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How do you cope

(13 Posts)
Missstripeysocks Wed 07-Aug-13 09:18:01

How do you cope when you cannot see your grandchild?
I wrote on here a while ago without going into all the details again I am being punished by my sons controlling girlfriend ..
.my son is always at my house crying on our shoulder because his partner is abusive the more we help him the more she hates us ...
we never get involved by saying things I have never said how I truly feel about the abusive way she treats my son ...
her way of gaining control is by withholding the grandchild away from us as much as possible but in the meantime she has her family heavily involved i am always seeing pictures on Facebook of other people with her..
it's like an arrow in my heart..the very few times I am allowed some access my son walks through the door and says that he is only allowed to stay half an hour then he makes us feel on edge by sitting through the visit asking the the time every five minutes
I actually don't know how to cope with this anymore I always ask if I can see her take her places have her over but I am never allowed it breaks my heart so many tears I have cried on my pillow I feel sick to my stomach
I was told at Xmas I wasn't allowed to see her open her presents the presents which they dictated Ibuy ...that I was just to drop them off I am not welcome in her house so I am not allowed to pop over for a visit even though they just live down the road...the same happened on her birthday even though all her family were there
My son loves me but if he tries to make a stance against her wishes she goes mad but in the same breath he allows her to dictate...
I am not a bad person I am heartbroken by this how am I going to cope ? How do you cope ?
I feel I can't confront her because she is so unstable ...we walk around on eggshells for fear of upsetting her ..
Any advice x

Ariadne Wed 07-Aug-13 09:21:39

Miss I remember your last post, and I am so sorry to hear of your troubles. But there are a lot of people on GN in a similar position, who can help and support you. Have a look at the thread "cut out of their lives" and you'll see what I mean. x

Missstripeysocks Wed 07-Aug-13 09:22:53

Thanks I guess I am just struggling badly sad

Sook Wed 07-Aug-13 09:33:04

Miss good advice from Ariadne it helps to talk to people in a similar position. (((hugs)))

maxgran Wed 07-Aug-13 11:08:42

Your son is a grown man and he should be standing up to his girlfriend!
She can only get away with what he allows.
She behaves like this because people walk on eggshells and pander to her

Could you not talk to someone in her family?

Personally, in your situation I would confront her - I don't mean aggressively, I mean to be honest and tell her how you feel and how much it upsets you.

I don't know what has gone on that may have made her dislike you?

My son has a wife who can be very difficult - although not as bad as your son's gf - and it does annoy me that my son panders to her, but one thing he would never allow her to do would be to deny us seeing our grandsons.

I can imagine how difficult this is for you. I hope you can get some comfort from the other thread mentioned - that you are not alone. x

Lilygran Wed 07-Aug-13 11:49:37

Sorry you are having such a bad time, Miss. It sounds to me as though your son may need some professional help. If he could go to his GP and tell him/her what's going on it might be a start.

Iam64 Wed 07-Aug-13 18:49:09

Sympathy for your son and for you, and the children in the middle of this tension. Maxgran's question about what you may have done to make her dislike you so much may be helpful, it may not. The reality is that some people are 'difficult" and when one of those people is part of your family, well, life becomes difficult. I agree with others who suggest your son gets some professional help. His GP may be a good place to start as they usually have lists of local groups or individual counsellors that may help him. He must be so anxious. Controlling, manipulative individuals are very difficult to help, and living with these people is extremely stressful for everyone. You could also seek some support, either from a trained counsellor, or via your GP. The only thing you can change in this situation is your response to it. Best of luck.

maxgran Wed 07-Aug-13 19:18:02

I wasn't suggesting that Missstripeysocks had done anything.

I asked what may have gone on that may explain the girl's behaviour.

Sometimes, just being the mother of the son is enough where some girls are concerned!

I hope Missstripysocks doesn't think I was implying she was at fault?

Missstripeysocks Wed 07-Aug-13 20:02:22

No offence taken at all...without going over it too son got this girl pregnant after being with her just a few weeks .
.she was also seing someone else at the same time
I spoke to my son and asked if he was sure the baby was his and also sent him a personal message which she opened and read ...
you can imagine she went crazy and part of me can understand ,on the other hand the message was personal and to my son ...can I just say he was only 19 and about to o to New Zealand I was a bit concerned for him and the whole situation...after a while things calmed down and I apologised for asking but her controlling behaviour did not ...and my son was told that he couldn't go to his aunties wedding my sister told my son that he was being controlled ...that started another argument she then said I must apologise for what my sister thinks of her....she is unstable and unreasonable and my son is constantly at my door crying...
Sorry I could go on and on but I won't ...

Iam64 Thu 08-Aug-13 07:03:51

Maxgran - sorry if you were offended, last thing I meant to do.

maxgran Thu 08-Aug-13 10:10:55

Ah,.. I wasn't offended at all - I just wanted to clarify I was not accusing Missstripeysocks of being the one to blame..

From what she has just said about this girl reading her personal message to her son I can she certainly was not at fault!

In that situation I WOULD be trying to make sure my son was happy with the situation, especially at age 19!
The girl had no right to read his personal messages and no right to object to a mother looking out for her son.

It sounds like the lad is well and truly stuck with an insecure and vindictive partner now?!

I upset my DIL before she was married to my son because she expected him to take her shopping for clothes the day after he had an operation on his arm and I asked her if it was a good idea because he said he still felt groggy
( AND he had told me he did not want to go!)
Apparently she had a massive fit with my son because I said that!

Iam64 Thu 08-Aug-13 17:56:37

maxgran, can't families be difficult, especially as they grow and our children don't always get involved with people we either like or approve of, a minefield!

maxgran Fri 09-Aug-13 17:20:43

Iam64, Yes it can!,... I have found I have had to learn a lot of tolerance!...not a bad thing I s'pose!
I think I was probably someone my own mother in Law had to tolerate!...but it was mutual smile