Cut out of their lives

Our lives are a complete wasteland and full of sadness and tears so what did Himself do, bought me riding lessons, and then a horse! The physical work of looking after, the challenge of getting on and riding, the novelty of complete terror, takes you out of ordinary life, and when you spot the magic of your old horse when wobbles his lower lip and talks back, marvellous. Not so marvellous when you fly off and get not a little damaged, but hey, even that was an adventure that I wouldn't have had.

And today, he and I went off on a potter and both did our best. Not good you understand but we communed.

.........never cracked that one, Nanban....

This website is blooming marvellous - offload and get cheered along. What could be better. Therapy also includes a must-have for all grannies - a horse - completely lovely once you've cracked the trick of staying on.

Every day is a new one that will take you nearer to a reconciliation, nanban. We feel for you and are rooting for you, too! Even meeting that lady the other day is a positive thing. Take care, and be kind to yourself. xx

Finding this website rather opened the floodgates - it was so lovely to be able to talk outside our very small circle! But, today I've really got to stop moaning because in the end it doesn't really help and just makes everyone else miserable. So, onward, onward dearies and thank you for all being so patient and nice.

You have your other son and a husband (I assume that is who you mean when you say"we") concentrate on them and lets hope this son meets someone nice. Life for the son you are not seeing is probably not too happy-how can it be with wife like that and lets hope he soon misses being part of a happy family. I can't believe he won't want you to know when the new baby comes. Good luck. Let us know when there is good news.

Countrymouse and Jacey - I didn't want to put my queue lady in an impossible situation - in truth I wanted to pin her to the floor and ask every detail - how did they look, what was our grandson like, does he talk, oh a million things - and if she knew or told us where they are - she would get into trouble for telling us and my DiL would turn it into something poisonous from me. All of those things and more went through my mind in an instant. I hope she will let me know if there's any news but I can't make her. Most of all I want to ask someone who knows her, what they think of my DiL - we know of absolutely no-one who knew her history or knows her now. We live deep in the country and they somewhere in London. It is an amazing coincidence that these two relatives live in a nearby town and even bigger that we met, having met only at their wedding.

But again, quite right, we cannot communicate and we live in daily hope that one day our son will just be there. Our other son doesn't understand how he can bear not being part of what was - we thought - a happy, loving, close little family. Ho hum.

Nanban ...did you think to ask the lady in the queue if she knew where they are living now?

Glassortwo could well be right about the new baby. You would think your son and DILs friends would find the this situation odd to say the least and pass comment. Any chance the lady you met in the toilet queue (there is no greater leveller) could somehow speak to your son.- clutching at straws here- The only other thing I can think of is to just keep quiet, no texts, no phone calls and maybe curiosity will promote a response. Not much of an idea but you have done everything else and got know where

Thanks Yogagran but we are not out of the woods yet as the new girlfriend comes with a huge pile of "baggage" which includes a little girl who we havn't yet met. This partly due to her control freak ex. My opinion of these CFs like Nanbans DIL is that they are very insecure and jealous people. This knowledge does not make them any easier to deal with of course as there is no reasoning with them. I am putting off the day when we meet this little girl which is a shame because she seems to be a delightful child from photos and videos I have seen. I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

We have a very similar situation in our family. In my case my SIL has cut me out of my brothers life and I have 2 neices and a nephew that I can't see. My Mum (a Gransnetter who wants to remain anonymous) sees them once a week, but strictly on DIL's terms and she constantly treads on eggshells around SIL for fear of upsetting her and being cut off from her grandchildren as I have been. She did the same to my Dad before he died and I think my Mum knows that she is just one step away from being cut out if she doesn't 'toe the line'.
I have had to just accept that they aren't part of my life anymore. It has been heartbreaking and I do miss them. My dc (2 boys) miss their cousins too and I find it hard to explain why they can't see them. I have tried everything I can think of to put things right, but I either get accused of 'emotional blackmail' or she twists it round to make it look like I am 'playing the victim', making out I am manipulative and dishonest.
I am a regular on MN and came across this link once, which is the only explanation I can find for her appalling behaviour towards a family who have only ever been kind and supportive towards her.
I know it doesn't change anything but sometimes it helps to understand the reasons behind the behaviour narcisstic paranoia

nanban how cruel for you to find out like that, I really think your DIL has a lot to answer too, maybe a new baby may bring your son to his senses!!

