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To move or not to move, that is the question!

(21 Posts)
Lynker Sun 11-Aug-13 21:58:43

Hello ladies! I could do with some impartial advice please. I have lived in my house for 30 years, it's where I brought up my 2 children. 20 years ago, my husband left me and I was a single mum for 8 years, until I met my second husband. He was divorced and he moved 25 miles from his family (2 children and 6 grandchildren) to live here with me. My 2 children had already moved away to university 70 miles away, when he moved in and we have been very settled since. However my daughter has just had her first child. She and her partner work shifts over the 24 hours and childcare is proving very difficult. They live in a lovely place 70 miles from here (100 miles from my husband's family). My heart tells me I want to move to be near my daughter and her family (I have no ties here and I don't like the town I live in). My husband does not want to move further away from his family. AIBU?

bikergran Sun 11-Aug-13 22:23:53

Difficult one Lynker and strangley enough I have had a similar conversation with OH we are putting our house up for sale....OH made remarks about maybe I should be willing to move further afield!! in other words away from family (our daughters, my parents etc) he has no family here apart from our daughters.......I myself would never consider moving away from my family(nearer to them yes! as you are thinking of doing) as we have only 1 GS and I help daughter out an awful lot.(but you also have to think that your daughter may want to move in yrs to come).... OH would dearly love to have me all to himself 24/7!! on a remote island with no other inhabitants!!!!

Lynker Sun 11-Aug-13 23:17:17

Thank you for your comment Bikergran. You are lucky that you and your husband have children together.. I am now starting to feel quite resentful that my husband is stopping me from moving closer to my daughter. He can call in on his children quite easily, with them being relatively close by, I don't have that option. It really is difficult in second marriages and I think it gets more complicated when grandchildren arrive.

glammanana Sun 11-Aug-13 23:38:59

When my DD had her first baby there was nothing that would convince me to think of moving away and always be there for her,after her 4th baby mr.glamma and I not only moved house but we moved Countries and even though I missed DD and the children and of course my son's I must admit it was the best thing we have done in our lives,we enjoyed 10yrs abroad and I kept in constant contact and made many flights back,we now live back here just 5 mins away from all three DCs and would have spent our dotage wondering what it was like if we hadn't taken the plunge,a totally different senario I know but can you be sure your DD and her family will not want to move to another part of the Country/World at a later stage in their lives. Best of luck with your decission.

janeainsworth Mon 12-Aug-13 08:13:26

Lynker 70 miles away sound like the ideal distance to me wink
Look for some of the threads where grandparents feel taken for granted because they are providing many hours of free childcare.
This may sound a harsh question, but does your daughter actually want you just round the corner?
I live 4 hours drive away from my nearest DGC who is nearly 3, but like Glamma am in constant contact through Skype and frequent trips down to Staffordshire. DGD goes to an excellent nursery in the village where they live and seems to be thriving!
TBH I can understand your DH not wanting to be uprooted, I wouldn't want to, either.

nightowl Mon 12-Aug-13 08:49:42

I'm sure there are grandparents on here who have moved long distances to be close to their children and can offer their perspective. I am fortunate to live 2 miles from my DD and to be able to help with child care, and 30 miles from DS and to see him and his family regularly; I also look after his stepson occasionally when needed. If either of them moved away I don't know what I would do - I would need to talk to them and see what they wanted but I would certainly consider moving nearer. Like you, I have no emotional ties to the place where I live. The difficulty in your case is your husband. I'm not sure how you can make a choice if he refuses to move.

Elegran Mon 12-Aug-13 09:16:07

Is there a compromise? Could you move to be halfway between your family and his? 50 miles is 20 miles better than 70 to yours, but not a lot more than 30 to his.

You would be nearer but not too near. He would still be within reach of his.

Ariadne Mon 12-Aug-13 09:24:50

We moved from Kent to Devon nearly a year ago (I did a lot of whining last year....) and part of it was to be near DD and her family. They do not, however, need us nearby, (DGC are 15 and 17) although we are all loving the contact that we'd never had before. And we did want very much a change of lifestyle, to be near the sea etc. We are so happy!

BUT - we had no emotional ties to Kent, apart from the very good friends we made there. It was where we ended up when Theseus left the army and started a second career.

DSs are a bit further away, in Hampshire and Gloucestershire, but we all get together whenever we can.

Lynker I can see that, if the two of you don't agree about moving, it could be fraught with difficulties. Is there a compromise?

nanaej Mon 12-Aug-13 09:56:27

We moved to be close to our daughters. DH would love to still live in Sth London but loves being near to our DDs and the DGC. Of course both or either DD could move somewhere else! Always a risk!

Life is a compromise and I think it would be worth looking at what areas are like closer to your DD but not on the doorstep so your OH can still get to see his family with reasonable ease. That would seem fair!

Lynker Mon 12-Aug-13 11:41:04

Ladies, thank you so much for your replies........all of which are very valid, sensible and highlight all the pros and cons clearly. My DD and DSIL have said that they would like me to be nearby and their childcare problems are complex due to their jobs. I have always believed that grandparents who take on childcare on a regular basis are wrong and I wouldn't want it full time, but now I am hearing all their problems and can't help out, although I am travelling 40 miles today (midway-ish) to meet my DD and pick up my DGD, as they have no other childcare options for the next 3 nights. The same will happen next week and maybe this weekend. I must say that we have talked about moving somewhere in-between, which might be a sensible compromise. Thanks again for your thoughts, much appreciated.

