Intimidation by daughter

I think being a young mother of just 20 when I had my daughter , my daughter is now 48 and think I found those early years as a young mum wonderful and difficult, I think when I feel upset it's because I think I am being judged as a bad mother. In reality I know like most of us, I did the best I could with what I knew.
I think sometimes our children, especially daughters, want to prove what good mothers they are. I know that I always wanted to do a better job than I thought mine had. In truth my mum also did the best she could with what she knew.

JammieB - perfect! maybe you could expand on that

juneh your relationship sounds pretty sound to me - if the two of you can enjoy time back in the Mother/daughter mode without distractions then the basics are there. Good to hear things are a bit more relaxed for you. My eldest daughter and I have a pretty good relationship but a chance remark threw that into doubt and resulted in quite a few 'hang up' phone calls on both sides. We progressed into a very lengthy email exchange which was illuminating on both sides. I think when we rock our childrens' world, for whatever reason, there is fall out. You both love each other - take it from there

Could not have dreamed that my first thread would evoke such lovely and thoughtful comments - thank you all so much and it is so very reassuring that this seems to be quite a common problem, I agree with a lot of your theorys and will learn some of your techniques for diffusing a situation that makes me feel insecure.
Tried an interesting one recently - said "oh dear I'm such a silly old fool" and turned it around as she was horrified that she had made me feel like that! That should have been an audition for a stage production and I confess to have quite enjoyed it!

Keep warm and keep safe

There are some brilliant replies here, aren't they. I think one important point is not to lie down and take it, but to find a light and humorous way of rebutting hurtful comments.

Hi and thanks for your very thoughtful replies. I had been three years on my own prior to meeting my now husband she was happy and settled then and expecting her first baby. I do think that my meeting someone new surprised her and it did mean I wasn't so available. However by moving away it made me even less so. My husband and I nhave been together eight years now.
I do think that her last visit was about her being able to relax from being wife and mother allowing her to just be a daughter again, I enjoyed that too.
I think that I have allowed my daughter to disrespect me and just turned the other cheek and this upsets my husband. One of the things about remarrying in later life is the problems of both partners grown up families and grandchildren. It all works itself out in time and I can say that since my daughter was here things feel a bit more relaxed.

Meadowgran lovely to see a new (to me, at least) name and what a wise an insightful post. Juneh When I read your post my thought too was the issue may, amongst the 'normal' type stuff, concern your daughter's loss of her Father. You refer to your lovely husband and your happiness so the problem isn't his, maybe you expected her to accept a substitute for the Father she lost, too soon? Is it possible that she felt she was losing her Mum too or punishing you for 'moving on'?

What wise words meadowgran, particularly in relation to bereaved adult children.

It is so much easier I think when you live near enough to your grown up children to just visit and not stay with them. All guests including close relatives are difficult to deal with after three days. Our hostess daughters have so much on their plate that the strain of looking after guests can make them quite snipey. When we have driven a long way to make a visit and we don't see enough of our DDs and DSs we invest so much into the visit that we worry about challenging the thoughtless remarks they make as we dont want to spoil the atmosphere. I think the answer given above "well I must have done something right because your are lovely" will diffuse much criticism.
Juneh our daughters can enjoy a stay with us on their own they revert to being pampered and away from all the stress and strain of modern relationships, children and work. I think the fact that your daughter enjoyed her stay proves you still have a good relationship.
Your daughter will have has a hard enough time emotionally following the death of her father and even grown up children find it very hard to cope with their parents remarrying. I think sometimes their grief moves at a slower pace than that of the bereaved spouse. There is no replacement for a dead father. Let's face it to them your new spouse was a stranger who has taken the place of their beloved parent so although they might try and be happy for you it is a Big Ask. Just because you love your new husband there is no reason why your children should love him. He just reminds your daughter of how different he is to her father and probably makes her miss her father more. So long as they are at least hospitable and polite that is the most we can expect.
In relation to other comments I think that we ourselves do not in fact realise that we have reached the point where to the outside world and our family we appear decrepit, forgetful and repeat ourselves. I am not sure exactly at what age this happens but it surely does and the best way to hold respect is to listen to feedback from our children not brush it away. Again a sense of humour helps, making a joke of it rather than bristling when our children point out our failings. Also rather than a direct challenge why not say "ouch that was a bit near the knuckle" or something similar if they make a hurtful remark. I don't think our children realise that we can become more sensitive as we get older and in fact we can find it harder to cope with things than before. They still indulge in the sort of robust family exchanges they were used to when they were younger not realising that we are looking back at our pasts as we get older and do not always like what we see.
I am always reminded of a story a friend told me about his mother who after an exasperating session with an elderly relative made her children swear that they would tell her if she started repeating herself as she got older. Sure enough as she aged she started repeating herself but whenever her children pointed this out she got cross and said that she had certainly not repeated herself!

Oh dear, it sounds so very hurtful. I only have sons, but I certainly understand about everything you say being challenged, and being made to feel thick. Thing is, I get it from my DH.

One rejoinder if she criticises you when you were a young mother is "Well, I made you what you are, so I must have done something right, mustn't I?."

Don't let her make you feel guilty about the past so that you look cowed - that is an invitation for more criticism.

As for seeing more of the grandchildren - take the bull by the horns next time and say you would love to, but as a loved and respected grandma, not as the scorned failure that she makes you feel.

juneh I can see if you feel intimidated it would be hard to tell your daughter how you feel. Could you write her a letter, that way she has time to absorb how you feel before you see her.

