So upset

If it was me I would prefer to wait a week or two so I would have time to pull my self together. Jammie is fragile at the moment and I think she would be more comfortable at her own house. I would also be concerned that feeling as upset as she is at this time may lead to a row. In a week or so she hopefully will be ready to face the SIL without feeling too stressed.

I would also advise when seeing the SIL to act if nothing at all has happened.

If you have not read the 'denied contact' and 'cut out of their lives' threads on here, I suggest you do. It would be dreadful if you became one of those grandmothers. I would urge you to make that invitation as soon as you can.
I have been in a slightly similar position myself in the past, and my soon-to-be-ex SIL usually avoided being in the same room as me. The word 'sorry' just doesn't feature in his vocabulary.
I look forward to hearing how it goes when you break the ice.

One has to let go sometimes , IMO, cannot keep hankering for what cannot be !!

Pride can be so destructive, as can holding onto something when there is no benefit it doing so.

I have plenty of self respect, but if my daughter gave any indication of wanting to see me, or speak to me, I would welcome her with open arms. I might feel differently about an in-law. What is the point of patting yourself on the back for having self respect when your heart is aching for your child?

I don't think real, deep down, heart of the matter self-respect is dented by what other people think. If one knows one is not in the wrong even if other people think one is, one's self-respect is not damaged. One's feelings may be hurt, but that's not the same.

I agree with those who suggest swallowing pride and accepting the invitation as an olive branch.

Hmm. I think you need to have some self respect. I don't know what the awful thing was that the OP was accused of, but as it was untrue, I think she is owed an apology. Or, at the very least, assurance from her daughter that she understands it is untrue. It needs calm sorting out.

Hi Jammie,

I have just read your thread and am so sorry you are feeling so badly.

As I read your words I was however reminded of the heartache of grandparents on this forum who are not able to see their grandchildren because of a falling out with their children/family feud.

The pain you feel now would, of course, be nothing compared to the pain of not seeing your grandchildren? I just worry that this invitation could possibly be an olive branch and if you are unable to take it, then it might be a while before their is another.

Once you are there, would not the joy of spending time with your grandchildren ease the pain you feel in your SIL's prescence? I have my grandson here with me today, and one hug, one smile from him, makes every worry of mine, every pain fade away. I guess what I am saying is that the giving and receiving of love from your grandchildren is surely much, much greater than the pain/awkwardness of seeing your SIL. No matter how unjust he was, how horrible it was, how uncomfortable a meeting may be, can you not just focus on the grandchildren who you love so much. Nothing will ever be more important to me than seeing my grandchildren.

Good luck whatever you decide.

Jammie I feel for you and understand why you are so upset. What I have found is some people are tossers. In their minds they are never wrong and an apology is not necessary. It isn't worth you making yourself ill over this, but I agree with you, let the first visit be at your home. The migraine excuse is good, then send them an invitation for dinner at your house when you are good and ready, hopefully in a week or two. Best wishes

Jammie, best wishes across the miles ,

Honestly, Jammie? If you think you feel bad now, imagine how you're going to feel if this develops into a full-blown split? I know it's easy to be wise when you're not the one involved, but I think that if I were you, I'd bite the bullet and go for it - putting it off only gives you more time to worry about everything. Good luck and warm wishes!

I can imagine how you are feeling, but how are you going to feel if you don't go? You may well go on feeling that you 'can't face it' and inevitably your excuses will be seen as such.

Gracesmum - you have totally said it as it is - it is the fact that he thought I was capable of being unkind to the beautiful creature that I actually delivered! THAT is the crux of the matter - I will get over it but will never be comfortable with him again! I also know that the biggest problem is with me since I am the only person that is allowing me to feel like this!
I also think that any bullets that have to be bit will be on my own home territory - I had originally handed the olive branch to them to come here but due to various family committments my DD thought it would be better if we were to come to them - I think I feel a migraine coming on tomorrow and will cancel!!!
I really, really appreciate all your kind comments and support - my quiet harmonious life will remain sullied a little longer!!
Also thank you for the flowers - these sort don't make me sneeze!!!
x

My eldest son has recently had a disagreement with his MIL over his two year old son. He also overheard her telling her DD her (exaggerated) version of events. He refuses to apologise as he doesn't feel he has done anything wrong in his own home but will agree to disagree. She is demanding a full apology I only hope she isn't holding her breath.

I agree with Mishap and everyone else who says you should bite the bullet and go. Let us know what happens

I think that Jess is right - it may not be as bad an evening as you are expecting, and it would be huge pity to miss up this chance of accepting the olive branch.

I can see your problem as you are feeling fragile at the moment and afraid that you might break down. The chances are that you won't and you will be presented with an opportunity to get back to normal; but if by some chance you break down and show your feelings, it may be no bad thing, as they will understand how hurt you are.

Don't let it fester - accept the invitation - there may not be another in the near future!

JessM - a good solid sensible bit of advice - stop this bit of nastiness dead in it's tracks and don't let it lead you into being estranged.

It is a pity you cannot face the get together yet. It may well have been the 'sorry' you need & deserve.
I have people in my family who say things and really do not understand how upset they have made other people. They move on and forget the chaos they have caused.

I hope you can use some of the good 'coping' advice other posters have suggested. Best of luck with and hope you are enjoying happy times again very soon.

Maybe it would be best if you talked to your daughter, quietly and calmly, about this. It needn't be in a confrontational manner. Just point out that you would never have done whatever it was your sil accused you of, and you are sad that you were thought capable of it. Don't let it come between you. Perhaps if it was sorted out with all concerned you might be able to start feeling more positive about your son in law.

I wouldn't let it stay an "elephant in the room".

So sorry you have been so hurt and understand how you must feel. The advice you have been given is all good but only you can know how much you can cope with. Do keep the lines of communication open with your DD and when you feel ready invite them for a meal.

Well said gracesmum - jammie you have to "man up" as they say so sweetly down under and put on your charming face and pretend this never happened.
There are many members of GN who have fallen from favour with their children and chidden in law and it leads to heartbreak. Do anything you can to avoid an estrangement as once it happens it is very hard to un-do.

I think it is especially hurtful to even be thought capable of doing the sort of thing we would never do if you know what I mean. He should have realised this and even if he will not back down and apologise, a simple "I was wrong" would make all the difference. I think you should try to go as the next time might be even harder. If your daughter avoided the issue maybe she either has not been told or knows that you could not have done whtever he accused you of but doesn't want to lose face. To me the invitation is definitely an olive branch. If you possibly can go, can your DH make sure the conversation doesn't get tricky and that you are never leeft in an embarrassing position? It may be that despite having broken your heart - they have actually moved on. And re FB - you are well rid of it. I strongly believe that family members should NOT be friends as it seems to lead to so much heartbreak.

I don't have any advice for you but just wanted to say how sad I feel for you and your situation. You are probably right to give it more time but situations do improve and healing can come when least expected. Hang on in there

Thank you - I know you are right - I am in a VERY bad place atm and am going to cancel this dinner as I can't face it yet - will find some sort of excuse and have to give it another week or so, I would be a bit more comfortable if I was on my own home turf!!
I have never had anything like this happen before and think this is why I don't know how to handle it - I was accused of being unkind to one of the people I love most in the world - it broke my heart and there are still pieces of it missing...........

It is far easier to say 'let it go' than to stand in your shoes and do it. But for your own sake that is all you can realistically do - package it up and put it in a small place somewhere in the back of your mind and determine not to open that package - if you stay hurt and upset that damages only you and rewards him. Be sure of yourself and value yourself more than this.