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True friends

(5 Posts)
Anne09 Wed 21-Aug-13 19:05:54

Hi am I right to want to hurt them as they have hurt my daughter. She has been through so much in the past year. It's coming up to the first anniversary of son who died of a cot death. We are all on edge as to how we are all going to be. She has had another baby boy in June this year. To cut along story short she gets up each morning and sees her boys of to school and I thought things are going fine. Then she arranged a night out for this Friday with her two close girl friends one is single with no children and doing quite well for herself. The other who is one of those girls were to fall in shit see would come out clean. So today the latter friend can't get a babysitter and said she would go for a meal then come home at ten my god. So the single girl decided she would go home then. My son was going to pick them up at twelve so they good have a few drinks. So am I such a bad person to be so angry with them she is heart broken she has cried all afternoon and my heart is breaking for her. I thought she was trying really hard I offered to go out but she sees me most days. So like I say why do people arrange things like this without thought of her situation real friends would not do that. So rant over I'll go and put the kettle on and pig out. angry

Aka Wed 21-Aug-13 19:23:53

Anne09 flowers
In all this you are a bereaved grandmother. It's true that grandparents grieve twice; once for the loss of a grandchild and again for the pain their own child is going through. It is unbearable to watch your own child suffer what is the worst pain ever, the loss if their own child. The shock of sudden death, like cot death, never leaves you.
Her friends are not helping so of course you feel angry and a year is not long. My heart goes out to you as I know what your are going through.

MiceElf Wed 21-Aug-13 20:02:49

Anne, sometimes people just don't think. They put themselves first and the fact that someone else might be suffering badly doesn't enter the margin of their mind.

All you can do is to be there for your daughter and comfort her as best you can. It's posdible that at some time soon it might be possible to gently let these two know how hurt your girl was. But don't try to hurt them, I suspect you may regret it and say more than you mean. And, after all they are part if a friendship group - even though a heedless one.

And, of course, you are hurting too, so here's some flowers

absent Wed 21-Aug-13 20:33:47

Presumably from the friends' point of view, this occasion was just meeting for a meal/drink/chat and not any thing very special. Therefore, changing the plan would not be seen as particularly serious. They are young and didn't try to put themselves in your daughter's shoes – and, indeed, how could they? One has no children so no concept of how a mother feels, let alone a bereaved mother; the other's child is safe and well. Immature perhaps, but not deliberately cruel, I would suggest.

nanaej Wed 21-Aug-13 21:16:05

Anne09 so sorry that you and our family have suffered such a sad loss. flowers and that the anniversary of your grandsons death
My DD2 has two children and when she and her pals go out they do not stay late because the kids are up early. So maybe your DDs pal with a child is the same. I do think what absent says could be true..that the friends are just a bit thoughtless rather than being deliberately unkind.

Did your DD specifically say she would like a late night out? Maybe her friends are aware of the closeness to the anniversary of your grandson's death and that your DD now has a 3 month old baby so they thought she would not want to be out on the razz too late.
Whatever the reasons behind the earlier night than your DD had in mind the three friends need to work on communicating more effectively to avoid upsetting each other any more.