Tegan Mon 12-Aug-13 12:09:17

I'm wondering if it isn't a case of him wanting to be close to his children [I've never found men to be all that bothered about that sort of thing] but rather that he wants you all to himself? [It's only a thought brought about by how my life is at the moment].

bikergran Mon 12-Aug-13 13:15:45

Tegan I can understand what you are saying! and I can also understand others, when saying close can be too close I take my GS to school each morning and pick him up each night after school,I do enjoy doing this..and theres only the odd day that I may think..oh heck! got to get back for GS. I am never too far away as I feel I have to be nearby for OH (20yrs age gap and he is in poor health) He dislikes me spending time with my daughter who has GS, in fact when we had a chat only a weekend ago , about going our separate ways..his first words were!! "well who's going to look after ME"!!! huh!!! (sorry I am digressing) lol....
yes maybe the suggestion of moving half way! good luck with whatever you

Gagagran Mon 12-Aug-13 13:29:42

WE moved 200 miles 10 years ago to be near 2 new DGC and of course, what happened? Both families moved!

We moved again in 2012 to be near DD and family, now on the coast and we love being near enough to provide help and assistance as required and of course to see so much more of them.

We are still at a distance from DS and family but we manage to see them frequently and that will continue.

DD is certain that they will not be moving again but if they do, well I think we shall stay put as we have settled really well into this beautiful place.

Greatnan Mon 12-Aug-13 14:29:43

I will be following absent's example in a couple of years, and joining my daughter and her family in New Zealand. We have discussed what would happen if my SIL took a job in Australia (which pays a lot more) and we have agreed I would either go with them or stay in NZ. I know how friendly the 'locals' are and I expect to make many friends and join some clubs. I will be living close enough to absent for us to meet up for lunch in Richmond.
I have always been a wanderer and have lived in five countries, plus many different parts of France. I was abroad when most of my gc were born but I managed to have a good relationship with them (until recently) by frequent trips to England. Now, seven of them are my Facebook friends and I get lots of photos and news. I also get free phone calls to NZ and England, and speak to them regularly. I spend six or seven weeks in NZ in the European winter - my daughter knows she doesn't have to entertain me as I am used to walking and driving alone.

Lynker Mon 12-Aug-13 20:19:38

Well here I am on Gransnet and my DGD is fast asleep upstairs! We met my DD as planned and she was very stressed when she left us to go to work. My DH mentioned moving somewhere half way to DD, as we drove to the meeting point, but I feel that we would just be looking at a map and choosing somewhere randomly, equi-distant from 4 children. We wouldn't know the area or anyone who lived there. My thoughts are that living close to DD would be mutually beneficial, in that we spend longish periods out of the country and they could watch the house/check post etc and in return I could help out with childcare as required when here. DH's children rarely contact him, other than when they need something, but he is a good granddad to his DGC and he always rings them for catch-ups. When we met we had 2 children each and they were all independent. My DH's 2 were both married, both are now divorced. Mine were single, both are now times change! If I was still with my DC's father, we would move to be with our daughter without a second thought. Are any of you good ladies in second marriages? It does complicate matters somewhat!

leslies Tue 13-Aug-13 14:53:50

A very difficult decision - where to move when you retire. My husband and I will retire in 5 years when he is 70. Due to his job, a Vicar, we have to move away. Currently in London but cannot afford to purchase anywhere near. Have agonised about where to go especially as two of three daughters live within 30 minutes. I have this morning completed the purchase of my new home. Am very excited but nowhere near ready to move away. Just as well I have 5 years to get used to it. I see one of my daughters and grandchildren almost every week and this will not be possible when I move - however on the bright side I am moving nearer to my third daughter. I am very lucky, as at most they will be 2 hours away from my new home which is six miles from the south coast.

FlicketyB Tue 13-Aug-13 22:59:35

We live 200 miles from DS and family and 100 miles from DD.

Lynker Fri 16-Aug-13 12:46:35

My DH and I have again discussed moving to where my daughter lives. He has said that in his opinion, parents shouldn't move to be near their children. His children still live where they were born, mine both went to university and moved away. He thinks that children should move nearer to parents if they want/need to. I disagree! Neither of us particularly like where we are now and have no ties here. We have talked in the past about moving from here, but have never really known where to move to. It has now become clear to me!! Where my daughter has just moved to is lovely, a village, very near to a city with all facilities etc, near an airport for us to fly back and forth from our holiday home, close to beautiful countryside for us to enjoy etc etc!!

Tegan Fri 16-Aug-13 19:08:31

If you do move closer I wouldn't move too close. I actually saw a lot more of my daughter when she was a 45 minute drive away than I do now which is 5 minutes.

Gally Fri 16-Aug-13 20:03:19

I have just noticed this thread - apologies for starting another very similar one confused

Tegan Fri 16-Aug-13 20:55:32

Think yousr is a different situation Gally; I've just read what you've said and am pondering on it.