Doing people a favour.......

Phoenix,
You are a very caring friend but you know that they haven't treated you well. I think I would say to them exactly what you feel . You have become increasingly worried by this situation and that whilst you sought to help them because you care , you now need a sign from them that they value the relationship as much as you do by returning the car in the same condition you loaned it to them because you need it now .

I don't envy you but if they care, at least they will know how to maintain the friendship ( which they must want to ) .
Wishing you all the luck in the world ( you already have shown great patience ) .

I think the rule used to be in China that if you rescued somebody from drowning you had to support them for the rest of their life.
When I first went to work abroad, I gave my UK registered car to my cleaner - it was worth a few hundred pounds. Ever after, until she changed it, she told me every time it needed any money spent on it. I am afraid I didn't take the hint.
You are a very kind person, Phoenix, but I think you will have to be wary of this couple, no matter how much you like them. Your own situation has not been ideal recently and I am sure you cannot afford to be carrying another couple.

Well in that case phoenix, I don't think you have much choice but to wait and just keep asking, and it will be the elephant in the room.
A very difficult situation all round, so sorry that your kindness has been a mixed blessing.

Thing is Ella I'm not sure at present if we could afford to sort it! The money might be available, but as don't know yet when Mr P might start his next job, and anyway if there was that sort of sum to hand, we have other plans for it. (Cupboards/bookcases for the sitting room or possibly a car port) And, although they are very dear friends, there is a matter of principle too.

They owed me £26 for some shopping I had got them, and on Saturday during dinner they mentioned that they had put a new tyre on the car, so I said not to worry about the £26, that could be a contribution towards that.

If they are struggling financially and it's obviously affecting both of them, mentally and emotionally, don't you think it might be a huge relief to them if you just took the car back and sorted it?

It sounds as though it will be quite some time before they could afford to pay for the repairs, and if they care about your friendship, it will be contributing to their worries.

Not easy.

Of course, Hummingbird !

Will you be MY friend, Phoenix?

Ella I do see why you might think that, but I really am determined that this situation will be resolved, I just need to find the best way of doing it for all concerned.

B feels he has let J down, as he has had to cut the number of hours he works because he physically couldn't cope with being on his feet for long periods. J (who is usually a very strong person) seems to me to be on the edge of a breakdown, she has been carrying everything for the last nine months and the current financial problems could be the straw that breaks the camels back.

However the situation with the car will be resolved as although I can be patient, the bottom line is that I expect the car back in the same condition in which it was lent. I know that if it really came to it 's parents would help them out, but of course it is not my place to say that.

What is confusing (and disappointing) me is why they just left it sitting for 4 weeks or so, rather than actually making a start on getting it done!

Do you want us to come round and stand behind you phoenix?

It's obvious that you sympathise with their position but the pesky car is yours and you lent it to them as a favour. You are being treated really badly. Even if they are struggling it's unfair on you.

phoenix I think that you are burying your head in the sand and hoping this will go away.
I can understand that, but sometimes you have to stand up for yourself or you will get treated like a mug.
((hugs))

Personally, at this stage, I would give them a date that I want the car back with all repairs done. AIBU ?

Thank you all for the good wishes, they are appreciated.

Now, I've had a think and this is my plan of action. Things have changed slightly, as Mr P informed me last night that his contract is ending either this week or next. Mixed feelings about this, as although the money was very good, he was driving 1,200 miles per week, just to and from work, and getting through about £200 worth of fuel

I was already concerned about how he would handle that sort of journey every day in the winter, so at least that decision has been taken out of our hands. We are just hoping that The Focus holds together for the remaining time!

We are not going to tell B & J about this, as they may then think there is no rush. I am going to wait until she tells me that the brakes have been done, and then say "if you don't mind, I'd rather wait until everything has been fixed rather than keep going backwards and forwards to the repairer"

What do you think, ladies?

This is hard, Phoenix! You have done so much for them, and you are still considering their feelings, but you need the car fixed and you're going to have to get tough, I'm afraid. Chin up, and go for it.

