Is this all there is?

Why are elderly people obsessed with keeping busy,if I am not busy then I must be lonely and if I am lonely then I am unhappy, not a bit.I have been on my own now for 5 years or so, initially my first instincts was to replace what I lost and met up with religious zelates,women who acted like they were 20 years younger than they were and others with more family baggage than Emelda Markos.I am happy to be on my own
What I had for 47 years was fantastic and can not be replicated,pain is good for the soul,I am never depressed but I do often have pain over what I have lost.I dont mean to sound self centered and I do have the support of a good family who care but I will not worry about what others think of me.

I could have easily felt like this but I had to give up my job at the church coffee centre on Friday afternoons because I injured a back muscle. I went into the local school instead once a week to listen to children read etc. They told me how they loved poems written with rhyme, with rhythm and with lots of stories (exactly what I liked when I was a child). I'd never written poetry before, or gone to a creative writing course, but in the last five years (or just over), I've written well over 1000 new poems, built five websites to accommodate them - and the hardest thing was getting illustrations for the website. I've had poems chosen in their hundreds by teachers in schools all over our region, and have now over 20 books that go out to schools worldwide. My main website carried my poems into 188 countries of the world last year and I often get letters from teachers and children - - - well many every day. If you come to my main website (Google JOSIE'S POEMS) and fancy trying your hand at writing poetry, go to my main website and you will see a link. I do hope you have a go. You never know what you can do unless someone (in my case a class of six year olds) encourage you. Do come and say hello in my guestbook and you'll see teachers from all over the world write there. I'd love a grandparent to write - - - but, please, above all else, do buy a couple of my books and I'll make your grandchild's school members of the website on which the books are. They'll be so grateful because then they can enter the children in my performance poetry competitions and that is great fun. Try this for a change.

Yippee

dottilind you will always find someone to talk to on here.

dottilind xxx

I really want to thanks you all from the bottom of my heart for all your lovely and careing comments, I certainly will not be leaving GN and cannot wait to find my way around. I feel that I am not alone now and know I alway have friends on here. Thankyou all for your kindness. xxxxx

dottilind - don't give up on gransnet - people on here really do care. When you are grieving it is hard to make plans and I am sure we all understand that - so hard for you.

Life will come together for you I am sure - but it will be a different life from the one you had both planned. Different does not mean it cannot be good in its own way. You just need some time.

Have you tried contacting CRUSE? - http://www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk/
They might be a good listening ear to help you over this sad patch in your life.

Sending love and kind thoughts.

dottilind, we are a truly caring community on G'net. So please don't let one poster make you feel patronised. It is still early days for you in the process of grieving, so don't try to make too many changes yet and remember we are here for you.

dottilind I lost my husband 10 years ago next month. I am 68 and disabled.
When I'm not working or on a cruise I also can feel very lonely and down.
I fing GN a godsend! People do honestly not mean to patronise you. They are trying to help.
Stay with us. Please!

dottilind: I'm so sorry that all your dreams of the life you were going to spend together can't be fulfilled. Of course, you will never forget your dear partner but I hope that one day the pain gets becomes easier to bear. I'm sure everyone here wishes only the best for you.

dottilind have a huge (((hug))) and stick with gransnet .

I'm inclined to agree, dottilind. This is the bit I find most odd:

"And finally, if you can afford it (and you can), go and live in the southern hemisphere for the UK winters."

Who are you addressing, PPP? I don't see how you can assume that all or any of us can afford to just up sticks and go abroad every winter...

I am sure nobody meant to patronise you dottilind and hope you do find some comfort and companionship on GN. There are many members who have suffered some sort of loss and as a forum for offloading feelings, finding and giving comfort, I have found it a great place. I can hear how bereft you feel and how raw the pain of loss is - don't give up on GN.

PPP glad you can do all of those things. I had ambitions, to live life to the full with the love of my life, to grow old together, live out our retirement in Portugal. We both worked hard all our lives and had a trade, and the one day you have all that snatched away from you and and your world comes crashing down around you. I lost my lovely Roger last year and my heart is still raw with pain and grieving, and I find some of your suggestions a bit patronising to say the least.

Dottilind you say you live near an RAF base. I suspect there are plenty of lonely young mums there. Have you thought of offering to babysit(an age group that you like - be choosy) so that young mum could do something for herself. As a former nurse some mums would be glad to be befriended by you.

I have just started reading this thread and have decided, unusually, to add my two pennarth.

Firstly, my advice is to 'count your blessings' - a truism, but true! How many people do you know who are far worse off than you/dead?

Secondly, have an ambition. I have always had something I want to achieve at the back of my mind. First it was not to be a housewife like my mum. Then it was to have a profession. Then it was to have a family. Then it was to be a successful career woman. Then it was to spend my winters in the sun when I retired. Now it is to move house to be near my family. Next it is to have a gallery to import art........

Thirdly, don't feel the need to do something worthy. Enjoy just being. I did a worthwhile job which contributed to the good of society. Now I want to do things that are rather frivolous.Many people find satisfaction in running charity shops, being school governors etc. I don't feel that need.

Fourthly, why must we spend our time with old people? That's what puts me off U3A etc.

