Fallen out with my eldest son

Wendy H - who is to say you were a ' bad mother' - It is not only mothering which shapes an individual, - there are so many other factors - genetics, - personality type - external influences, etc, - All of us can only ' do our best' as mothers.

I know fine well that there have been times when I could have done MUCH MUCH better- and my son and I talked in the past about things which could have been better managed by me, but still maintained a close relationship -

He was always very susceptible to the influence of others, - therefore when BANG along comes a very ' damaged' lady into his life, who is strong and manipulative - he rolls with her demands - even to excluding me from their lives !
And no, similarly, I would never have seen this coming! -
but what is interesting, is how many SONS disassociate themselves - It is difficult in many cases to find the right approach as a Paternal Grandparent - and often ( as in my case) a TOTAL disaster - however, you must not beat yourself up about it. I don't actually know how to find peace of mind at the moment, but somehow, I guess eventually we find a level.

Take Care

Angela

This is all dreadful to hear. My heart goes out to you all with these family problems. I think you have every right to do exactly what you want with your money and property especially when you have worked hard for it.

I can't be more grateful that our extended family of over 50 all get on with very little animosity, to the point that we have cousins days once or twice a year and are encouraging the younger members to come along and join in cos we know that after our generation, the family is spreading further and further out across the globe. Thank goodness for the Internet so we and they can keep in touch.

There were problems in former generation caused partly by my mum and I think we have all decided we will not go down the road of nit picking over small perceived injustices and words said in carelessness or anger.

I have one DiL in Canada and so far so good. One son in law who is pure gold.
One son is single and a bit lackadaisical about getting in touch but a verbal kick up the jacksie usually gets me a nice lunch!

I wish all families could just sit down and work it out, these things are usually small matters in the scheme of things but people seem to be so angry about things that happened years ago.

I am very sorry for you I wish I could help.I know how difficult it is to be let down by a member of your family.

SO GLAD to help in any way please p m me if you need to sound off or talk at any time!!

yes think we do seem to have been there both of us!!

we still send presents to our little ones and is very hard to get no acknowledgment especially when our DD sends thanks to her godmother it seems to twist the knife!!

still we carry on!!

Thank you Celebgran for your kind words, I know you understand and your support is really welcome.

Talk about been there got the T shirt, think you and I have the wardrobe.

Many Thanks xx

Wendy you were not a bad Mum I am sure no more than I was, we only found out about our new grand daughter from a old school friend of our daughter, so feel for you try be strong and focus on each other and what you have!! x

Just an update on my son who started this thread -we know he has moved without telling us, but we now believed they moved because they have another child we think a son.
We only discovered this because we found the selling details for his house and saw a blue cot in their room!

Can't believe that I could have been so bad a mother !

thank you Nanban, that is what my family have told me it is definitely her problem, but still hurts like hell!!

life goes on and we certainly enjoy ourselves just a huge gap where her and my grand daughters should be.

grannygrace I did a reply but not sure where it went!!

We are only going by the facts ie s i law is one who went to police each time and told my husband he was not welcome when he visitted for my daughters 30th and she argued with him about wanting to see her Dad, s i law still turned him out of house and they went sit in car!!

so you get the picture. If we were ever able to rebuilt relationship then I would have to pay lip service to getting on with both of them to see my grand daughters as the way my daughter has behaved I am not very proud of her at all.

They would not have house to turn my husband out of without his hard earned cash we gave them towards deposit!!

sadly we have no real idea of the cause of this rift just what my daughter cruelly says about my health, however she has cut off her entire family so it does smack of some sort of controlling thing by her husband, but we do not know.

Its a terrible situation for any grandparent,but is it wise to place blame at the son in laws door.Can you be sure its him behind this awful scenario. Maybe he is just doing what most husbands do and defending his wife, after all he has a duty to stand by his wife,he is stuck between a rock and a hard place after all. I am only saying this because if the day comes and you repair the relationship with your daughter, what will your attitude be towards the S.I.L. This could be the catalyst in reforming a bond. As for cutting your daughter out of your will,if you re build your relationship,which I hope you do, how will she react to this news. Act in haste repent at leisure surely.

Oh dear anneandgraham - what a terrible situation for you, there is such pain in every word. You can only go from one day to the next and one day it must change for the better. Your daughter, in blaming your depression, is just trying to find something to hang her behaviour on and that is her problem, and definitely not yours. Thinking of you and hoping for change.

Oh Wendy H I know exactly what you mean, it has been goingon since Feb 2009 nearly 4 years.

How she could have another babe and not tell us broke my heart, especially all the support i gave her trying for first one she had polycystic ovaries, and to fall again and not even tell us!!! We heard from an old school friend of hers who no longer sees her, even she is disgusted by her.
We do blame her husband a lot, he had an harassment warning issued to us in the first year, and we are in process of trying to get if lifted with our mp helping us.

I too cannot find any excuse or reason for what she has done, and thank you for kind words, I am very fortunate in that I have coped without any medication just herbal quiet life now and again, my doctor offered me anti depressants at first, but my counsellor who I had for year 2 years ago now said I did not need them, and it would not help, he was right.
Sometimes I feel I CANNOT BEAR IT expect you been there, but we have each other my husband is fantastic, and we have a lovely son too, and great friends, so life goes on.
I totally agree the support form people on these forums can really lift your spirits, please do keep in touch yes we must support each other and keep smiling!!! x

Oh Anneandgraham, my heart goes out to you. I do so know what you are going through.

You sound like us and do all you can to support your children. I don't know what to say. I am sure like me you question all you have ever done to see where it went wrong, but you will never find out. It's two separate people viewing the same situation but from different perspectives.

