Cut out of their lives

I am very ashamed of myself to have grumbled when I was having a bad day on other posts here on Gransnet, when feeling put upon by my family for the amount of time they expected me to have the GC. When I could so easily be in your shoes and had all contact taken away, I feel so heart sorry for the pain you are all going through and hope there is an early resolve to your problems.

I am also of the opinion that it would do a power of good posted up on Mumsnet.

Me too, I would have said exactly that; did believe exactly that. All I ever wanted was independent boys out there enjoying their lives. Now, today standing in these shoes there are situations and people that are out of the normal and if there were a bottom line it would be a backstop to ensure that lines of communication have to be maintained. Swap places with me for a day and then we could talk again.

nanban, I sympathise entirely with your hurt, as does everyone else on this thread but, speaking personally, I do not feel I have any 'rights' with regard to my grandchild. I can only become involved in his life to the extent that his parents choose. I accept this totally. I should add that there are no difficulties whatsoever between me, my daughter and her partner. They have not had to make me accept this view; I hold it in the depths of my own being, just as I have always held that my children do not 'belong' to me — I am just the primary facilitator in helping them to become independent (hopefully happy) adults capable of bringing up their own children. Of course, even when they achieve that state, I still willingly do anything in my power to help them should they need it and everything in my power to relate to them in a loving way, but I have no 'rights' once they are adults.

You are all so wise and finding this website has been such an eye opener. I thought there couldn't possibly be anyone else with the problems we have. Such pointless waste of the experiences, talent and care of lovely people. If there was some sort of recognition of the importance of grandparents and their rights how different it might be.

Good to know that others think we are doing the right thing. Nanban - I can bet you are not a total failure. I think my son may, in time, change his mind about seeing the boy as he is usually such a softie. This, for me , is what I am upset about-his change of character. We have for the moment reached a compromise and he stays out of the way when the boy is here. Also, you are right. I do fear for the lasting effect on our Grandson as there are, it appears, several people who have just disappeared from his life. How must that make him feel when someone just doesn't want to know him anymore? We also have to be careful not to tread on the toes of his maternal Grandma as she is involved in much of his day to day care and we come along and do "nice" things not the boring old everyday stuff. But this is, of course, because we dont see him very often.

Wise words, greenmossgiel and JessM...

Those sound like wise words from gmg. The DIL's behaviour is probably not about you but about something that happened in her childhood. If you withdraw for a while something could change - she might for instance shift her hostility elsewhere. I hope for your sake and the children's that things will change. It must be terribly frustrating to feel there is nothing you can do to have some control over the situation. Changing what you are doing in the way gmg suggests is something you DO have control over.

Nanban, I recognise the place you're in at the moment. You've tried everything. You are exhausted with it all. This young woman seems to be enjoying the control she has over you, and by making sure that your son and the children aren't contactable either, she's keeping control over the situation, having you dangle by a thread. It's a horrendous situation, and it's not going to be sorted overnight. You're 'grieving' a loss which is caused only by her spite. Would you be able to take a little control yourself, though? Perhaps by accepting that for the time being, things are going to be as they are, and by making an appointment with your GP, explaining to him/her how family problems are making you feel, and ask for a referral to a counsellor. I had to do this last year when a really bad situation blew up in my family. I couldn't cope and had to go to the GP because of quite awful panic attacks. He referred me to a counsellor who was very helpful and helped me come to terms with the situation. Although you 'grieve' and worry nothing is likely to change just now. If you can take control of your own feelings you're starting to win the battle that this young woman has brought about. I'm thinking about you and hoping so hard for a good outcome for you all.
xx

Charlotta - we have done all those things. The poem was on a very black day at the end of a very long road. We have bought DiL treats and furniture she wanted; helped with whatever she said she needed. We lay out the VIP treatment for rare visits; we watch every word and deed and then we get a phone call complaining of something omission or other. We have written loving letters. We have stopped in a layby on a journey to take a timed telephone call. We have thrown theatre tickets away to journey at their request to a park near them to wait for delivery of our grandson for us to see him for a timed half hour. All no good. Low calm voices. No dissent. No criticism whatever. No tears until they go. We have offered for them to come with a third person to sit and talk. No response. And now, we have no means of contact. Sorry to be so negative but there is absolutely nothing we haven't tried or wouldn't try given the chance.

I wouldn't send such a poem to anyone when the atmosphere is so sharged with emotion anyway. Men soon have enough of female emotions and declarations of love. When I was having similar problems with a family member I got professional advice and they said

Imagine all your troubles are cushions which you carry around with you. They are so heavy that you are stooped over.
If you contact your son/ daughter / friend, try to give them a treat like tickets to a football match or a meal out or a concert and DUMP your cushions before hand. At the first meeting remain cool and collected, don't cry and no declarations of love or hurt feelings.
Its hard but it worked. I actually took sofa cushions in my arms and they were heavy with my worries and then I threw them down the stairs.

I apologise if this is not the way forward for you. It seems to be a desperate situation and needs desperate measures but is far too emotionally charged up at the moment. To be honest it sounds as if the family needs profession help and if the son and DIL don't take it some steps then you will have to.

You are always in my thoughts since I read this post.

