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To expect this man to be less selfish?

(29 Posts)
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Greatnan Sat 15-Sept-12 19:11:55

Welcome, Dresden. I had to bite my tongue for seven years when my daughter fell in love with a man 20 years older than her, who moved into her house and sponged on her. She had two children by a previous relationship and he made no effort to bond with them. She then had two children with him but at last she had enough of his selfishness and threw him out. Very soon after, she met her lovely husband, who was half his age and a foot taller! They have two children now, and he has been a wonderful step father to the other four.
She knew how all the family felt about the older man but I managed not to criticise him too much because I knew she would feel obliged to take his part and I could lose her and her four children. Ironically, very shortly after she split with him, his mother died and left him a house worth several million pounds! He has paid the same small amount of maintenance for his two daughters for 16 years, and my daughter was too proud to ask for more. Now they are both at university/nursing college he pays them £400 a month each. They have to visit him in France or Australia each year (he has houses all over the place) and pay their own fares. One girl lives in England and one in New Zealand.
I absolutely loathe him because I saw him destroy my daughter's self confidence, but she says she does not bear a grudge and won't criticise him to his daughters, although they are now fully aware of his failings (he is an alcoholic).
I am afraid I think you will just have to sit it out and be ready to give her all your support when she finally sees through him. I agree that if you tell her what you think of him she will almost certainly resent it and defend him.

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Bags Sat 15-Sept-12 19:00:27

Mid-twenties is still very young, dresden. She has time to realise that perhaps he's not quite the one for the permanent fixture. Wishing her all the best.

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harrigran Sat 15-Sept-12 18:58:56

Welcome Dresden you are right not to voice disapproval, that only makes them more determined to make the relationship succeed. If your DD is young then she still has time on her side and do not underestimate the power of her hormones, when her body clock is ticking and she is being denied the one thing she wants, she may leave the relationship and find a like-minded partner.
I send you my best wishes, I have a DD who decided she did not want children and I have had to accept that. smile

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Dresden Sat 15-Sept-12 18:50:16

Hi, I'm new to GN, but have been lurking for a while, reading about other people's dilemmas, and learning quite a lot in the process.

I am feeling so cross about dd's relationship with her boyfriend/partner. They've been together for about 3 years. She's in her mid twenties, but he is a lot older and has been married with a couple of dc. He's a well educated man with a good job and perfectly pleasant to talk to. The problem is that dd has made so many sacrifices for him, trying to make their relationship work, but he seems to be in a co-dependant relationship with his ex. The ex simply has to crook her little finger and he comes running, no matter what he has arranged to do with dd.

It's becoming increasingly obvious that the b/f will not ever feel able to put dd first. They will never get married apparently because he can't do that to his dc. I don't think he has any plans to have any dc with our dd either. Why does she put up with it, and how can a mature and allegedly intelligent and sensitive man take such advantage of a much younger girl? We are sure she would love to be married and have dc in due course and it nearly broke our hearts when she announced that she didn't think this would ever happen. She's so young to give up her future in this way.

Of course we all accept that the b/f has a duty towards his dc and must put them first at the moment, and that is not a problem at all for dd, but it seems that he has not been able to break his emotional ties with his ex and always prioritises her needs, even in front of those of his dc.

I know that compared to some of the problems I have seen on here, this is not such a big deal. DH and I keep saying to each other "at least there are no grandchildren to worry about" and "lots of people make mistakes, especially when they are young" but we are still hurting so much for dd. We keep hoping that she will have the strength to walk away from this man as he is plainly in a total emotional muddle and really has nothing to offer dd except sadness.

We keep wondering how this happened, what we did when dd was young to make her feel that she needs to sacrifice herself in this way. She is a lovely, attractive, intelligent and caring girl who is deeply loved by us and the rest of the family and she has always seemed so strong and capable. Maybe she is just too nice and too ready to help lame ducks over stiles?

We really don't know how to help her. We don't think it would be productive to just advise her to walk away and to criticise the b/f too much. So far we have just listened and we always tell her we will support her decisions whatever. Also that we love her and are proud of her. She has always been very stubborn and hangs onto her dreams long after everyone else has realised that they are never going to come true.

Any advice from anyone who has seen similar situations would be much appreciated.

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