Gransnet forums


Zip It! Wait until you are asked!

(8 Posts)
dontcallmegramps Tue 25-Oct-11 15:57:20

Ok - as has been established 2 GDs with S+DiL... And D only just last week announced expecting 1st baby.
Lovely - really happy for her and her husband.

Myself and the Doting Grandma have always been hands off, what the S and DiL want for their children is up for them. Never ever say a word unless asked.

Here’s the thing.

S and DiL seem to be taking the attitude that they are MORE than “the Uncle and Aunt to be”.
Ever since they had their first child they have been nagging our D “ when are you going to have baby... why haven’t you? ... you ought to get on with it”

We have always taken the attitude “if they want to -in their own time”
We happen to know from the D that ( in the style of the great Len Goodman) “my brother is really getting on my wick about babies”.

Our D gave us the news and then the next three hours were taken up with “what are you going to...” “you should do this and that”, “not do this or that”, “ I have a book I will give you”, “when is the...” et cetera et cetera... A nonstop torrent.
They seem to think themselves the “co-parents” of our D’s baby.

S and DiL have very fixed ideas that there is a wrong and right way to do things – not helped by the fact that DiL was a midwife/health visitor -and a trendy one too.
Totally on message with the latest current theories, able to quote this and that research verbatim, a mum to be who loved arguing with her obstetricians and midwives that they were not “doing things right”.

To hear her sometimes you would wonder why there are nearly 9 billion humans on this planet –as no woman could ever have given birth before the latest advice from the “Royal College of Telling Mums How To Have Babies”.

Already the campaign for our D to have a home water birth ( “just like us - we can lend you our pool”) has started!

More to it as well, we know that our S was madly hoping that his second child would be a boy and instead got a second girl ( DiL has emphatically stated “that’s the lot”).
Should our daughter have a boy OMG the possessive interest/envy will be huge...

D and SiL are mature intelligent people .
SiL has the experience of a baby sister being born when he was 16.
D has a big circle of school and university friends and all of them (she is the last of the group) have had children, she can draw on a lot of different experiences ( some good -some bad 2 of her girlfriends had difficult births and nearly died, Post natal depression, there has been an IVF mother, a miscarriage etc etc).

D and SiL don’t need telling what to do.

At some point I fear either myself or the doting Grandma will have to say “back off” and that won’t be fun.

HildaW Tue 25-Oct-11 16:12:51

Good Heavens, are there people realy like that? Its THEIR life, THEIR baby. I would not have presumed to ask either of my girls about anything to do with their lives. I see my 'job' as listening when required and then offering help/advise etc IF asked. I might go out on a limb at a birthday present or something trivial but apart from that its up to THEM!

I'm not sure a 'Back Off' will be suffcient if these folks are half as bothersome as they sound........more like a bumping on the head!

Good luck my dear...sounds like you need it.......sorry I cant offer any advice...hardly my place ( wink ) but can quite honestly say I think they are showing a rather modern (I'm sorry to say) lack of good manners. As you quite succunctly put it.....back off till you're asked

Jeany Tue 25-Oct-11 16:21:01

What a difficult situation but I feel it would only be made more complicated (and worse) if you and your wife get involved. Why not let them sort it out for themselves. Good luck!

Elegran Tue 25-Oct-11 16:26:57

At some point D and SiL will explode and tell them to MYOB. Perhaps the sooner it happens the better, before too much head of steam has built up, and it can be still be managed (relatively) amicably.

Meanwhile, keep out of the line of fire. I don't think you can do much good here, you will be told to MYOB in your turn.

HildaW Tue 25-Oct-11 16:33:47

Jeany and Elegran...Good advise of course.

dontcallmegramps Tue 25-Oct-11 16:36:33

Well yes Jeany - we hope that it will calm down perhaps.
But we could already see that our D was looking somewhat browbeaten by that first 3 hours.

She's easily upset by arguements and tries to avoid them, and we feel that if things go on we are going to have to "take her side" and we don't want to take sides between S and D.

Note on the DiL ! she once sectioned (under the mental health act).... her OWN mother! So that's who we are dealing with!

Don't get me wrong -I like her, she's a lot of fun ( though she is the most notorious cheat at family games ), she has many very good qualities and is a good mother to her OWN children - but as I once said to the Doting Grandma "I'm not letting her (the DiL) be anywhere near my life support machine"

HildaW Tue 25-Oct-11 16:40:52

Dontcallme, you certainly have your hands full. In all seriousness, there are these folks who have jolly thick skins and feel that everyone should have the benefit of their knowledge. I was not being flippant when I said I do see it as a breach of good manners. We should not go out of our way to make people feel uncomfortable. Brow beating anyone with your points of view is not a kindness, in many ways its a form of bullying. I do hope you and your wife can cope with this and begin to enjoy expecting another wonderful event.

gracesmum Tue 25-Oct-11 16:55:10

Tell them to back off - and reassure D that you and Granny to be will keep to your own corner unless asked to do otherwise. She might welcome a bit of moral support, new mums/mums to be are so vulnerable and understandably want to do the best for their baby. S and DIL need to be told gently but firmly that advice may be requested, but D needs to be left to enjoy her pregnancy/birth/baby in her own way.
(But a water birth for a first baby? OMG!!!, better save the pool for a paddling pool!)