Fifthly, we are never going to be able to be as good at what we start now as we were in our prime. It takes 10,000 hours to become proficient in something, as my son points out to me when I decide to be a world class ceramicist.

And finally, if you can afford it (and you can), go and live in the southern hemisphere for the UK winters. If I didn't winter in the sun, I think I would feel depressed and regretting my 'lost' profession. But here in the sun, despite my smashed knee which makes me less mobile than I would like, I am too busy pottering about in galleries, potting, doing Pilates and generally living outside, that I don't have time to feel full of regrets. The sun is a wonderful pick me up.

And finally, finally, drink plenty of Sauvignon Blanc. 'Gather ye rosebuds' and all that.

so easy for people to say "fill the space wth things to do, but its not that easy is it and lonliness is lonliness whatever you do

dottilind Welcome.I'm in Backwell -N.Somerset .Easy train connections to Cardiff. I'm older than you- a retired pharmacist -worked part-time until I was 74.
I've made good friends through Painting gp,Sustainability/Transition gp.Singing for the Brain etc.
Lots of help and support from Gransnet-hang in there.
Best wishes

Hi Dottiland and welcome. I hope you have found good suggestions on here. My main advice would be to keep as busy as you can doing things that please you.

Dottilind - you are very welcome here and many members will understand how you feel. If you read through the whole thread, you will see many suggestions that might be helpful.
Is it too late for you to learn to drive, I wonder?

I spent many years doing a job in which I had very little interest and which bored me (believe me, being "bored to tears" can be a reality). Most of those years were spent praying for retirement - which seems awful and almost wicked - wishing my life away.

I now enjoy not having to get up really early and commute into central London, being stuck in an office with no natural light, bashing away on a keyboard all day, leaving home in the dark and arriving back in the dark on cold winter days.

Now I have more time for my family and friends and to do things I'm interested in and enjoy - reading, being part of a writing group, walking the dog, going to a theatre studies group, etc., etc.

You did a creative and interesting job and can therefore look back on what you have achieved and feel satisfied that you made the most of your potential. Perhaps some of the skills you used then can still be used. You mentioned teaching - would you be interested in spending short periods in schools helping children who are under-achieving to read? Or perhaps going into schools and telling young people about your career - inspiring them to aim high. There is also, as others have said, The University of the Third Age, Open University, local adult education classes, book clubs, WI/Townswomen's Guild, etc. And, being a creative person, what about entering short story competitions, trying to write for radio (The Arvon Foundation provides 7-day residential writing courses set in beautiful parts of the country where well-known writers take some of the sessions), painting or sketching, etc. etc.

I don't understand why gardening is selfish. If it's something you enjoy, why is that selfish? And a garden doesn't have to be absolutely weed free all the time, in the same way that houses don't always have to be spick and span.

As others have said, I'm sure most people feel down at times and it's OK to be like that sometimes - anyway the permanently cheerful person can become a little wearing.

I hope you soon feel in better spirits and have found some helpful comments from GN, as I have.

Just picked up this interesting thread begun by Isthisall. I have just spent the day at the C.A.B. where I've been listening to calls from many people whose lives are broken by debt, unemployment and marital break-up and trying to suggest ways forward. Believe me, this makes me appreciate all I have, even if we can't afford holidays or new clothes - at least we have each other and a comfortable life.
Isthis, as Gransnetters may recall I went through a similar period of disenchantment with life when I took early retirement 18 months ago. Things really do get better, and I'm glad to say that I have found my "niche" in various voluntary tasks, and meeting old friends. We had so little time to meet up when we were all working, I am enjoying making up for lost time there.
I have a quote by Bertrand Russell in my diary: "To be able to fill leisure intelligently is the last product of civilisation". I think this is the antithesis of endless activity to pass the time, but trying to do something enjoyable each day. Yes, we are all getting older - but it beats the alternative!

A belated welcome dottilind - you have had a very hard time and I do hope that you are indeed coming out into the light again. I do wish you lived in my neck of the woods (E Midlands) there is lots going on and while it is not deep country, it can be very pretty. You say your DS and D D live away - are they far away? Would you hope to move nearer them if you could sell your house? I know there are GNetters in the SW - Galen, Barrow and Maniac come to mind for starters, but I am not great on English geography so not sure how accessible they would be to you. Good luck with getting a dog - great company and their silly smiles and wagging tails always cheer you up! Here's hoping you enjoy the company and friendship of GN.

Hello and welcome dottilind - your company is appreciated.

Are you living in a village? We are very remote too with virtually no buses, but there is lots going on in the village and we centre most of our social lives around that: the pub, acitivities in the village hall etc.

Have you tried contacting your local U3A - try googling it - they have lots of things going oin and can often arrange lifts.

How far away are your children? - do you really never see them? - is there some way of improving that situation?

Where are you hoping to move to if you sell the house?

Don't give up! - there must be ways around this problem.

dottilind, you are very welcome! There will be other Gransnetters in a similar boat, and I'm sure we've all been lonely at some time in our lives. Being so isolated must add to your sense of being all alone - I do hope your house sells soon and then at least you'll have some more options.

In the meantime, there's always someone to talk to on here.