Hear,Hear!

countrymouse, if anyone suggested to me that I break a friendship with a little boy and his mum, I'd be very angry. I probably wouldn't let them see the anger but the only back-turning I'd do is turning my back on their interfering and unkind ideas. It is none of the new girlfriend's business who your friends are. And if she then splits from your son, what then? Please stick by your 'adopted' grandson., for his sake and his mum's.

please do not believe that Nanban x your not a failure.there are many of us could tell a similar story to you.all decent caring mum's and grandparents. i really feel for you,i have been in your situation too...
i won't go into detail,but i thought i would never see my little boys again...but i did...in the end...i just turned up on their doorstep and took a chance..i heard they were going to another country..which they did.. it's not the happy ending that i would have liked..but i have contact again.

Dear Countrymouse - I've reached a stage now where I think you do what you think is right. Sometimes there is a no-win situation, damned if you do, damned if you don't, but answer only to you and what is right for you. Could it be that if you let these young people down by turning your back, that will have a lasting effect on how they trust people in future?

You will see of course that I've been a total failure as both parent and grandparent so what do I know.

My son parted from his long term girl friend earlier this year. She has a son from a previous relationship who has looked on us as his grandparents for the last five years. His mother, who is not particularly maternal person, we always got on well with, is happy for us to go on seeing the boy although this is difficult as he lives 200 miles away, and he loves to see us. We are now in our 70's but we make the effort and the Mother has made the journey to bring him to us. At first my son was happy to see him but now he is in a new relationship refuses to. This makes things unpleasant which is a shame as we have a good relationship with him too and the new girl friend. The boys' natural father and grandparents have no contact and we do not want to be yet another person who walk out of his life. He deserves better. I think the new girl friend feels threatened by this relationship and feels we should make a clean break. Most friends agree with us but others cannot understand why we want to keep in contact. Of course, as we get older and travelling is more difficult and he grows up and has new interests he will probably grow away from us but at least he will not feel let down by yet more adults. What do others think? Should we turn our backs?

Namban -- take heart . Your story is really tragic ,and having been there myself I know that you have (in the end ) to accept the situation for the sake of your own health and that of your family As I said in a previous posting , contact with 2 of my grandsons was withdrawn 8 yrs ago , but on reaching 16 the eldest made contact and now we see him regularly . I am convinced his brother will do the same one day . So do take heart it can happen -- dont let that awful woman ruin your life , that way she really has won .From what you say you are bigger and better than that ..

I have been away from Gransnet for a couple of days and have just found this. I am sitting here with tears rolling down my face - my thoughts and prayers are with all who are in this position. I am waiting for my daughter and grandson of five and a half months to arrive - I don't know how I would feel if I couldn't see them regularly. My warmest regards to you all.

Nanban and other lovely people who have had similar experiences...I have tears rolling down my cheeks reading your threads...especially the first.
My heart goes out to you and I cannot imagine your pain.
I am so lucky being able to see my GC whenever I want to and give them loads of love and affection.
I hope and pray that one day you can get your son to see sense and be your son again.
You will be in my thoughts every time I hug my GC. xxxxxxx

absenteen - it all sounds so familiar and this website is a marvellous vent for feelings. My heart goes out to you.

nanban, your poem hit a raw nerve I have a very similar problem so i know how your heart bleeds. I am luckier than you in that i do get to see my gc sometimes and i have to take what little i get. My daughter has changed since being with her partner, he doesnt like me now but did before my first gc was born then everything changed and he blamed me for any little thing. My daughter never stands up for me we dont discuss it because we end up in tears. She rarely sees her sister or any of her family, its always his family. He wont face me or say why he doesnt like me he just picks up on things and twists them. I am seperated from my husband and he told my daughter that he couldnt understand how she could still love me after i left my husband. He would never be able to love his mum or forgive her. But i had a good relationship with my daughter but i think between him and his family she is being turned against me. I am sorrry i dont have any answers for you but i do know how you feel, how you miss out on all the things that other nans take for granted, i too have written to my daughter and wrote a little note for my gc with her christening present but i am sure that that would have been binned. The many hours i have cried and worried over them all. I would feel happier if i thought my daughter was happy but we dont think she is. My heart goes out to you and i too have found this a help. I have started to write things down and one day i think i will give it to my daughter so perhaps can see the hurt she has caused. Dont give up i live in hope that things will change, please keep up your blog it may help you not feel so lonely. Take care, thinking of you xx

I agree completely with Baggy, I just don't know what to say. Take care xx

nanban, I have also read this thread and gone away again just not knowing what to say except that I am sorry, so sorry for this heartache. I hope things will mend. xx

I am sorry Nanban ... some of things I was going to suggest while reading through this - you have already tried. So I've been away ...and come back.

Would it be possible ...when it is getting close to either son's birthday, for the younger son to send a text suggesting they get to together for a celebratory lunch? Could be suggested for a working day ...so limited time and could therefore just be the two of them?

Naturally, you and your husband are very distressed by everything that has happened ...please take care of yourselves. Have you thought about seeking advice from CAB?

God Bless

Oh Nanban, I really feel for you. Do you have supportive friends in real life to share this with?

Bless you, Nanban, and all the very best of wishes. It'll all come right in time. Meanwhile, try and be kind to yourself.