I think some children disrespect their parents because they can. The parents don't say anything when it first happens and their children then believe it's okay and carry on being disrespectful.

I have been reading your entries with great interest because I was beginning to think it was just me. I have one daughter who has two lovely daughters. Sadly they moved away to the south of England just after the birth of the second child and although it's only and 8 hour drive it is becoming harder and harder to visit. I remarried after the death of her dad just as she had given birth to her two children. I thought she would be happy for me but she seems, even after 8 years to be cold and distant towards my lovely husband. She has allowed the girls to call him grandpa, the only one they have, but he always feels alianated when they visit or when we go there.
I go across and stay on my own for a few days every now and again but always experience myself as having been a bad mother to her as she will throw in some negative critisisms of when I was a young but I know she thinks of me as a good grandma but often says she thinks I should spend more time with them. Even though they chose to move so many miles away.
Sometimes she is quite cruel in her critisicm of me as a young mum and doesn't seem to understand how hurtful she is. I want to see my grandchidlren and miss them inbetween times terribly.
I am often very anxious when around her and certainly feel quite paranoid when her and my son in law are together.
It is as if they have no respect for who we are or what we have been, now retired professonal people who have done well and been successful in our lives.
I just wonder why our children lose respect for who we are and think it's ok to speak to us as if we are idiots. I wonder was I such a bad mother albeit a very young one at the time?
She often asks me why we don't go over and spend more holidays with them but i don't really know how to break it to her that she is often cold and hard towards the both of us and yet on the surface she puts herself out to deal with my husbands fussy eating and seems to want us to be comfortable so it's a bit of a puzzler for sure.
Recently she came to stay on her own without her husband and it was really pleasant, no agro and no shirty comments so maybe it's todo with their relationship?

I think this kind of role reversal is very common with mothers and daughters.My mother used to tell us that HER mother used to say: " It'll come home to you one of these days", and now that it has (I can remember giving my mother unsolicited advice on interior design etc), I jokingly say the same to my daughter,especially when she is being the fridge police!

Check out the recipes section under Food, jammie . In the meantime, Berliner Brot is a kind of traybake cake, perfect for Christmas, well anytime really. Lots of nuts and citrus peel and fruit spread. Very 'German', as DD said, and very nice.

Errrr - in my ignorance - what on earth is Berliner Brot?

nelliem, chuckle. I can imagine the scene. A DD or a DS saying something like "Your kitchen/dining-room/sitting-room needs updating/redecorating". And the gran's/mum's reply: "So when are you going to start?"

More discussion/advice, etc. from younger generation.

Gran: "You mean, you're not offering to do it for me?"

Lots of

Bags thats a good response I will remember that one for future use! I am not sure she would know where to start though, but it would give me time to cuddle my DGS.
Thanks for letting me know you enjoyed the Berliner Brot. My batch has long gone.
I don't know why I don't make it all year round, but its flavour combinations are very christmassy.

Thank you for a lot of thought provoking comments - all make fascinating reading and just to know that this is a problem shared by so many of us makes it a lot easier - now - got to work on that reversing but that's another topic entirely!!

So far so good with my very DD and indulgent sons, though the boys look at me sometimes like I am a favourite old teddy bear but a bit scatty!
My trouble can be my DiL. She is very defensive but aggressive with it and because my views on some things are opposite to hers, she gives me this scathing look as though I am senile or stupid...or even a bit uneducated! She has very scathing views about British food and keeps asserting that we all eat stodge. We certainly did in the days of ice on the inside of windows but things have changed a lot. The fact that I like lasagne does not mean I don't eat salad!!!
I keep telling myself that it is a defence mechanism but sometimes I am not too sure. ��

nelliem, If anyone suggested to me that my kitchen needed decorating/revamping, I'd tell them they could start to do the work (stripping wallpaper and re-papering, painting, etc) whenever they liked .

BTW, I made your Berliner Brot. It's fabulous. Thanks for the recipe.

grace your probably right in what you say but it doesn't make it any easier.

I can echo most of what has been said by the rest of you, including me "speaking like that" to my mother.
Right now I am getting nagged by my DD about how dated the kitchen is, (its late 1980s but very efficient to work in and has excellent cupboard space etc.)

I intend to renew the work tops and the flooring and repaint, I cannot see the point in changing the cuboards or having an integral dishwasher or fridge etc.
I could afford to but I don't see why I should, so why do I feel I ought to because she thinks its old fashioned, and yes, it is a bit shabby? (I also get nagged about my colour schemes elsewhere in the house, largely apricot tones.)

I do get annoyed about this but I do begin to think I should do something about it. I need to find ways of not letting her get at me, and not just react negatively out of bloody mindedness because, she, has shown dissaproval.

Now if the late 1980's were back as Retro fashion it would be ok.

I think you're right, graces.

Now I am going to try to be objective- is this not a bit like our daughters asserting themselves as alpha females in the family unit? I am reminded of the spats some fathers endure with their sons and it all makes me think of a David Attenborough scenario where the alpha male is kicked out of the herd/tribe/pack by a young buck. I would find it very easy to believe that we as mothers are undergoing something similar from our daughters. They are asserting themselves as adult females, wives and mothers and when you think of how often mothers do try to influence their daughters whether in child rearing or cooking - is it surprising? I am not saying any of you are guilty of it, but that daughters are programmed to assert themselves.
So it's nothing personal - isn't that a relief?

Same here, moomin