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AIBU

I suppose it's jealousy

(11 Posts)
overthehill Sat 30-Mar-13 17:28:26

I get slightly ratty (inside) when I hear my husband talk about things he did in his first marriage, things his son had/did etc.

I wouldn't say I am a jealous person, but he has over the years, sometimes (not all the time) talked about things from the distant past (I've generally heard about them many times before).

Now here is the rub, example from the other day a conversation on prams cropped up and he nostaglicaly spoke about the silver cross pram he had for his son. I knew without asking but put him on the spot, what did he think about the pram our children had. He admitted he couldn't remember it. This is what upsets me, he can remember vividly stuff from marriage no.l which lasted 9 years but the next 39 years with me escape him.

I feel upset for the children it is as if they were not that important to him as his first son.

Anyone else?

Audreyab Sat 30-Mar-13 17:32:46

I would just speak to him about it over thats the only way you are going to get to the bottom of things.

Try to approach it giving him the benefit of the doubt, as there may be a resonable explanation, after all he has been with you for 39 years so you must be doing something right sweetheart smile

Mishap Sat 30-Mar-13 18:36:10

It's his age! - as we get older we can remember things vividly from the distant past, but things nearer in time are a struggle to recall. And the pram was probably an ancient style, whereas the one your son had is likely to have been more similar to today's prams.

Let it waft by!! My Dad used to say to me:"Don't think, it doesn't become you!" - I think he was trying to say that sometimes one can think too much!!

FlicketyB Sat 30-Mar-13 19:54:29

Often when people are happy and content the details of life pass them by.

If his first marriage was so short the seeds of its destruction must have been planted very early and he possibly prefers to remember clearly the parts that were happy or satisfactory rather than remember all the pain.

Ana Sat 30-Mar-13 20:35:11

overthehill, I sympathise. My DH does tend to go on a bit about the wonderful holidays etc. he and his ex-wife used to have - also the pram (Silver Cross, of course!) they had for their daughter has come up in conversation a few times!

However, he and his ex had an acrimonious split, long before I met him, and I've never felt jealous or threatened. I also have an ex, but try to limit references to my life with him to the bare minimum. I can share those memories with my daughter.

I do think harking back to the past a bit is only natural when you get older, but perhaps he doesn't realise how tactless you feel his reminiscences are. As for not remembering the pram you had for your children, it probably wasn't as memorable as a Silver Cross! Men aren't that good at brand names! wink

LullyDully Sat 30-Mar-13 21:02:52

I would be upset if DH spoke nostalgically about his first marriage. He never has. If he did I would make a joke of it and make sure he understood how that made me feel. We have to be able to discuss our feelings candidly in a marriage or what is the point?

His mother used to try to make wife no 1 out to be pretty and petite {I was 5' 9"} and fan some jealousy. But when I met her I realised he loved me and she belonged to a rather unfortunate past.

overthehill Sun 31-Mar-13 15:32:02

Thanks for all your replies.

Although I have written it here, because of the recent bit about the pram. It's not something that is dragged up everyday and he doesn't say it in such a way that his first marriage was wonderful or anything like that. I don't believe he does it to annoy me, as that isn't his way, he really doesn't realise what he is saying.

It's just the bit mainly about the children that he seems to have had a blank which I find a bit upsetting.

It's just I don't do this. I also have an ex (no children though) and to be honest my memories are all the bad bits and I cannot remember many good bits.

FlicketyB Sun 31-Mar-13 15:41:40

* Overthehill*, can I suggest that only remembering the bad things from your marriage may just be a function of who you are. When my DH looks back on his life, he remembers every slight, real or otherwise, that anyone ever paid him and every perceived humiliation. The good things, the commendations or compliments are forgotten within months. Again he doesn't do it often, but I can see I am an inherently happier person because I remember the halfpence rather than the kicks.

Flowerofthewest Sun 31-Mar-13 16:23:57

Maybe 'The Pram' was the only thing he can remember of his first marriage. That is why it stuck in his memory. And as already said it was probably a 'classic' type one whereas 'modern' day prams are much of a muchness.

overthehill Mon 01-Apr-13 11:31:24

FlicketyB

I see what you are saying but I am quite a easy going content happy person but strangely enough I remember the bad bits of my first marriage and also my unhappy childhood. In fact out of the two of us hubby is more the pessimist out of the two of us.

Flowerofthewest

The pram of which I speak was bought 37 years ago so not a modern one.

sunseeker Mon 01-Apr-13 11:57:47

If his son was his first child perhaps he is remembering the excitement of becoming a father for the first time and all that involved. He has been with you for 39 years - some things he will forget others are probably treasured memories. My own DH could forget whatever I gave him for his birthday or Christmas, but vividly recalled the flowers I carried in my wedding bouquet.