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Hostilities between DS's

(95 Posts)
Yummygran Wed 04-Jan-12 17:07:02

Help I don't know what to do!

Boxing Day was meant to be a happy gathering of my two DS's and their respective partners, each with a little DD. It all began well, but my eldest made a 'helpful' comment to his DB about their 2yr old's potty training mishaps whilst in my house and his SIL took exception to it and made a derogatory comment about his DD, not being the 'perfect' child and how she wouldn't ever listen to 'his parenting skills'.

This caused my eldest DS to try and frog march her out of my house, which then erupted into a fight between both DS's. I quickly put a stop to it and everyone left, but it was so upsetting. My eldest DS and his SIL have never got on and he can't understand why I tolerate her when she has caused so much trouble in the past between me and both my DS's. She is rather a difficult person to get on with despite my various attempts in the past, I have always tried to treat her the same as my other DIL but she seems to be very jealous of my other DS and his partner, and often makes unkind comments.

Since this happened I have hardly heard from my younger DS who thinks I have taken my eldest DS's side.

Both have vowed never to speak to the other again, and their DF and I are at our wit's end to know how to handle this without taking either side or losing touch with the lot of them, which would break my heart.

Any suggestions would be very welcome.

Yummygran Thu 26-Jan-12 10:34:44

Latest news! My eldest son's partner gave birth to a beautiful little boy on Tuesday morning 6lb 12oz Oscar Huw. We are thrilled. Though new contact between sons, the youngest has contacted me for news and an update because the little one was put in an incubator after it was found his temperature had dropped significantly when a few hours old. I managed to get him to text 'congratulations' which he did but nothing more.

Carol Thu 26-Jan-12 10:39:48

Congratulations yummygran and welcome to baby Oscar! A bit of progress there, too - hope it continues for them thanks

GoldenGran Thu 26-Jan-12 10:43:16

Congratulations yummygran, maybe baby Oscar'sarrival iwill ease things between the brothers.

Libradi Thu 26-Jan-12 10:44:22

Congratulations on the arrival of your new grandson yummygran! Hopefully this may build a bridge between your sons. They obviously care about each other really. thanks

bagitha Thu 26-Jan-12 10:46:41

Congratulations on the new arrival, yummy. thanks

Butternut Thu 26-Jan-12 10:51:08

Nothing like a new baby to break down a few barriers, yummy. Congrats. smile

Faye Thu 26-Jan-12 10:53:40

Congratulations yummy on the birth of Oscar. thanks

nanachrissy Thu 26-Jan-12 15:07:10

Congratulations Yummy babies are gorgeous. thanks

Yummygran Thu 26-Jan-12 17:18:38

Thank you for your good wishes. Yes nanachrissy they are SO lovely, I wish they stayed tiny for a bit so we could make the most of them, but alas they grow so quickly. They took him home today and I can't wait to see him again at the weekend, for a lovely cuddle. smile

glammanana Thu 26-Jan-12 18:00:16

I am so pleased to hear about little Oscar how lovely for you and your family,I hope every thing is well with mum and baby. Congratulations to everyone.thanks

greenmossgiel Thu 26-Jan-12 18:12:06

Oh Yummygran - what lovely news! A new baby in the family can build bridges! thanks

Yummygran Fri 27-Jan-12 10:21:42

Oh I hope so greenmossgiel, there is no sign at the moment though, apart from a one word text 'congratulations'! and a 'thankyou' reply. but here's hoping!. I'm very frustrated, I am full of cold so can't risk passing on my germs to little Oscar. So not visiting this weekend.....sad

glassortwo Fri 27-Jan-12 10:40:45

yummy congratulations on your new GS, so disappointing having to wait for your cuddle thanks Its amazing the bridges babys can build, fingers crossed!

bagitha Fri 27-Jan-12 10:50:32

If my brothers (three of them) are anything to go by, yummy, those texts are at least half way back to normal relations, and as far as I know my brothers have never even fallen out!

Greatnan Sat 28-Jan-12 07:54:12

I hope you are soon well enough to cuddle Oscar, yummy. Could be there is a slight thaw in the cold war?