Don't take on board that your depression has anything to do with this, it's an
illness nothing more,. I can't find anything nice to say about your daughter,I am afraid.

How long has this been going on I too do not know my youngest grandchild.

Hang on there, I have found this site invaluable in allowing me to vent my feelings, the support from strangers has been amazing, but frightening to see so much heartbreak . Thinking of you

so awful reading all the above posts, WendyH I suspect you do still love your son but just do not like him for what he has done.
We have gone through so many emotions!!

I miss my daughter as she was, I have bags full of loving cards and letters fromher right up to the estrangement, and it just breaks my heart.
It all started with a text message I read from her best friend running me down.

We never ever discussed it, to my dying day I will regret telling her about it, I I could turn back time!!
We had a firery relationship and like you WendyH our daughter was different after uni, we supported her for 4 years to study phamacy like her Dad.

We helped her buy her home and supported her with wedding I went with her and bought her wedding dress!! I also supported her with fertility problems, paid for specialist and went to see him with her, is hard to know where I went wrong.
She says it is my personality and because I suffered from depression that I will be a threat to my grand daughters.
It is beyond distressing that she could say that.
sorry to bang on I was trying to make you feel better Wendy H!!

so so sad to hear that Wendy H our life has been a living hell due to our daughter cutting us out of her life and her entire family, godparents the lot.

We have our first little grand daugher and new one not seen and it hurts all the time.

It is only natural to feel that way, my husband has cut our daughter out of our will, we still have our little grand daugher in it, but not the one we never seen, tho of course I love her too.

is so so hard, and I can imagine my daughter moving if she could as we have no phone no. for her she went ex directory and changed her mobile neraly 4 years ago.

I so feel for you.

Wendy -you say your son was different when he came back from university. Could it be that his ideas on certain important subjects such as politics and religion had changed? Do you still agree on those things? Many young people embrace radical views when they are away from the home environment. Some older parents might have conventional views on things such as race, homosexuality or recreational drugs, which their adult children no longer share. I am just guessing, but I have seen this happen in many families. If his partner also holds different views from you, he may feel obliged to agree with her.

Nanban I feel for you. You are so right it is impossible to imagine that our children can do this.

I do so agree that telling them you are changing your will seems like blackmail, but like you as we no longer know where he is it is all a bit easier.

I feel he has made the decision for me. My husband was rushed into hospital last week and I was really upset to think that had the worst happened he would never know.

Hang on in there, i will always be happy to listen and share with you how hard it is.

Maxgran - we none of us can foresee dreadful things happening but sadly they do no matter how secure we may feel, or what efforts we may make. I am so sorry Wendy - we are 2 years down the line of separation and can see no end to it - our son has moved countries and we have no clue where they are, no means of contact. And, no, we could not in a million years have seen that coming. I see no reason why your son should benefit from your deaths when he has destroyed your peace.

Hi Wendy H. I am having the same thoughts at the moment. I decided the majority of what would have been his share will go to the children but still retained a smaller portion for him so he is not totally cut out.

Maxgran We used to have a really close relationship when he was young, but on reflection he was very different when he came back from University, and did not seem to be part of the family. Also our circumstances changed then and my husband took early retirement so family life did alter. But there were not traumatic incidents or events.

I honestly don't know what triggered it all off, I do wish he had spoken of his resentments, but it is all too late now. Of course if he wanted to come back into our lives it would be great, but I would find it so hard to forgive. Is n't that awful.

There were cultural clashes with his wife but if they had just talked to us and listened to our point of view and considered our way of life maybe it would have worked out.
I would like to say how much talking about this has helped, it has been so good to get it out with any judgements from other people. Thank you everyone who has take the time to talk.

Wendy,
Did you have a good relationship with your son before he married or had children?
I find this difficult because I could never envisage my son cutting me out of his life despite the fact we have disagreements and I could never have cut my mother from my life and she was an extremely difficult and often nasty woman!
It sounds like communication may always have been a bit difficult between you all. For your son to write a list to present to you shows he had been bottling up resentments for a while.
Peoples anger usually comes from pain. Its very sad.

One thing I do disagree with people doing, is taking grandchildren away. I think a grandchild has a right to know their grandparents.

Nanban
feel for you but glad you have had the courage to alter your will,hard as it must have been for you it helps me a complete stranger.
Be strong.

I am so very sorry for you all - done that, been there, got the T-shirt and for sure we don't give up, we try and try, but nothing makes a difference. We too have changed our Will - we also wondered whether we should let our son know so that he isn't relying on anything, but that would have seemed like blackmail, so didn't. The thought of our DiL benefitting from the family she has destroyed is simply unacceptable.

I have read all these sad stories of estrangement here and on different threads and am always saddened. I cannot imagine how sad I would be to be in your situations. My DD2s OH is partially estranged from his mother. I am not sure what exactly caused the rift originally but he left home on his 16th birthday. He has made contact since and I met her about 8 years ago when my DD2 was four month pregnant. When my DD said she was pregnant all she said was 'Yes I heard'. MiL made no effort to contact again and never asked about the baby again. She has seen DGD1 once at a christening of her other DGC but never sends a card/ present or makes any contact at all. Very recently her husband (they were separated) became ill and needed care . The family rallied round and my DDs OH did his bit for his dad too but his mother , apparently, only criticised when she saw him. Sadly his dad died last week and the funeral is soon. My DD will go to the funeral as she was fond of her FiL but she says she will find it hard to even be civil to her MiL . I have urged her to be polite!

Annodomini - Thank you for your advice, it's good to hear how other handle similar problems.