glassortwo - this website is opening up a world I didn't know existed! Standing in the queue for the toilets with my DiLs distant relatives - nice people - I learnt yesterday that she is pregnant again with what would be our second grandchild. When you think you can't be more hurt, whoops along comes something else.

Nanban Its a virtual party that notso has arranged to celebrate a 1000 posts on the quiet place thread,and has started a party thread where we all get together and have a chat and a giggle and cheer each other up, sorry this probably makes me sound as mad as a box of frogs.

glassortwo - re your last message - I have absolutely no clue how that works!

Nanban. Are you coming to the party on Friday celebrating 1000 post on quiet place? We will all have a giggle and cheer you up and have a glass or two

I am really sad to hear the stories on here. It's heartbreaking!
Nanban your son is keeping the lines of communication open by texting. Send him one more text and let him know you are leaving him out of your will, his share will go to his children. I think the time is over for being nice, I know its terrible but maybe its time to let them get on with it. Things never stay the same and you never know what is around the corner. Bending over backwards for them is not working for you.
Your dil sounds like she has a personality disorder. I found out about narcissism because of the behaviour of my ex partner. I wondered why he had no empathy, blamed me for everything he did, never took any responsibility for his actions, lied, was violent, stole all of my life savings, and now is trying to take my share of our property from me. These people have no conscience, its just not there for them. I had no idea of things such as personality disorders (there are quite a few). My experience has certainly opened my eyes to some people's behaviour!

How reassuring Countrymouse that some things can work out well eventually, I'm really pleased for you

I am sure Nanbans DIL is unstable. Normal people would not act like she has. unfortunately there seems to be a lot of these types around. Reading all the other messages from Grans I feel my problem is not in the same league - just my son not turning out to be the kind caring person I thought him to be. This is why I feel he might change his idea at some point. The old cliche that time heals all things may well be true and life has taught me that things work out when you least expect it. Eight months ago our and my sons world fell apart and we were all devasted with the breakup which was like a bereavement, but , he has met a nice girl who adores him and she "looks after" us. We don't need looking after-yet-but it nice that she is so caring. Keep positive Nanban.

More good wishes coming your way right this moment, nanban plus hugs. I just remembered about a time when my sister cut herself off from our parents for a while. She had been very ill with anorexia nervosa for several years, and although she had recovered physically, she had definitely not recovered psychologically and she blamed my father for all her ills. It was most definitely not his fault but part of my sister's illness seemed to involve manipulation of other people — she told different stories to different people and had everyone at loggerheads. So now I'm wondering if your DiL has been unwell. Just a thought. This is such a difficult situation to understand. There are tears in my eyes for you as I write this. xx

Nanban and those others of you who have posted similar experiences ...I wonder if you could create a special memories diary/journal/scrapbook?

In it you could record all the key events of the son/daughter who you've now lost contact with ...make it a very joyful/happy collection of memories ...from birth, Christmas, birthdays, holidays, school, siblings ... all the key events in a child's life ...dig out all the old pictures and add them to it.

Make this the first gift you give your grandchild ...when things become sorted out...so that your grandchild will recognise the love you had for their parent and the love you have kept in your hearts for them too.

baggy and nanachrissy - if good wishes work that would be wonderful so keep them coming! x

Hello glassortwo - your name sounds just my sort! How about a swap? x

I feel so sad after reading all these dreadful experiences. Why do human beings have to hurt each other so much? I hope and pray that things get better for you all.
Take comfort in the fact that a lot of good people are sending love and good wishes to you.

I only hope your family will talk to you again, nanban. All the best and my sincere hopes that things work out positively.