Carol Sat 28-Jan-12 08:27:24

That small exchange of textx was an ice-breaker yummy. No-one can resist when a new baby arrives on the scene. Hope you get rid of your cold soon so you can be with baby Oscar x

Yummygran Sun 29-Jan-12 15:30:39

There has been no more contact between brothers since the 'congratulations' text. I haven't seen Oscar since the day he was born, so can't wait until next weekend when I can travel down to see him and have a long awaited cuddle. I'm having to make do with pictures. sad

JessM Sun 29-Jan-12 16:11:06

Frustrating for you. It will be lovely when you get there.

gracesmum Sun 29-Jan-12 17:31:18

What nice news- congratulations thanks and fingers crossed the bridges are going up again!

Yummygran Thu 16-Feb-12 11:57:46

Update on hostilities!

Things are still the same, there has been no contact between sons, even when DS1's new baby arrived, a card was pushed through the door that's all. DS2 doesn't ask about his new nephew and says he isn't interested. His partner is angry with me because she thinks I favour DS1, all because I didn't rush outside when they left after the fight. In fact I was following them with my grandaughter's teddy, shoe etc when my partner pushed me back inside and went after them, he told me to go back indoors as I was upset and he would make sure they were OK, which I did, but that doesn't mean I was taking the other son's side!!!

I don't know what to do, DS2 and partner don't want me to have my little granddaughter to stay anymore in case I take her around to see her Uncle/Cousins or they pop around to see me when she's with me......

Please Gransnet what can I do, I am at the end of my tether....I just don't know what to do!

absentgrana Thu 16-Feb-12 12:06:20

The dreadful thing is that this all such as storm in a teacup Yummygran. It's difficult, too, with the lines of communication so blocked. Somehow, you need to get through to Son 2 and his partner that what they are doing is punishing you and their own daughter for an argument between them and Son 1 and make it clear that this is far from fair. Maybe they have no idea how distressed you are about all this and you need to make that clear too. Certainly something needs to be done to heal the ever-widening gap between Son 2's family and you. It might be best to work on sorting that out, leaving the differences between Sons 1 and 2 to one side for the time being. I wish you well.

Ariadne Thu 16-Feb-12 12:08:50

Oh dear, yummygran! How sad this is, especially after the joy of little Oscar's arrival. You must feel torn apart.

It feels like one of those situations which other Grans understand better than I do, but the grief you are feeling I can empathise with. It's part too of the frustration that, when these children of ours are older, we can't do anything to make them see sense in the way we could when they were little. So we feel powerless.

Have you written to them, explaining what you have explained so clearly here? Just a thought!

I know other Grans will have more ideas, but meanwhile ((( hugs)))

Carol Thu 16-Feb-12 12:14:20

I would agree with absent. Punishing you and your grandaughter is not the way forward. Some bridge-building with Son 2 and partner is called for, and if you can make a temporary agreement that you will respect their wishes and only have their daughter to stay when Son 1 and family are not around, perhaps that will tide things over. Presumably, you would still be able to visit your grandaughter? Keep both sets of relationships ticking over, and you may need to accept that it could be some time before they are re-united. Sadly, it is often when a family crisis like a bereavement occurs that people put their differences aside, and if they could understand that they should not wait for somthing disastrous to happen, perhaps they will ease up a little.

It does sound as though both couples need a way to save face, as they are becoming entrenched.

supernana Thu 16-Feb-12 12:34:07

Yummygran I'm feeling terribly sad and utterly frustrated for you. None of this is your fault. You must have such a heavy heart. In your position, mine would be on the verge of breaking. I would gather my thoughts, sit down with paper and pen and express my feelings of sadness and despair without mention of "who did what to whom..." and send to the parties concerned. After which, I would keep very quiet, sit tight and WAIT. Please, may they forget their hostilities and see sense. The sooner, the better. A big ask - but!

Yummygran Thu 16-Feb-12 14:03:13

There are two issues at the moment, the fall out between sons, but also the relationship between Son 2's partner and I, which has worsened because of this. She has always thought I favour my older son. I've tried to explain I don't, but he invites us to visit whenever we want, and includes us in events with the in-laws, with whom we get on well. Son 2's partner has never invited us to their home, never even offered us a coffee! As I live about 60 miles away from both families I can't just pop over.

Supernana your advise is good I think I will write to Son 2 and his partner and explain my feelings, that way hopefully it will avoid confrontation.