Having read your recent account of the car damage I have to say that a true friend would not treat you in such a cavalier fashion. You have been more than patient but it is now time to get tough, their bad luck is not of your making so why should you bear the brunt ?

I am left absolutely speechless over this. How on earth can they treat you like this after you have been so kind and caring? I agree with Riverwalk, get the car back and deal with it yourself. How can you trust any repairs they may or may not get done? If this were my friendship it wouldn't survive.

My friends father always used to say "A friend in need is a pain in the arse neck!"

If I were you phoenix, I'd just get it back and sort it myself.

I don't think a friendship can survive something like this, can it? I'm afraid it isn't something I could forget about. Don't they also say never to lend friends money if you want to stay friends?

I'm afraid I agree. It does seem as though it's likely you'll have to write off the repair charges anyway, phoenix, so if you want to save the friendship just get the car back and bite your tongue!

Phoenix your generosity and patience is admirable.

In light of the way your friends have acted I'd be inclined to retrieve the car, and legal ownership, as soon as possible without waiting for the repair.

Thank you all.

Having seen the damage to my car, and heard the (possibly revised?) account as to how it happened, I am at a loss as to how the other car could have just driven off. As said before the damage that I saw was on the passenger side, and no matter what scenarios I can think of, eg. the other car pulled out without looking, I simply cannot imagine how it could have happened and left the other car free to just drive off. But I suppose that all the theorising in the world wont change anything now!

I will speak to J again tomorrow and ask if they reported it to the police, and if not why not.

merlot I take your point but feel that if I went down that route it might just tip J over the edge into some sort of nervous breakdown. As I said in my last post, I just can't understand why they have just left the car sitting on the drive for this length of time

It sounds like a knock for knock situation. If they were in an ASDA car park how did they know the other driver was a 'boy racer'. Could they have reversed in front of him?

I'm afraid I would get tough. Give a deadline and if the car is not repaired by then I'd ask for it back, have the repairs done and send them the bill!

Oh dear phoenix , this is not sounding good , people who you think you know and can trust can be quite staggering at times !

I agree vegasmags Their priority should have been your car. All the excuses seem very odd to me.

This seems to be getting more and more complicated! It is now an offence to drive away without leaving details, even if in a supermarket car park, and I think you only have a couple of days grace to report to the police if for some reason you cannot leave details. Asda probably have CCTV on their car park, and although they will say they are not liable for any damage that occurs on their premises, they will certainly co-operate with the police in letting them view the tapes - as you have probably gathered, this is the voice of bitter experience! Sadly, it begins to look as if your friends are not being wholly truthful with you. I feel very sorry for you as you have been such a good friend to them.

J phoned me back, sounded pretty stressed and upset, loads of things going wrong at present, many of which I knew about.

Aaaanyway, eventually I asked if B had phoned the insurers, was told yes, but the person who deals with claims was not in today . J also said that if the work was done through the insurance, it would probably have to go to a garage in Barnstaple and would be away longer. ( I think that they have probably left it too late to go down the insurance route, and as someone else said, it should have been reported to the police at the time)

I asked if they had exchanged details with the other party, no, he just drove off, in Asda car park again.

J then mentioned that there had been a problem with the brakes, so the car has been booked in with Mr X, as (quote) " it's far more important to get that fixed for you to be able to drive it than a bit of superficial damage to the body work"

The damage I saw didn't look exactly "superficial" . Also, they usually get anything mechanical sorted by the village garage, not Mr X who I was originally told was a body work specialist. Further into the conversation she mentioned that they had had to have a considerable amount of work done on one of their other cars, and are still paying the chap at the village garage for this, probably explains why my car isn't booked in there, I think!

I do feel for them, I really do and they have had a particularly bad run with cars, several new tyres needed etc, and I know money is a problem for them, but all I want is the car back in the condition that is was in when we lent it!

I have a feeling that if we take it back once the brakes have been done, it will be an on-going situation re the body repairs.

The thing I am most struggling to understand, is that if they haven't used it for over 4 weeks, why the bleep didn't they make a start on getting things fixed?

I'm feeling both and a bit