed as you can about whole the procedure, as it takes place (I'm sure you will, of course). Stay with us, because I'm sure some knowledge will come through for you which will help you. Carol's post may have helped you a wee bit, I hope. Thinking about you.

Gally ahhh, I see, Thanks for that

sandra Put a star each side of chadsky No need to write bold!!!

chadsky I don't know what to say - life is so very very unfair; I too am moved to tears.

GRRRRR........

Sorry, Bold: Chadsky

Bold; Chadsky, I have just read your post and am moved to tears. I'm afraid I can offer no words of wisdom but I so feel for you and can't begin to imagine how you must feel. The ladies on here are so kind and wise and I'm sure just chatting will be an outlet for your feelings.

There has been some talk this week about the senselessness of adopted children being cut off from supportive family members, and apparently a working party is suggesting that even after adoption there should be meaningful contact for appropriate, significant family members. This is because of social networking, as adopted children and parents are meeting up in unmanaged ways that can often go badly wrong.

My sister fosters children from birth with a view to adoption and each time another baby is adopted, the practice develops in an increasingly sensible way. The latest toddler who has just been adopted has lots of information, toys with photographs of family members, and a further contact with grandmother has been arranged - she is too poorly to look after the child but the new parents have no parents of their own and welcome having a grandmother around. I do hope you can work something out, and your grandchild should always know how to make contact with you.

I feel for all of you NANBAN your verse struck struck a cord with me, my darling grandaughter will shortly put up for adoption, the SS decided in there infinite ( stupid) wisdom, we are not suitable to look after her Age etc., and we will then lose all contact with her. As grandparents we have no rights to letterbox contact or anything.
we wil never see her again, and I am heartbroken - I have a little contact at the moment and use every second as i know that will soon be cut off, I to wish I could stop crying, I wish i could talk to my husband but he wont talk about it, my son is not allowed here anymore. I am torn between the devil and the deep blue sea,
But my heart is aching I cannot fight as we do not qualify for legal aid, but cannot afford the sols fees, to try another route, but would that just end up the same.
GRANDPARENTS SHOULD HAVE RIGHTS - WE NEED TO BE HEARD -

You should be the Wicked Stepmother Faye!!!

CarolI loved how you took her off at the Christmas party, it was hilarious. I got great pleasure using his toothbrush to clean the toilet. It was surprising how his little electric toothbrush would make it sparkle!

I used to work with personality disordered offenders and had more success with some of them than I've had with this piece of work!

Having had to deal myself with someone with a personality disorder Carol I would say you wouldn't be too far off the mark. You can't deal with these people, they are a law unto themselves!

She has many aspects of a personality disorder supernana. What I have said on here is the tip of the iceberg.

Did you hear the guy being interviewed yesterday on the radio?
He was from New York. He liked magic tricks and one day just took off with an older friend to a magic convention. Never went home. He was 14. His parents did not know what had happened to him. Made a living out of magic, got interested in the maths behind it, went to night school at 24, got into Stanford (one of the top unis) to read statistics and ended up as a maths lecturer and expert in probability theory and the maths behind card tricks. He did get back in touch with his family after a few years.
What an amazing and unlikely story. It just goes to show that we cannot predict how things might pan out.
I will be thinking of you guys tomorrow. All us grans are hostages to fortune.

Carol There could not possibly be anything more hurtful than the situation you are in. I had no idea that family members could treat each other with such utter mind-warping disdain. The person who is causing you so much distress must surely be "unhinged". Roll on January! Please try to remain calm. In your shoes, I'd be climbing the walls and wailing. Which wouldn't help a jot. ((HUGS))

Hi Maniac and greenmossgiel. I was just reading your posts while responding to the barrage of texts from her that started at 9.30 am, all full of spite and venom, trying to bait my son via me. I ignored the first ones, and they will be transcribed in due course for the court contact applications in January. When her attempted emotional manipulations didn't work, I sent her a reasonable reply, informming her that the remainder of grandson's presents from my extended family were being brought round later, given she has stopped him seeing them all today. Texts stopped for now.....

Roll on the day when she is out of my life!!

Carol, this is such a smack in the face again for you. 'Cruelty' and pure 'spite' are the words that come to mind, just as the others have said. Keep hoping. From the sound of things your grandson will make his own choices very soon, I'm sure. xx